Chapter 17 #2
“Dad, can I be excused to go do this puzzle in the living room?”
“Of course,” I choke out, clearing my throat. “Do you need help?”
“No. Besides, you don’t know how.” And with that, she skips off with the box in her arms.
My mouth hangs open in disbelief, and Poppy covers her mouth in a chuckle.
“I’m sorry for laughing. It was just so funny how she said that.”
An involuntary grin forms on my face.
“Sage likes you,” I say, even though that’s the last thing I want to say.
Poppy bites her bottom lip, and her cheeks pinken. “I like her too. You raised a really great kid.”
I wince and don’t bother hiding the guilt in my face with her words. Poppy notices, tipping her head to the side in question.
I’ve never openly talked to anyone about the guilt that eats me alive.
I’ve never talked to anyone about how much it destroyed me when I lost baseball.
I’ve never let anyone see the side of me I want to show Poppy right now.
Not Tyler or Mitch. Not April. Not Clark.
Taking the seat that Sage was sitting in, I lean forward on the table, bracing myself for the vulnerability I’m about to share with her.
“I wasn’t always there,” I admit. “April did all of that. I was a shit dad who put my baseball career before my family. I just—”
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me,” she interrupts, reaching across the table and placing her small hand on top of mine. I don’t back away. Feeling her touch is all I want right now. “Whether you were there or not, she’s lucky to have you now.”
I swallow, letting the guilt settle in my gut. Letting the comforting words from Poppy ease the racing thoughts of how much I’ve fucked up in my past with Sage. But it also reminds me that the whole purpose of us being here is to fix that.
“Thank you for that, but there’s so much more to it.”
She’s silent this time.
“I know that you know I was the coach for the Major League team in San Francisco. The Staghorns.” She nods.
“Well, prior to that, I played. I was the starting pitcher, and our team was so close to a championship game. I’ve had the goal to make it since I was young.
I wanted all the titles. MVP. Rookie of the year.
Hall of Fame. Baseball was my entire life. ”
“Was?”
I huff a laugh. “I guess you can say it still is. But I was in a car accident.” I swallow, feeling more vulnerable than I ever have. “I ended up hurting my shoulder, and it was enough to end my baseball career.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“You’re killing me.” I groan while letting my head fall back.
She laughs, forcing my head to snap up. There it is. The sound I’ve been desperate to hear again.
I needed that.
“To be fair, that’s a valid answer when someone tells you about a thing that was taken from them,” Poppy says defensively. “While I do say sorry often out of fear of disappointing people, I feel this time was justified.”
I nod, wanting to dig deeper into the meaning of her words, but not wanting to pry.
“Well, you’re not the one who chose to get in the car with someone who definitely shouldn’t have been driving.”
Her eyes widen.
“Yeah, it’s not one of the most intelligent decisions I’ve made.”
The memory of the night creeps in every so often, like it is right now.
“I knew it wasn’t smart to get in the car with the guy. He was a good friend of my teammate, Mitch, and even he was skeptical. But the guy assured us he was fine. Standing steady on his feet, claimed only to have two beers and was good to drive us a few blocks home.”
“But he wasn’t fine.”
I shake my head. “He ran a red light, and another car slammed into the side of the car I was in. I knew then, with the pain radiating through my shoulder, that I was fucked. But it could have been a lot worse if the other car hadn’t tried to slam on their brakes before impact.”
“Dallas,” she whispers, unable to find the words as many people are when I tell them the story.
“Don’t say the words, Poppy.” I smirk, and her cheeks pink. “It’s actually the reason I’m here in Bluestone Lakes.”
“Huh?”
“After the accident, I continued playing for a little over a year. I hid the pain from trainers, my coach, my family, and my teammates. I was terrified of losing the game I grew up playing and loved. I was afraid to know life without it. After everyone found out, I was forced into early retirement. The game was over. Playing was no longer an option for me. I wasn’t ready to accept that yet, so when the opportunity arose to coach the same team I was forced to leave, I said yes without a second thought.
I wasn’t thinking about my family, Sage, or anyone else but me. ”
I swallow past the ball of emotions lodged in my throat. The memory strikes a nerve, and I fight to keep it in check because the last thing I want to show Poppy is that I’m a weak man.
“I jumped into that role without getting over my loss of the game. It only snowballed into all these feelings I couldn’t comprehend.
I was a shit coach. They deserved better than me.
I was an even shittier dad because I still wasn’t there for Sage when I should have been, because I still decided to put the game first. I—”
I stop myself there because I feel like I’ve said far too much. I didn’t beg for Poppy to stay and have breakfast with us for me to dump all my past trauma on her lap.
But weirdly, it feels good to get that out.
It feels good to have someone listen to me.
“On the night of the accident, I wasn’t thinking about anything other than a big game we had coming up when I got in the car, so my brain was in overdrive. Just as it was when I said yes to coaching the team. Hence why I’m here. To get out of the city and clear my head a little bit.”
“I can relate to that a little bit.”
“The big game?”
She blushes. “Total honesty here? I don’t know much about sports.”
“You wound me, Poppy Barlow,” I say with a hand to my chest.
She laughs again. “More so about the brain being in overdrive. Except mine is like that all the time.”
Leaning forward on the table, to bring myself as close as I can, despite the table between us. “Is it in overdrive right now?”
She bites down on her bottom lip and nods.
“I can relate to that.”
She cocks her head to the side. “How so?”
“Sitting here, with you, is sending my brain spinning, Poppy,” I admit. “You’ve been doing that since I first met you in the coffee shop. There’s something about you, and you’ve flooded every thought in my head since then.”
She swallows, eyes wide. “Since the coffee shop?”
I nod. “And every time I’ve seen you after that, it has only intensified.
Then, when I found out you were Sage’s teacher…
” I shake my head, reliving the memory and how shocked I was to see her sitting there.
“It should have forced the thoughts out of my head. Knowing I’m older than you should have stopped the thoughts.
Knowing that I’m not the man you deserve should have stopped them.
I’m working on controlling this impulsive behavior I seem to have, where I act before thinking things through.
But I can’t fucking stop with you. I know it’s wrong, but if it helps ease your racing thoughts, just know it’s driving me crazy, too. ”
“Dallas. You shouldn’t feel those things for me.”
“Why? Is it because of Sage and you being her teacher?”
She shakes her head, wringing her hands in her lap and nervously looking anywhere but at me. “Because I’m not who you think I am.”
“You’re not a criminal, Poppy.”
A light laugh bubbles out of her, and she finally looks at me again. “I wouldn’t be a teacher if I were. But I’m different from a lot of women you’ve been with.”
Her features soften with the last words out of her mouth.
I’d love nothing more for her to elaborate, but I fear I’ve said too much this morning and don’t want to push her into dumping her thoughts on me the same way I just did.
She sighs. “My brain works differently than most people, and sometimes it consumes my life.”
I don’t say anything and keep my features blank, letting her know she can continue if she’s comfortable to do so, or end it there.
“I…uh.” She pauses, looking down at her watch. “Should probably get going.”
I nod.
She’s holding back, and it’s understandable. I’m an outsider who doesn’t belong here.
Even though I just opened up parts of myself to her that I don’t allow others to see, I feel myself holding back, too. I don’t want to act quickly with her.
She’s different.
In a good way.
I know, deep down, I’m too reckless for her.
And the last person I want to be reckless with is Poppy.