Chapter 38 The sex was too good.
The sex was too good.
Transcript. Hollywood, De Repente with Hugo Valencia.
HUGO: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome back to the studio one of the most popular couples in Hollywood—Sean O’Sullivan and Josie Days.
JOSIE: Good afternoon, Hugo.
SEAN: Hello.
HUGO: So, you two are the couple of the hour. Everyone is talking about you. But today you have an announcement. A very sad announcement, isn’t that right?
JOSIE: Yes, Hugo. We want to let the public know that we’re breaking up.
HUGO: Oh my! Well, I think all of us are very surprised to hear that. And sad.
JOSIE: Not that it’s anyone’s business, but it just isn’t working out.
HUGO: What happened?
JOSIE: It’s really very simple. The sex was too good. That’s it. The sex was too good, and when the sex is too good, you know the relationship isn’t going to last.
HUGO: Oho!
SEAN: I agree. The sex was really, really good, and so we had to end it.
HUGO: This wasn’t something you two could work around?
JOSIE: There’s no working around sex like that, Hugo. But I do want to say to the next woman—you’re very lucky. And buckle up.
SEAN: I appreciate that.
HUGO: So, you two are officially done?
JOSIE: Yes, sir. We even got the breakup notarized.
SEAN: Sealed with blood and wax.
JOSIE: A judge presided over our last kiss.
SEAN: A fat lady sang.
HUGO: Do you think you’re still going to be friends?
SEAN: Absolut—
JOSIE: No! Sorry, Hugo, you won’t be seeing us together anymore, even as friends. It wouldn’t be fair since Sean’s already dating someone else.
HUGO: He is?
SEAN: [clears throat] Tragically, yes.
HUGO: Who is it?
JOSIE: Oh, you know, some debutante.
HUGO: What’s her name, Sean?
JOSIE: He doesn’t need to know her name. They’re all interchangeable.
HUGO: I guess once we see them together, we’ll know who she is.
JOSIE: It might be awhile. She’s having surgery.
HUGO: Oh. Is she ill?
JOSIE: It’s elective. And facial. She’s going to look like a pound of ground beef for weeks. And by then—
SEAN: By then, I’ll have already dumped her.
JOSIE: Right! But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about her. She’s a person, and she’s the one everyone should be focusing on right now. We can all refer to her as Susan for now. Healing vibes, Susan!
SEAN: Yeah. But before we replace Josie with my new, plastic-surgery-loving and very temporary girlfriend, Susan, I do want to say one last thing to her.
HUGO: Of course, Sean. Go ahead.
SEAN: I want Josie to know that, even though I apparently immediately ran into the arms of another woman the day after we broke up, it’s not because I didn’t care about her. I wish her the best. I truly do. I want her to be happy.
JOSIE: Thanks, Sean. I want you to be happy, too. And I’ll miss the great sex.
SEAN: Me, too.
HUGO: So where did you two go on your last and final date together?
JOSIE: Oh my God, we went to this amazing place called Ha—
SEAN: Whale watching! We went whale watching!
JOSIE: That’s what I meant to say.
CELEbrITY STRAIGHT TALK, OCTOBER 28
AMIL: Well, plug my blowhole and call me Moby Dick. Isla, have you heard the news? Sean O’Sullivan and Josie Days have broken up! Welcome, everyone, to another episode of Celebrity Straight Talk. I’m Amil Nair, and this is my cohost, Isla Wallace.
ISLA: Hi-la! I did hear that, Amil. The couple—well, ex-couple now—gave an exclusive interview to Hollywood, De Rep—Derrep—Dammit, I still can’t say it.
AMIL: Hollywood, De Rrrrrrepente! God, my Spanish is good.
According to Josie, it was more physical than anything else, so it was never going to last, and while I feel that, deeply, I still need to ask: How, Isla?
How does one break up with Sean O’Sullivan, the Irish god of pectorals?
I think Josie might need a cognitive test done.
An MRI maybe. Something’s wrong inside that girl’s head.
ISLA: Agreed. People are losing their minds over this, Amil. There’s wailing in the streets. Apparently, Sean-osie meant a lot to the masses, and they’re not taking this breakup well.
AMIL: I cried. I did.
ISLA: But apparently there’s another woman on the horizon for Sean already, and we’ll be on the lookout for this mysterious Susan person who apparently has a terrible plastic surgeon.
AMIL: Probably not board certified. You always need to ask about board certification, Isla. Don’t let any yahoo with letters behind their name cut on your face.
ISLA: Amen to that. I did hear some scuttlebutt that Josie and Sean are in charge of Emmy and Jason’s gender reveal, so we’ll be seeing Josie at least one more time.
AMIL: Ah, yes! On Halloween evening we’ll be finding out the X and Y chromosome status of the Connor fetus. So very exciting.
ISLA: Speaking of exciting news, Amil, did you hear that the stolen George Washington hat from Hamilton was found?
AMIL: No!
ISLA: Yes! At a seedy bar in Van Nuys.
AMIL: Did they find the culprit?
ISLA: Not yet. But I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. Anyway, I guess this is where we say goodbye to Josie Days.
AMIL: Alas, yes. Maybe we should see her off with a rhyming poem.
ISLA: Good idea! You start.
AMIL: Ahem. Josie Days. You’re going aways. This is where we wave a handkerchief and sayz… [mutters] Help me out here, Isla.
ISLA: Olés?
AMIL: Damn, girl, give me a fist bump. You never cease to amaze me.