Chapter 12
As we fill our plates with delicious salads and cheeses from the buffet table and take our seats for lunch, the table is full of people, buzzing with chatter and awash with Greggs paper bags.
I spot a laptop on a chair nearby at the back of the room, wires disappearing behind the huge drapes at the window.
There’s a human-shaped lump hiding behind the curtain and a camera lens poking out. It must be Jules.
‘If we can lure Jules from the room, we’d be able to get to the laptop,’ I whisper to Matteo. This new drama has really thrown him but he appears to be rallying.
‘I have an idea. I’ll ask him if he knows anything about how to adopt a puppy and, while we’re out of the room, you get the footage.’
Brilliant. But I’ll need help. I sidle up to Liberty and Tash at the buffet table and tell them the plan.
‘He’s so masterful,’ says Tash admiringly. We watch Matteo approach Jules and, within seconds, they leave the room together. ‘Good job getting him to toe the line, babes.’
Hmmmm. There simply isn’t time to unpick how Tash thinks the power dynamic should work in my marriage. Poor Matteo. I just wish we weren’t all such hard work.
We stealthily make our way over to the Lovington crates in the corner and sneak behind the curtain.
There’s the laptop sitting on a chair, the software already open showing a live feed from ten different cameras.
Along the top is a menu of the past days split into morning and afternoon footage.
It’s all very organised. I click on yesterday morning.
‘Is that a…’ Liberty squints at the screen. ‘…A dog running around in Cherry’s bedroom? With a dummy in its mouth?’
‘No!’ I say, pressing delete. ‘Well, yes, but I’ll explain later.’ At least I know it was the puppy that stole the dummy and not Ged. I click on today, quickly rewind the current footage to earlier this morning and zoom in on the camera showing the ballroom.
Liberty cackles beside me while Tash keeps a lookout for us, pretending to inspect each bottle she is pulling from the crate by our sides.
‘So, I see you and Mr Lover Lover were getting down and dirty in the… Wait, is that a hidden door? Friggin’ hell. This chateau is full of secrets, isn’t it?’
‘Which bit are you needing to get rid of?’ I ask her as I swiftly delete the footage of me being extra horny in places I shouldn’t. Luckily, the camera in the wine cellar is restricted to one corner and isn’t facing the chaise longue.
‘Yesterday afternoon in the garden near the chapel. Around…’ Liberty bites her lip in thought. ‘Around three, I think.’
I press a few buttons and sure enough I see myself sneaking over to the chapel with my bag of broken vase pieces.
‘What were you doing?’ Liberty hisses. ‘What’s in the bag?’
‘Nothing,’ I squeak, deleting it and fast-forwarding to see Liberty and Nacho scampering through the gardens, round the ornate rose bushes and over to the chapel.
It is an aerial view; the camera must be fixed to one of the first-floor balconies.
Liberty is wearing a dressing gown. I try not to gasp out loud when I see her check the coast is clear before taking off her gown to pose nude for a series of photos that Nacho is happily directing, waving his arms this way and that to catch a certain light like a professional photographer.
‘It’s not what you think,’ she hisses.
‘You have no idea what I’m thinking.’ I bite my lip. ‘Although, it does look awfully like Nacho is taking nudes of you. Outside. In full view of the staff, neighbours and half of the billionaires currently moored in south-eastern France.’
She hesitates. ‘He’s helping me make a calendar for Eddie’s Christmas present. Eddie’s got a thing for nature and the outdoors. What with growing up on a ranch. And being a cowboy. And loving my boobs.’
I take a second.
‘So, you thought he’d like a medley of nudes taken in the fresh air, open to the elements, to combine his great loves?’
She nods. ‘And they’re to go on a matching mug, socks and T-shirt. It’s all I could think of. He can have literally anything money can buy.’
As though a daily reminder of her in flagrante wasn’t enough, the poor man is expected to wear images of her naked body too. I press delete. ‘Any others?’
She nods again. ‘This morning, by the fountain.’
‘Hurry!’ stage-whispers Tash. ‘They’re coming back! Don’t forget the one of me slagging off Kev’s mother while he was at the loo.’
My fingertips race over the keyboard as fast as I can go.
I rewind to this morning. I see me and Matteo skipping down the steps, I see the taxi, I see me and Matteo returning to the chateau, I see Liberty and Nacho, Liberty posing naked on the fountain, draped over the statue, water falling over her body and several minutes of them trying to get a shot of her whipping her wet hair up into an arc, but just as I go to press delete I see a flash of coral-pink hair pass by the camera.
