Chapter 16 That must have been some pimple.
That must have been some pimple.
Transcript. Hollywood, De Repente with Hugo Valencia.
HUGO: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our exclusive interview with Ms. Josie Days, the winner of a date with Sean O’Sullivan and a former resident of the beautiful country of Mexico, my homeland.
She’s promised us an exclusive first look at the date she had with Captain Footwork himself.
Welcome, Ms. Days. You’re not dressed as an alien today, but I must say it’s odd to be talking to the back of your head.
JOSIE: I got the idea from Sia.
HUGO: Okay, before we share some photos and video, let’s catch the viewers up on a little bit of your background.
Josie is a cosmetologist from Florida who now works on the Lost Star set.
She learned her Spanish in school and while at an unnamed nunnery, apparently.
But we’re all more interested in how your date went.
Tell us a little bit about the conversation.
JOSIE: We didn’t get to talk much. There were a lot of cameras.
HUGO: Ah yes! Look at that marvelous photo of you and Sean with Orbit. God, I love that little guy. So cute, isn’t he?
JOSIE: Er—
HUGO: I suppose you also didn’t get to talk a lot because of all the dancing.
JOSIE: There was some dancing.
HUGO: Look at these two punishing the tile! You have great rhythm together. I think I saw some sparks flying there. How about you, ladies and gentlemen?
[studio audience hoots and whistles]
JOSIE: There was nothing to see. It was a contest. The date was the prize. We had dinner. We danced. I can’t help it if Sean likes to show off.
HUGO: Well, you like to show off, too, no? With your blue head, all painted up.
JOSIE: I… had a pimple.
HUGO: That must have been some pimple.
JOSIE: Enormous.
HUGO: But aren’t you a makeup artist? Couldn’t you cover it up?
JOSIE: I did. With lots of blue makeup. That we weren’t going to focus on during our chat.
HUGO: Right. But come on, Josie. We all saw you kissing Sean in the closet last week. If it was just a contest, explain that.
JOSIE: Um… explain what?
HUGO: The kiss?
JOSIE: Er… [clears throat] Right.
[long pause]
HUGO: It’s not much of an interview if you don’t speak, Ms. Days.
[another long pause]
HUGO: Ms. Da—
JOSIE: [interrupts] Have you ever made a mistake before, Hugo?
One you saw coming from a mile away, but you did it anyway?
You knew better, you did. You knew there were going to be consequences, but the promise of pleasure and satisfaction from doing that thing was too great to deny yourself?
Has that ever happened to you before, Hugo?
Because that’s what that kiss was. A mistake I couldn’t walk away from.
An opportunity to engage in sheer, intoxicating stupidity with Sean O’Sullivan’s mouth. And I took it. Judge me if you must.
HUGO: Wow.
JOSIE: So, yes, that’s done. I kissed him. We ate dinner. We danced. And now I can go back to living my normal life.
HUGO: I see. Except I think we’re all asking the same thing.
JOSIE: And what’s that?
HUGO: Why does it have to be over? He seems to like you, too. Who knows? You might be very happy together.
JOSIE: Happiness is a trite, impossible notion.
HUGO: That’s a little dark, don’t you think?
JOSIE: Is it? Well, then I’ll tell you another reason Sean and I could never be together.
HUGO: And what is that?
JOSIE: I’m in love with someone else.
HUGO: You are?
JOSIE: Yes.
HUGO: Who is this person?
JOSIE: I can’t tell you that. But he’s very sexy, even sexier than Sean O’Sullivan. If Sean is an eleven on the sexy scale, this guy is a seventeen.
HUGO: I see. Is he another actor?
JOSIE: Oh no. You don’t know him. He’s a very private person with a very private profession. Perfect for someone like me.
HUGO: What does he do?
JOSIE: He’s a… [gulps] spy.
HUGO: Like James Bond?
JOSIE: Yes. I probably shouldn’t have told you that. But since you’ll never meet him, it doesn’t matter.
HUGO: Can we get a first name?
JOSIE: And blow his cover? What kind of girlfriend would I be?
HUGO: Can you tell us anything at all about him?
JOSIE: He’s great. He’s normal. He’s the perfect, super-handsome but totally normal spy man. For example, he has a dog. A golden retriever. Everybody likes those, right? Right?
[audience cheers]
HUGO: So, does Sean know that the kiss was a mistake?
JOSIE: We don’t speak of it.
HUGO: Why not?
JOSIE: I broke his heart. Sean told me he never wanted to see me again. That it was too painful. Oh, look, I think your staff is waving to us.
HUGO: You broke Sean O’Sullivan’s heart? He hasn’t said anyth—
JOSIE: Sorry, Hugo. I believe my time is up.
HUGO: So it is. Thank you, Josie Days, for speaking with us today. It’s been… illuminating.
JOSIE: Where’s the exit?
HARPER ROSE TALKS HOLLYWOOD, OCTOBER 8
HARPER: Welcome, welcome everyone. Thanks for tuning in to Harper Rose Talks Hollywood.
Well, the mystery of the day is this strange interview Sean O’Sullivan’s Date Your Celebrity Crush!
winner Josie Days had with a Mexican gossip columnist and why none of the rest of us can get her to talk to us.
Confused yet? I know I am. This girl is as gringa as her BFF, Emmy Connor, but somehow, she speaks another language.
How is that even possible? Is she European?
Anyway, I’ve got a printout of the translation of that interview, and even reading it in English, I can’t figure out what’s going on.
She’s a nun, and now she’s in love with a spy?
What kind of spy has a golden retriever?
You can’t just grab a go bag and hop on a plane when you have a golden retriever waiting for you at home.
Frankly, I think she’s making all this stuff up.
And why would she do that? I’ll tell you why.
Because she has a secret. That’s right; you heard it here first. Josie Days, Sister Butt Cheek Bus Flasher, is hiding something.
I think our debonair starship captain is smart to stay far, far away from her.
That kind of crazy might be contagious, and he’s already got a few cards in his hand from that particular deck.
[clears throat] In case you don’t remember, his brother, disgraced actor Seamus O’Sullivan and the original Captain Footwork, was fired for stalking a stuntwoman.
Shocking and tragic, yes, but if Brother Number One hadn’t turned out to be an obsessive, creepy weirdo, we wouldn’t have our dashing Sean in the captain’s chair, guiding us through the steps of the interstellar mambo, now would we? One door closes, people.
But I will admit that this Josie person did say one thing that didn’t sound like a big, fat lie or the ramblings of a lunatic.
She said kissing Sean O’Sullivan was the kind of mistake you know you’re about to make but can’t stop yourself from making.
I felt that deep in my soul. If I were in a closet with Sean O’Sullivan, I don’t think I could stop myself from kissing him, either.
If someone told me the world was going to end if my lips touched his, I’d be like, Sorry world, you’re on your own.
[sighs] I’m not alone in that, am I? Let me know in the comments.
This is Harper Rose. Don’t forget to stop and listen to the Rose!