Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The following morning, Roland strolled into his mother's kitchen, whistling a happy tune that would make Mr. Rogers and his whole neighborhood proud, despite the fact that his current mission was to take his mother to her doctor's appointment to find out the results of her tests.
Still, Roland couldn't keep the smile from tugging his lips up as he thought about the evening before. Nelly was his Secret Saint partner. And he actually liked her.
He might even be falling for her.
He had trouble thinking of anything except how much he wanted to see her again, which would be at the Christmas program practice tonight.
"Someone sounds happy this morning," his mother said as she set her empty coffee cup down on the bar and pushed her stool away from the counter.
"I suppose I am. But it's the Christmas season.
Isn't everyone happy?" It was a rhetorical question, because his mother could easily shake her head no.
Not only was she probably nervous about her test results, but his sister, Isadora, was facing the second Christmas with her husband gone.
The first one with her divorce finalized.
That couldn't be a happy time.
Still, while Roland felt for both his mother and his sister, he also didn't feel like muting his own happiness would make their sadness or anxiety any better.
His mother gave him an interested glance, and Roland met her gaze.
"I think you have news," his mother said, and... He and Nelly hadn't said that they weren't going to tell anyone. And maybe it would take his mom's mind off of whatever was going to happen at the doctor's office.
So he grinned and nodded. "You'll never guess who I'm now friends with."
"Nelly Bushnell," his mother said.
His brows drew down immediately. "How did you guess?"
"Mother’s intuition." His mother gave a knowing chuckle, which coming from anyone else might have grated on Roland's nerves, but instead, it made him smile.
"Really?" He wondered what else her intuition told her. Perhaps she already knew, had maybe even known before he did, that he was falling in love with her?
"So what brought this on?" his mother said with another chuckle and a gleam in her eye.
He opened his mouth, but his mom put her hand up.
"You're going to thank me for volunteering you to help with the Christmas program, aren't you?"
Roland had wondered what he was going to say. He could hardly tell his mother that they had both been the Secret Saint this holiday season.
He hadn't even thought about using the Christmas program as an excuse, but it didn't feel like lying. After all, it was Nelly defending him that had kind of turned his mind toward her, even before he knew that she was the Secret Saint.
"I suppose I owe you for that, along with a million other things that you've done for me since I was born."
His mother waved a hand and grabbed her purse from where it sat on the counter. "You don't owe me anything. You've turned into such an amazing young man, I couldn't be more pleased. Seeing you walk with the Lord and serve Him is all I could ever want or need."
She seemed sincere about that too, and he believed she probably was.
Not only did his mother not typically go around talking about or saying things that she didn't mean, but all through his childhood she had always emphasized that that was the end goal: to bring glory to God.
Not just for her children, but for herself.
And to see a child that she had raised striving to do the same thing probably truly did make her happy.
"Are you ready to go?" his mother asked as she moved toward the door.
Maybe he'd been a little wrapped up in his own thoughts and feelings, the glow from last night, and knowing that Nelly and he had a friendship that he hoped might turn into more, and that he might be falling head over heels for a really wonderful, amazing woman.
But he hadn't noticed that his mom seemed... totally at ease and completely at peace.
"Aren't you nervous?" he asked as he strode toward the door, opening it for his mom so she could step out into the chilly morning air.
"Not in the slightest," she said simply.
"Because you believe that the test results are going to come back normal?" He felt like she was probably lying to herself if she had told herself that. Something was causing her exhaustion, and it could be something extremely serious. Something life-threatening.
He tried to shove that thought aside. He didn't want to think about losing his mother.
She had been the rock all through his life, and the idea that she might not be at the head of their family, gently guiding each of them to walk with the Lord, there with her words of wisdom, her calm strength, her beautiful example that he could look at anytime he needed to—the idea that she wouldn't be there. .. He could hardly stand it.
"No. I understand that I might get very bad news. I'm hoping I don't, but the possibility is certainly there."
"But you seem so... calm. Like you have total peace."
They'd made it to the car, and he opened the door for her and she started to sit before she said.
"I do. Whatever God wills is right. This is obviously something I can do nothing about, so God is in control of it. For me to think that I could do better by worrying or getting upset—it's silly."
She closed the door and he walked around his pickup, trying to figure out what to say.
Finally, as he opened the door, he could do nothing but blurt out, "But you might die!"
His mother just smiled. A peaceful, serene smile.
