Chapter 8 El Cuento de los Butt Cheeks
El Cuento de los Butt Cheeks
AMIL: Hello, beautiful people, and thank you for tuning in to Celebrity Straight Talk. I’m Amil Nair, your host, along with the devastatingly beautiful and talented Isla Wallace.
ISLA: Hi-la, it’s Isla!
AMIL: Today we’re talking about the Date Your Celebrity Crush! winners. Isla, can you please hold my hand? I feel like I might be hyperventilating. All the oxygen in the room has been replaced with envy.
ISLA: Amil, it’s going to be okay. Here’s my hand. Also, I think I have a paper bag in my car.
AMIL: Now I know I shouldn’t be jealous. These nice people made a sizable donation to a worthy cause for the opportunity to go on a date with one of the five hottest hotties in Hollywood. But what’s been haunting me for the last hour is the finalist round.
ISLA: All that flesh, Amil!
AMIL: Indeed! And how about the unforgettable moment when a shirtless Sean O’Sullivan pressed the hand of a contestant against that devastating mouth of his? Oh dear, it’s happening again. [gasps] Did you say you had a paper bag?
ISLA: In the car, but I’m parked really far away.
And yes, I did see that. That woman’s name is Josie Days, and she’s a makeup artist and the best friend of Emmy Connor.
We’ve seen her around before. Here’s a partial shot of her hiding behind some flowers at Emmy and Jason’s wedding.
And here’s the back of her head at a gala event.
AMIL: Nepotism alert! Call my lawyer!
ISLA: I would, Amil, if Ms. Days had shown any indication of enjoying herself on the Date Your Celebrity Crush! show. Look at that face. She doesn’t look like a contest winner. She looks like a hostage.
AMIL: She hardly even touched Sean during that skin-tillating finalist round. What is wrong with this woman?
ISLA: Maybe she’s Ace.
AMIL: She’s not Ace. Did you see her reaction when he did the thing?
ISLA: The thing?
AMIL: The thing with the hand! The hand thing! Her hand against his mouth—argh! Are you really going to make me relive it? You monster!
ISLA: Sorry, Amil.
AMIL: If Sean O’Sullivan had done that to me, my reaction would’ve been biblical.
ISLA: I don’t doubt it.
AMIL: The roof would have come down. Angels would have blown their trumpets. People would have exploded into pillars of salt.
ISLA: So… where do you think Sean will take this Josie person on their date?
AMIL: Maybe a museum. She’d be right at home in the sculpture room, standing stock-still, staring into space.
ISLA: Agreed. What did you think of her most embarrassing moment?
AMIL: El Cuento De Los Butt Cheeks? Eh, I’d give it a solid seven out of ten on the embarrassment scale. But what was she doing riding a bus in Mexico?
ISLA: Getting from one place to another without a car?
AMIL: Yes, but was she on vacation? Most tourists don’t take public transportation. They get shuttled around by their resort.
ISLA: Or they take a taxi or rideshare.
AMIL: Right? Buses are for locals.
ISLA: There seems to be a lot of mystery surrounding Sean O’Sullivan’s Celebrity Crush date. I can’t wait to learn more.