Chapter 16 #2
Even though Birdie is a lanky, angry, flat-chested Frenchwoman, I’d back Liberty any day. I see Big Sue stiffen in her seat but, fortunately, Big Mand defuses the situation by putting a hand to her forehead. ‘I feel… I think I feel a little…’
Suddenly Big Mand faints face first into her melted Camembert with an almighty thump as her forehead whacks off the table.
Big Sue, who we already know has lightning-speed reflexes, catches her before she falls off the chair.
She supports Big Mand’s head as it lolls backwards and carefully rests it on her shoulder.
Birdie tuts loudly, shaking her head from side to side. ‘Skinny jabs?’
There’s a pause where we all seem to be at a loss for words. Birdie is only saying what we’re all thinking.
‘I’ll help you get her up to the room,’ I say, leaping up. Nacho and Matteo leap up too, followed by Sister Kevin. ‘I’ll get the legs.’
‘I’ll take the head,’ yells Dom, also keen to escape the dining room.
‘I’ll get the doors,’ yells Liberty, already fleeing the room.
‘And I’ll…’ Tash looks around as though the answer might be written on the walls somewhere. ‘I’ll sing to her.’
‘We’ve got this,’ says Liam as he and Ged follow behind. ‘We’re first-aid trained.’
There ensues a rescue effort as slick as any mountain rescue. Precise military co-ordination and clear instruction down the chain of command from the frontline, aka Big Sue, ensures a seamless and textbook operation.
While we may each be having our individual car crash moments, it’s good to know that it’s possible to achieve this level of teamwork when we really need to.
By the time we settle Big Mand, who came round disappointingly quickly and needed to be encouraged to stay quiet while we jostled her back to her room, we have hatched a plan.
No one is to mention the puppy until the big day and by then Louis will have walked the rings down the aisle and it’ll be too late for Birdie to intercept.
There is unanimous agreement that even Birdie, as narcissistic as she is, wouldn’t interrupt the nuptials at that point.
We leave Big Sue tending to her patient, but when we re-enter the dining room, our plates have been cleared, and Birdie is no longer in her chair.
Clementine is enthusiastically singing at the top of her lungs and Peaches is barking loudly to try and drown her out while Cherry is throwing a glass of wine down her neck and topping it back up to the brim as though she’s just done Dry January.
‘Fuck me, you lot. You could’ve warned me you were all doing a runner. ’
The staff come in with bowls piled high with a delicious-smelling main course. The butler announces what we are about to eat as though we should already be aware. He pauses.
‘These dishes are not only delicious but also a testament to the region’s culinary heritage and the joy of sharing food with friends and family.’ He looks down his nose at the empty chair and says in an accusing tone, ‘Madame Beaumont sends her apologies. She has been… called away. Bon appetit.’
There’s an audible sigh of relief before we peer guiltily back at him.
‘Thank fuck for that,’ I murmur under my breath when the butler leaves the room with a disappointed shake of his head. We don’t need Birdie ruining the happy vibe in the run-up to the wedding.
Ged is the first to speak. ‘Matteo. Do you think you could text her and ask her to come back?’
‘Yeah. We didn’t mean to be rude,’ Liam adds.
‘Yes, we did,’ says Liberty. ‘She was rude first. Threatening me and Nacho. Who does she think she is?’
‘We have one day left before the wedding,’ pleads Ged. ‘We just need to keep her onside until then.’
‘Matteo can keep her distracted, can’t you?’ Liam says, hopefully.
Matteo shakes his head. ‘Absolutely not.’
Even I’m surprised at the forcefulness in his tone.
‘I’d rather spend time relaxing with my wife… if that’s alright by you?’
‘Fair enough, love,’ agrees Tash. ‘You haven’t had more than five minutes together since you tied the knot. You two lovers can lock the door and throw away the key. We’ll handle Birdie until the wedding, don’t you worry.’
I smile gratefully at her. She’s so thoughtful underneath that brash exterior and terrifyingly heavy make-up.
‘I’ll make her one of my signature cocktails after dinner and take it to her room.’
‘Ooh, if you’re making a Fanny Smasher, can you make me one too, please? It’s ages since I had my fanny smashed.’ Cherry looks pointedly at Dom, who blazes red.
What is going on with these two?
‘I’m sure Birdie will love that,’ I say half-heartedly. ‘In fact, make it a double.’
‘Hopefully, it’ll knock her out until Boxing Day. Anything to distract her from ruining my relationship,’ groans Liberty. ‘I don’t know what she thinks she’ll prove. Eddie and I trust each other implicitly. He won’t leap to conclusions based on some silly photo.’
‘Of course he won’t,’ agrees Tash. ‘He obviously loves you to bits. Trust and honesty are the cornerstones of every healthy relationship.’ As she squeezes Sister Kevin’s hand, I can’t resist giving Matteo a side-eye.
‘Eddie probably hasn’t even given it a second’s thought. Has he replied to your text yet?’
Liberty shakes her head anxiously.
An almighty noise disturbs us. We hear the front door bang open followed by a gush of cold air whistling through the dining room.
Staff are heard shouting. Helicopter blades can be heard whirring from what sounds like just outside the window.
Footsteps clatter across the tiled floor towards us, getting louder and louder.
We stare at the arched entrance. I’m wondering what the hell is going on as a large figure looms into view.
Eddie, dressed in full cowboy gear, swoops round the corner. He has a face like thunder. His eyes dart around the room until they land on Liberty. He then screws his eyes in search of someone else. His sharp gaze lands on Nacho.
‘Outside, lover boy. You and me.’
Eddie’s hand reaches inside his waistcoat.
‘He’s got a gun!’
It’s a split second before I realise the high-pitched scream is coming from behind Clementine’s high chair. It belongs to Dom.