"I know. And then I would see Jesus. My parents are in heaven, and I have a baby that I lost in a miscarriage.
She's there too. I can't wait to see her.
There are lots of friends and family, your dad.
So many people that I can't wait to be reunited with.
Dying is part of life. And... I don't want to die.
I want to stay here and be with my kids, to see them grow up.
Nothing brings me greater joy than to see my children walking in truth, but if God wants me in heaven, I'm ready to go. "
He jutted his chin out and gritted his teeth. He didn't want to hear that. He wanted his mother to be saying that if they got bad news, she was going to fight it, she was prepared to do whatever possible to live as long as she could. He didn't want to hear her say she was ready to go.
But, even as he marshaled the arguments in his mind, he knew his mother was right. Her thoughts were exactly in line with what they should be. And that's how he should feel too. Except he didn't.
"Did I upset you?" his mother finally asked after he had been quiet for the first few minutes of the ride.
"Is it that obvious?" he said with half a breath. He wasn't mad, he was just... he loved his mom, and he didn't want anything to happen to her.
He tightened his grip on the steering wheel.
"I know you're thinking the right way. To let God handle it, and that whatever He does is right, but I don't want to let God handle it, because what if God doesn't do what I want Him to?
" There. That was the problem. And that was almost blasphemy to admit, because how could The One who had created not just him, but the entire universe, be wrong? He couldn’t.
And yet... he couldn't trust Him with his mother.
"I know that's the wrong attitude, and I know you have the right attitude. I just... I don't want anything to happen to you."
He couldn't look at her while he was talking, and was grateful for the fact that he was driving and didn't have to take his gaze off the road.
"I think that's perfectly normal, and I wouldn't feel bad about it. I don't necessarily think that God is surprised by that attitude. After all, He knows everything."
His mother gave a gentle smile, and the irony was not lost on him.
He wasn't supposed to be upset. He knew that God would not be surprised at his attitude, because God knew everything, and that wasn't hard to accept.
But somehow, when he tried to tell himself that God knew everything, and meant that He knew what would be best for him and his mom, whether the test results were positive or negative, it was a little bit harder to handle.
"Yeah. Sometimes, even though I think of myself as a really logical person, logic is not working on me right now."
"I don't think that faith is logical. Faith is actually allowing things that do not seem logical to be okay."
His mom always had such wisdom.
"See? I need you. I need you to share your wisdom with me, because I'm not ready to do life without it.
" Even though he was old enough and most people would think he was crazy.
But... why would he go through life without his mother's wisdom, when he could go through it with it, and do a much better job of living the way he wanted to, in a way that he wouldn't regret?
He pulled into the medical center, a Christmas carol softly playing on the radio, the green wreath Terry had on the door of her clinic proclaiming the season, although the conversation with his mom made him feel less like Christmas than he had in a long time.
And he had been so happy. Why not stay happy? Why not just trust that God knew what was best? Simply trust. Wasn't that what the old hymn said? That to trust and obey was the way to be happy in Jesus?
It sounded so simple, and yet sometimes it was so hard to do.
Still, he didn't want the shadow of gloom and doom hanging over him when his mother seemed so peaceful and serene.
What was the point in being a Christian, if he chose to worry and fret rather than simply trust?
"I'm sorry that I wiped the smile off your face," his mother said, the line between her brows showing her concern as she laid her hand on his forearm, which had not moved from the steering wheel.
"No. It's not your fault, it's mine. You have the right attitude. God knows best, and I just need to leave this in His hands, and choose to be content. Isn't that what Paul said?"
His mother nodded, and he listened as the words to the verse rolled off her tongue, her voice so familiar and beloved, as she quoted the words that were etched in his heart. "I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
The days of him being able to hear his mother quote Bible verses were numbered.
Of course they were. They'd been numbered since he had been born, but only God knew the number, and what God did was perfect and right.
He believed that to the bottom of his soul, and now, this was the kind of challenge that he had in order to prove that what he believed was actually the way he lived.
Because if he believed that God was in control, and that He worked everything out for his good and God's glory, then there was nothing to worry about.
"All right, let's go see what the doctor has to say," he said, as he gave his mother a smile.
She looked deeply into his eyes for a moment, as though trying to judge whether he was just putting on a facade, or whether it was sincere to the depths of his soul.
She seemed satisfied with what she saw, because then she returned his smile.
"Let's go."