Chapter 20 Do I look like a botanist?
Do I look like a botanist?
AMIL: Hello, everyone! It’s Celebrity Straight Talk comin’ atcha with Amil Nair and Isla Wallace.
ISLA: Hi-la!
AMIL: Listen, before you all start clamoring at the door like a bunch of proverbial zombies, I’ll have you know, we have what you want—photos of Sean O’Sullivan and his edgy new girlfriend, Josie Days!
ISLA: Yay! It hasn’t been easy. Josie hasn’t made an official appearance since she gave an exclusive interview to Hollywood Days Repent.
AMIL: Uh, that’s not how you say it, Isla.
ISLA: Hollywood Day Repent. Days Repentay? [groan] I don’t know how to say it.
AMIL: You have to roll your Rs. Hollywood, De Repente. Like that.
ISLA: Anyway, that’s the last we’ve heard from her, but not the last we’ve seen of her. A little bit of expert investigative reporting has revealed the following.
AMIL: Drumroll, please! One photo of Josie Days and Sean O’Sullivan gazing lovingly into one another’s eyes. This was a social media post by Emmy’s teenage daughter.
ISLA: What the heck were they doing? Are they in a war room? What are all those funny little things on the table in front of them?
AMIL: An excellent question, Isla. I, too, was as confused as a cat in a bag.
But apparently, it was board game night at the Connors’, and according to Peyton (quote) These two are going down.
It’s too early to misbehave (unquote). Well, in my book, where Sean O’Sullivan is involved, it’s never too early to misbehave.
ISLA: It’s the first time we’re getting a really good look at Josie’s face, isn’t it?
AMIL: We found a video of her on Peyton’s TikTok page as well.
ISLA: Um, I don’t know how I feel about this, Amil. Isn’t it kind of unethical to stalk celebrities’ kids’ social media accounts?
AMIL: It’s fine, Isla! Don’t be such a Debbie Downer! Here’s Josie singing a lullaby to Jason’s little boy. The video is about a year old, when Jason and Emmy first got married. I really had to scroll deep into Peyton’s page. Almost drowned in Taylor Swift posts, actually.
ISLA: Oh God, that feels so wrong. But Josie does have a lovely voice. Oh, she noticed Peyton filming her. She’s not happy about it. Oh my! We should’ve bleeped that.
AMIL: She’s a feisty one, all right.
ISLA: I gotta say, I like her, Amil. Teenagers need a firm hand. And so does Sean O’Sullivan.
AMIL: I like her, too. She’s got this je ne sais quoi, doesn’t she? She’s like Everywoman, but less pathetic.
ISLA: I’d say she’s more like Anythingwoman. She’ll say anything. Do anything. Dress like an alien. Hiss at the camera. Lie shamelessly about her past. There’s a real nobility in that. Well, maybe not the lying part.
AMIL: Yeah, but I don’t even care about that, Isla, and you know why? Because she’s not lying about the important things. Like the kiss in the closet. I think we all felt that. And like this moment right here, with Jason’s little boy. That’s really sweet and authentic.
ISLA: And have you seen how Sean looks at her? I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look at anyone that way before.
AMIL: That’s a good point, Isla. The girls on his arm usually look like houseplants—like he’s carrying a rhododendron to the sink to be watered.
ISLA: The rhododendron is an outdoor shrub, Amil.
AMIL: Do I look like a botanist?
ISLA: I think you meant philodendron.
AMIL: Rhododendron, philodendron, who can keep all those dendrons straight? Anyway, my point is, with the dendrons, he always looked so bored. But with this Josie Days person, he just…
ISLA: Lights up.
AMIL: Yes! [sighs] Fearless Josie Days, mystery woman who we all want to be… please take good care of our smokin’ hot bowl of Irish stew for us.
ISLA: And please tell us more about that mouth.
AMIL: Oh God, yes. That too.
JOSIE DAYS’S PERSONAL REEL
JOSIE: Hey everyone, it’s Josie Days. I opened this account so I could talk to you all directly.
Apparently, some of you out there like me, or think I’m interesting, and want to know more about me.
That’s why I’m recording this video. It’s called Ten Things to Hate About Me.
I’m hoping, after enough people see it, you’ll all stop talking about me or cancel me or do whatever it is you have to do.
Bottom line, you’ll forget I ever existed. Let’s jump right in, shall we?
One. I hate dogs. Yes, I said it. They’re slobbery and high maintenance. All you dog people can start writing that hate mail now. Rest assured I’ll delete it without reading it.
Two. I’m judgmental. Your hair, your makeup, your face. I’m judging it. Always.
Three. I ate horsemeat once. I knew it, too. Didn’t even flinch.
Four. Halloween is overrated. Day of the Dead is way cooler.
Five. That goes for Christmas, too. In fact, I bear a curse where, if I hear a Christmas song before the day after Thanksgiving, an angel loses its wings. Plucked right off!
Six. I wasn’t ever a nun. Yes, I lied. I’m a liar.
Seven. [takes deep breath] Get ready for this one… I never watched Game of Thrones.
Eight. I don’t put things back where I got them. If I pull a book off the shelf at the library, I just stuff it back in anywhere. And, if you lend me something, just know that you’ll never see it again.
Nine. I hate pumpkin spice. It’s the symbol of the oligarchy.
Ten. Sean O’Sullivan and I are officially not together.
There will be no more kissing. No more closets.
I’m never talking about his mouth again.
So, forget your FOMO. You’re not missing out on anything.
Lose my name, lose my hashtag, and go on with your lives.
I don’t owe you anything! [shoots gang signs as she moves off camera, and then quickly comes back on camera]
Oh, wait, I almost forgot. Some of you were asking about my artwork. Yes, it’s available for sale on Etsy. The link is in my bio. I take all forms of digital payment. Please allow one week for shipping. Thank you.
MY EVERYDAY PAPARAZZI MOBILE PODCAST
WOMAN: We’re out and about in Beverly Hills, and look who we’ve spotted—Sean O’Sullivan! Sean! Sean! Do you have a minute?
SEAN: Always.
WOMAN: Josie Days says it’s over between the two of you. Do you have anything to say about that?
SEAN: Those Zentharians are cold as ice.
WOMAN: Was the breakup amicable?
SEAN: Have you asked her that question?
WOMAN: She won’t do interviews. All we’ve seen since the Date Your Celebrity Crush! debrief is her Ten Things to Hate About Me reel.
SEAN: Her what?
WOMAN: You haven’t seen it?
SEAN: I have not.
WOMAN: So you didn’t know she hates dogs?
SEAN: No. But a lot of people don’t like dogs. What else did she say?
WOMAN: She ate a horse once.
SEAN: Stop.
WOMAN: I’m serious.
SEAN: Well, I’m sure the horse deserved it.
WOMAN: She’s against Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
SEAN: Aren’t we all?
WOMAN: She might be a communist. She said pumpkin spice was a symbol of the oligarchy.
SEAN: She’s definitely not a communist. She has an Etsy store.
WOMAN: Well, never mind. We all still love her! And, by the way, almost all of her Sean-osie art has sold out of that Etsy store you mentioned. I tried to buy the last one yesterday, but someone swiped it before I could complete the payment.
SEAN: Sean-osie art?
WOMAN: Oh yes! She’s got several originals and some prints, too.
SEAN: Is it… suitable for work?
WOMAN: Mm, most of the time. So, do you think—?
SEAN: Could you excuse me? I need to… look at my phone for a sec.