Chapter 15 #2
To cut a long story short, when we arrive back at Chateau Beaumont, most of us are covered head to toe in baby and puppy vomit.
Peaches has been stripped down to her nappy and is wearing Louis’s luxury designer dog clothes and, worryingly, has taken to barking instead of talking.
Liam is upset because Louis threw up on his new puppy pouch but also that Clementine fed him chocolate buttons which Liam now thinks, after searching the internet, will probably kill his newborn son.
Cherry is spitting feathers with Clementine because apparently there is continued suspicion over the death of their gerbil last Christmas and the link to chocolate buttons.
And somehow everything is Dom’s fault for insisting on gentle parenting.
We arrive in hysterics and clamber out of the taxi weighed down with all the bags of puppy clothes and bits, past the fountain, up the steps and into the main hallway just as Birdie limps around the corner, arm in arm with Matteo.
They stand eyeing our war-torn group. We instinctively shove Liam and Louis to the back to keep the dog out of sight. Same with Cherry and the girls.
Matteo is quick to ask if we are all okay while Birdie seems like she couldn’t care less. She remains clamped to Matteo, preventing him from running into my waiting arms. ‘Are you alright? Do you guys need help?’
‘What happened?’ Birdie asks facetiously. She looks directly at me, her gaze taking in my dishevelled appearance. ‘Found yourselves behind enemy lines?’
Her hair is gathered up in a messy but very chic bun.
She’s wearing a staggeringly expensive-looking silk dress slit up to the thigh.
It is clinging to her like a second skin.
She has a token bandage wrapped delicately around her ankle and is somehow miraculously managing to hobble around in a pair of sky-high Jimmy Choos.
I feel (quite unnecessarily) that I should step up as spokeswoman. ‘We had a lovely time, thank you.’
She leans dramatically on Matteo for support while she questions us. ‘Did you do the Christmas lake?’
I shake my head.
‘The old town? It’s just so pretty, isn’t it?’
I shrug. ‘I’m not sure we got that far.’
‘Ah. You must have gone up to Eze. It’s such an iconic, fairy-tale village. People the world over have it on their bucket lists.’
‘Nope. We didn’t have time.’ I look behind me. Everyone has a fake smile plastered on their faces.
‘What the fuck have you been doing all afternoon?’
Buying shitloads of expensive puppy leisure wear, drinking mulled wine and vomiting over each other.
‘Why don’t we tell you all about it over dinner?’ I say, buying us some time.
‘Good idea. Matty, darling, can you help me over to the bar?’ Birdie swings her gaze about, and it lands on Nacho.
‘Ignacio, carino. Ven conmigo.’ She waves him over and speaks rapidly in Spanish.
I have no idea what is said but whatever it is renders his handsome face pale.
He looks at Matteo, who shakes his head slowly as though they are both in deep, deep shit.
We wait for the three of them to disappear back round the corner before we begin hushed whispers. ‘What will we do about Louis?’ Liam asks.
‘Never mind Louis, what about the kids?’ Cherry demands.
‘Never mind the puppy or the kids, what about my friggin’ hair extensions? They’re friggin’ ruined now.’ Tash jabs Sister Kevin in the stomach with a sharp elbow as though he should have magicked an umbrella from thin air to protect her hair from the unexpected spray of vomit.
Liberty is the only one standing quietly, a worried expression on her face. ‘She’s told him, hasn’t she?’
The buzz of hushed chatter dies down.
‘Birdie’s told Eddie about Nacho and me, hasn’t she?’ she repeats.
My heart sinks. I really don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t put it past Birdie to stir the pot.
‘What about you and Nacho, hun? I thought you were just friends with benefits?’ Big Sue asks, putting a comforting arm round Liberty’s shoulders.
A single tear falls down her cheek. ‘Just friends now, actually.’
‘So why would Birdie interfere?’ asks Big Mand, stepping forward.
‘She saw us this morning. Me and Nacho. But it was all innocent. And now she’ll make sure she ruins things for me and Eddie… and all of us. Just to get her hands on Matteo.’ Liberty reaches into her back pocket and pulls out her phone. ‘I’d better explain things to Eddie just in case.’
The Dollz cast me a sympathetic look.
‘Christ, not this all over again. Poor you, pet.’ Tash has momentarily put the hair-extension trauma to one side. ‘Listen. Both of you. Birdie is not getting away with this. You need to fight for your men. Do you hear me? Fight back. We’ll show Birdie what we Dollz are made of.’
‘Exactly,’ says Big Mand, stretching to her full height of five foot nothing and rolling up imaginary sleeves. ‘There’s no woman… or no person, I wasn’t being un-inclusive there… What was I saying? Yeah, no woman alive who didn’t survive against the wrath of the Dollz.’
Eh?
We take a beat. Big Mand is sozzled.
‘I’ll get her upstairs,’ says Big Sue, linking her arm. ‘See you later.’
Matteo sweeps into the bedroom minutes before we are due to go down to dinner. I’m still upset with him for abandoning me all day to pander to Birdie and her fake ankle sprain. How do I know it’s fake? I don’t, obviously. But I feel it will be.
I will let my annoyance simmer. I’m not the sort of wife who easily forgives at the drop of a hat.
‘It’s totally fake,’ he says, rushing towards me. He scoops me up. ‘She’s totally up to something. I just don’t know what.’ He kisses me on the lips. ‘How did it all go?’
I blink at him. ‘What’s fake?’
‘Birdie’s limp.’
‘I knew it!’
‘I caught her walking perfectly normally towards the staff quarters once she’d finished threatening my poor brother. We’ve had a big row. Anyway, you look great. I’m so sorry I wasted a complete day trying to prevent the unpreventable. I’ll make it up to you.’
He plonks me down, waiting for me to forgive him just because he’s ridiculously handsome and sincere. Well, he’ll just have to wait.
‘Who had a big row?’ I ask, snippily. ‘Not you and Nacho again?’
‘Me and Birdie. She’s sent Eddie the photo she took of Nacho and Liberty doing…’ He pauses to blow out his cheeks. ‘Doing God knows what in the fountain.’
‘Oh shit.’