Chapter 42 Quote unquote.
Quote unquote.
AMIL: Hope your Halloween was a good one. I’m Amil Nair, and welcome to another action-packed episode of Celebrity Straight Talk. Boy, the Lost Star cast really keep our bills paid, don’t they, Isla?
ISLA: Hi-la! It’s Isla Wallace, and, yes, Amil, without the likes of Sean O’Sullivan and Jason Connor, you and I would probably be working at Pizza Guys.
AMIL: We have sooooo much to talk about today, but first things first. Jason and Emmy are having a baby girl! Yay! Bring on the bows and those little elastic headbands that all babies hate!
ISLA: Yes, congratulations to them. However, the afternoon revealed more than Little Girl Connor’s gender.
AMIL: That’s right, Isla. It also revealed the seedy underbelly of Sean O’Sullivan’s social life at a weirdo-fest called Hamilton on the Roof.
AMIL & ISLA: Oof!
AMIL: It’s like The Rocky Horror Picture Show in petticoats and breeches.
ISLA: The American Revolution in a marijuana haze.
AMIL: It’s odd for someone like Sean to hang out at a place like that, don’t you think?
ISLA: It’s definitely not the sort of thing celebrities tend to do.
AMIL: We also learned that Josie can tap. Did you see that? She was like Gene Kelly!
ISLA: Who?
AMIL: Oh, never mind. Some people never spent their childhood summers at their grandparents’, and it shows.
ISLA: Don’t forget that we also learned that Josie may have a secret, dark past as a puppet serial killer named Savannah Bateman!
AMIL: Technically, it was only one puppet, but who’s counting, right?
ISLA: Apparently, in her youth, a tap dancing Savannah Bateman and her ventriloquist stepsister, Lupe Castillo, were paragons of multiculturalism. Until she torched her sister’s puppet, called her the “b” word, and ran away.
AMIL: Wait a minute. I think I studied their stuff in my AP Spanish class. She murdered Chuy the Puppet? That’s beyond wrong.
ISLA: It’s not really about the puppet, Amil. It’s more about the fact that her outburst got the show canceled and put all of her castmates out of a job.
AMIL: How can you say it’s not about the puppet? What if it had been Baby Yoda? Or our dear Orbit? Or Lamb Chop!
ISLA: Who’s Lamb Chop?
AMIL: Never mind.
ISLA: Lupe confirmed that Josie Days and Savannah Bateman are, indeed, the same person. [aside] She saw her at the Connor gender reveal.
AMIL: That poor baby. She’ll have to spend her whole life overshadowed by this scandal. But do you think Josie Days is really Savannah Bateman?
ISLA: Yes, I do! Josie has been camera-shy from the beginning.
We’ve seen her tap dancing skills firsthand in that video.
Not to mention, in a fan-posted selfie of Sean and Josie in Las Vegas, Sean’s phone screen is open to a browser showing a Mexican newspaper article about the very night Savannah went off the rails.
AMIL: ?Ay, caramba!
ISLA: Which means he knew. Sean knew all along who she was. He lied to us.
AMIL: Okay, but I think we should cut him some slack, Isla. When you love someone, quote unquote, you do things for them. Like protect their secret identity.
ISLA: Do you think Sean loves Josie, quote unquote?
AMIL: I do, Isla. I think he loves Josie, quote unquote, more than anyone we’ve seen him with yet.
ISLA: But Sean may have lied to us about something else, too. A police raid on the very same Hamilton on the Roof event that Sean and Josie attended uncovered one stolen George Washington tricorn hat worn by Christopher Jackson on Broadway, and Sean may have been in possession of it.
AMIL: Oh dear. They didn’t throw our sexy captain in the brig, did they? He’ll be sullied!
ISLA: Relax, Amil. Sean hasn’t been arrested. He’s just being questioned, and he can’t leave LA county until the investigation is closed.
AMIL: ?Gracias a Dios!
ISLA: I’m a little worried about him, though. He’s starting to remind me of another O’Sullivan, and not that rugged, sexy dad of his.
AMIL: His creepy brother, Seamus? Yeah, I got that vibe, too. [shudders]
ISLA: Dressing up like that. Hanging out in seedy joints. Stealing things. I mean, he’s always been quirky, but this is something else.
AMIL: Sean, please don’t do this to us! If you turn out to be a creepy weirdo like your brother, I just couldn’t bear it!
ISLA: It’s okay, Amil. We’ll get through this.
HARPER’S HOT SEAT
HARPER: Welcome, fans, to Harper’s Hot Seat, where your favorite celebs answer your most burning questions at top speed.
Today we have Sean O’Sullivan, whom you know best as Captain Footwork from Lost Star Dance Troupe Saves the Universe but who, if he gets the part, may very soon also be known as Thunderstrike, Guardian of the Blaze Munchers.
SEAN: It’s Guardian of the Blaze Masters, and yes, auditions are later today.
HARPER: You’re looking good, I’ll say that much.
SEAN: I haven’t had a carb in over a month.
HARPER: I’m glad they didn’t throw you in jail over the hat thing.
SEAN: I didn’t steal the hat, but that’s all I’m allowed to say as the investigation is ongoing.
HARPER: So, I have to ask it: how often do you go to those… events?
SEAN: It’s important to get out of your comfort zone once in a while, Heather.
HARPER: Did you just call me Heather?
SEAN: Did I?
HARPER: Right. Okay, let’s do this. Answer as fast as you can. Don’t overthink it. Harper’s Hot Seat commences… now! What was your nickname as a kid?
SEAN: Seanny Bear or Seanny Boy.
HARPER: Go-to breakfast?
SEAN: Whatever my chef makes me.
HARPER: What would a cologne called Sean O’Sullivan smell like?
SEAN: Push-ups and pomade.
HARPER: Cartoon crush?
SEAN: Rapunzel.
HARPER: How do you take your coffee?
SEAN: Organic, from the highlands of Guatemala. With six Splendas.
HARPER: How are you dealing with your breakup with Josie?
SEAN: I’ve moved on.
HARPER: I heard she quit the show and left LA.
SEAN: That she did.
HARPER: And how’s Susan doing?
SEAN: Who?
HARPER: The woman you’re currently dating.
SEAN: Oh, her. I really can’t say. HIPAA.
HARPER: Have you ever made a shrine?
SEAN: Excuse me?
HARPER: A shrine, like with pictures and drawings and stuff, like your brother did with that stuntwoman a few years ago.
SEAN: Can we get the next question, Heather?
HARPER: It’s Harper. You’re doing that on purpose, aren’t you?
SEAN: I would never do anything on purpose.
HARPER: Ha ha. Any plans tonight?
SEAN: Actually, yes. Vera, the lady whom Josie replaced on the show, has finally been discharged from the hospital, and we’re going out on a date.
HARPER: Where will you take her? The Rocky Horror Picture Show?
SEAN: Er-
HARPER: Sorry, I couldn’t resist.