Chapter Thirty-Nine
Nola
I led Bee to the private rooftop area attached to my aunts’ penthouse. The full moon hung so low it felt like I could touch the sky, the white glow so bright it provided enough light to see clearly.
“It’s so beautiful,” Bee marveled. It was as if this was the first time she was seeing the moon. As if it didn’t do this exact thing every month. Like I hadn’t heard her from across the hall, slide her own balcony door open to just stare and admire.
For two months I’d been memorizing the small things about Brittney Lee that created the whole version of her.
From her everyday routines, her sense of humor, to the empathy she showed to the people in her real life and even the reality tv she watched.
I realized she was the exact same person from when we were eighteen.
Just more well rounded, more steady in herself.
She was such an open book, it made me want to reveal the pages in my own story. Fall open for her like how she did everyday. I wanted her to see more of me, just like I got to see all of her.
The overwhelming feeling built slowly the longer I looked at her. It was a dull hum at first, a slow warmth compared to the instant heat I felt around her.
“I think stunning is a better word.”
My voice distracted her, and she focused wholly on me.
The apprehension of who was watching was gone—it was just us and the moon.
The smile that grew on her face lit me up inside; a spotlight reserved just for me.
The electricity zapped whatever unaffected parts of my heart remained in my chest. I stepped closer to her, our shoulders back to touching like they were earlier tonight.
“Hi,” I whispered.
“Hi.”
“Can we talk?”
“We are talking.” She smiled at her own joke.
I took a breath and rephrased, the silence slowed my heart rate ever so slightly. I felt Brittney’s hand slip into mine, a silent encouragement, a blessing, a life raft, and it raced again. “I want to talk about us.”
Brittney tried to slip her hand out of mine, seemingly preparing for bad news, but I held on tighter.
“I already know what you’re going to say.” She turned away, her face back to looking at the sky, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “You don’t have to let me down easy; I’m a big girl.”
“Who says I’m letting you down?”
“Common sense and logic.” She rolled her head back to me. “The inevitable countdown that is our lives under a magnifying glass. We’ve been through this before.”
I nodded along, because objectively she was right, and I’m normally inclined to make the logical decision. But for once, I was tired of removing myself from my own life. I wanted to be emotional. I wanted to feel like I had a life I could control.
“You’re right. All of that, yes, of course. But…”
“But?”
“We haven’t been through this together.”
“And we will, as teammates.”
“But I don’t want to get through it as teammates, Bee.”
“Tell that to the contracts we signed, Nola.”
“I want to get through it as more than teammates,” I confessed.
“Nola…”
“Remember when you said that maybe this was a one-time thing? That we’d fuck and it would erase this electric wire between us?”
She sighed deeply. “Yes.”
“Did you mean that?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“Okay, how about this. Do you feel like you’ve gotten me out of your system?”
Bee shook her head. “Nola what do you want to hear?”
“The truth. But I know I’ve made that hard for you and I’m so, so sorry. I’ll never stop telling you and showing you how sorry I am. But I want to hear the truth and this time; I’ll be the first to say it.”
Tears welled in the corners of Bee’s eyes and it killed me to not know if it was sadness, regret, or something else But I was desperate for Bee to hear me, so I started.
“Brittney, for some God-forsaken reason, I cannot shake you. I can’t get you out of my system.
You make me glow. I love the way your brain works, and I love the way you show up for everyone.
I love it when you’re loud all the time so much that I hate it when you’re quiet.
I hate that you leave every light on, but I love it because it’s how I know you’re home.
Even when you hated my guts and I knew where we stood, I just wanted to fix it.
To confess that draft night fucked me up more than I could have ever imagined.
That when I tasted you for the first time, I didn’t want it to be the last. And the same still stands all these years later.
You followed a gut feeling, and I followed the first thing opposite from what I thought I wanted. ”
“And we found each other,” Bee finished for me as if she was in my head, running around and opening up the file cabinets to examine me. Opening file after file and leaving the drawers open.
I moved closer to her now, the rapid rise and fall of my chest the only thing I could focus on to avoid embarrassment. I’d always loved how we were the same height. We were always been equal but this was a new playing field neither of us had knowledge in.
“Can I give a big speech now?” Bee held back a smile.
“That would be nice. I’m not used to saying every thought out loud.”
Bee pressed into me and tucked her head into the crook of my neck, arms wrapping around my waist. She fit so well here, but I had to ask, “Are you about to close your eyes?”
She shook her head. “No. I just really wanted to touch you while I say this.”
I slipped my fingers into her hair and used my other arm to hold her tighter.
“I used to think admitting love was scary. That it gave the other person power over how they could make you feel. Like every day would be a reminder that they held your heart and could do whatever they wanted with it.”
I kissed Bee’s temple and her arms held me closer as if there was more space where we could connect before we physically became one.
The thought made me smile.
“I loved you at one point, Nola. That girl who still had brown hair and let me peel her layers back like an onion. I loved pressing your buttons and I loved that you started pressing mine back. But then you hurt me, and that love became pain and I never wanted to feel that again. Being betrayed by the only person who understood what we go through, what we do.”
My heart stuttered slightly—I didn’t want this to be the end for us. But I’d understand why Brittney couldn’t give me her heart even if she wanted.
“So I’m only going to say this once.” She pulled away from me to be back at eye level. “I love you, and I will give you my heart. But please be gentle, I can’t pick up the pieces you broke again.”
I smiled before kissing her. The electricity coursing through my body, flowing into hers, and her current back to me, making our own spark.
“Baby, I could think of no other way to be with you.”