The person’s face is hidden, but it’s unmistakably Birdie.
She stops to watch Liberty frolicking in the water fountain then the back of her pink head swivels towards Nacho before she disappears from view.
Liberty leans in. ‘Shit. There’s only one person I know with waist-length flamingo-pink hair like that.’ Her face drains of colour. ‘Birdie must be here. And she was watching the whole thing. Christ. What if she tells Eddie?’
I press delete just as footsteps approach and Tash bellows, ‘Oh, hi, Matteo! Hi, Jules! Would you like some sparkling wine?’
Liberty and I emerge from the curtain just in the nick of time. Jules narrows his eyes, his gaze flicking to the curtain and back to us, a frown forming on his brow.
‘I dropped my…’ I desperately try to think of something.
‘She dropped her diaphragm. Just fell right out of her,’ Liberty blurts, doing hand gestures to support the tumbling of a vaginal contraceptive falling straight to the floor. Luckily, the Frenchman has no idea what she’s talking about and appears more than willing to let this go.
‘They’re still in the honeymoon phase,’ adds Tash. ‘Connie, you’d better hurry up and get that honeymoon booked and over with.’
Or what? I’ll end up with a vaginal opening the size of a train tunnel? She addresses Matteo. ‘Fancy keeping your wife waiting like that. If it was me, I’d be feckin furious if my husband didn’t bother with a honeymoon. What kind of message is that to send?’
The subject of our postponed honeymoon has been constantly popping up like unwanted TV ads. Matteo tuts. ‘We’ll be going on one as soon as this wedding is over, and Connie and I have time in our work schedules. There’s a lot to do before she moves over to LA.’
Liberty and Tash take a physical step back.
‘You’re moving to LA?’ Tash is gawping at me.
‘You’re actually moving there full-time? Not just staying for a visit? You’re doing the green card and all that? Whoa. Why haven’t you said anything?’ Liberty sounds shocked.
‘I was going to tell you all… later.’ Haven’t we got more pressing things to worry about, like spotting Birdie on the camera? ‘Please don’t tell anyone. I haven’t even had time to discuss it with my—’
A clinking sound distracts us. Big Mand is standing at the table holding up her wine glass, tapping a delicate silver spoon against it.
‘I have an announcement,’ she says loudly.
Big Sue is sitting next to her, unusually bashful.
Liberty slides in next to a bewildered Nacho, who is ogling the amount of rubbish that Cherry and Dom are feeding the kids at the top end of the table.
Tash hurries to sit next to Sister Kevin, and Matteo and I scurry to sit opposite, next to Ged and Liam.
We all stare at Big Mand. Is this about her vastly reduced silhouette which she is putting down to good hair and drinking an extra litre of water per day, instead of admitting to skinny jabs?
Not that it’s any of my business. I smile supportively as she sits down next to Big Sue, taking her hand affectionately.
OMG. I wonder if they are going to announce their engagement.
At Ged and Liam’s wedding? We’ll all be delighted but I’m not sure how that will go down.
Ged is staring rigidly ahead. I spot that he is clasping Liam’s hand underneath the table.
The wait stretches on as Big Sue, never one to be lost for words, regards each of us, a vulnerable expression shadowing her face.
My heart lurches as the room becomes eerily quiet.
‘Go on,’ encourages Big Mand softly.
‘Safe space, hun,’ says Liberty quietly.
‘We’ve got you,’ Cherry adds comfortingly.
‘Ride or die, babes,’ Tash reminds her. ‘We’re your ride or die.’
I make eye contact with Big Sue and even though I’m the relatively new member of the group, I feel the need to say something ultimately supportive and caring. Just like all their other hashtags and frequently trotted-out phrases.
I smile sympathetically. ‘Women doing women.’ I make a heart sign with my fingers. Shite. ‘In a general sense. Not women doing… erm, sexy times. What I mean is… women supporting women.’
I have ruined the moment.
Big Mand sucks in an almighty breath. She sounds ready to unleash holy hell upon me for getting my girl code mixed up.
But before Big Mand can find her words, Liberty is the first to begin sniggering. Big Sue’s lips start to twitch as Cherry disappears behind a vast cotton napkin to stifle a giggle.
‘Never change, Big Guy. Never change.’ Big Sue is using my Vegas nickname, so all must be forgiven. I mouth ‘Sorry’ and do the heart sign thing again, causing her to chuckle.
‘She doesn’t want to dress like a woman any more!’ Big Mand blurts, now red in the face from containing herself too long.
Oh.