Chapter 22
THIS NEW COMPANY YOU’VE BEEN KEEPING MUST BE RUBBING OFF ON YOU.
Poppy
“Would you believe me if I told you I’m still sore from playing baseball two nights ago?” Lily says, stretching her arms over her head.
“I believe it.” Blair laughs. “I’ve never seen you play as hard as you did. Nan had to keep reminding you that it wasn’t a real game, nor was it professional baseball. But you refused to listen.”
“I’m a very competitive person.”
“Like previously stated, it’s not even a real game.”
I can’t help but laugh with them, even though I wasn’t there.
It’s very on brand for Lily to treat it as if it were a professional game.
It feels good to hang out with Lily and Blair for a chill night in.
It’s been so long that I can’t even remember when it was just the three of us.
Tonight, Blair invited us over for dinner, where she was making Griffin’s signature dish—chicken parm.
“I think it’s cute that you’re all getting together for baseball nights at the barnyard now,” I say.
“Cute would be you coming.” Lily nudges my arm at my side.
“We do invite you every week,” Blair adds.
“You know that sports in any capacity aren’t my thing.”
Lily scoffs. “And you think they’re mine? I don’t have an athletic bone in my body, but it’s really nice to get out and have fun with everyone. You know, it’s not even a real game, or as bad as you think. Even Dallas takes it easy on us, being a professional baseball star and all.”
Turning my head away from both of them, I try to stuff down the tingling feeling in my stomach at them bringing up my neighbor. My very hot neighbor. My older neighbor, who kissed me a few days ago and tipped my world off its axis.
“Plus,” Lily continues, oblivious to my shift in thoughts, “it’s always a guaranteed fun night with Nan and Tucker going at it.”
“They fought over pretzel twists this week. I don’t understand how the General Store doesn’t know these two by now and just always keep stock of it,” Blair says.
Lily barks out a laugh. “I’m convinced they do it to fuck with the two of them. You know they’re laughing their asses off every time those two walk in fighting over pretzels.”
Blair points to Lily. “Okay, that I believe.”
“What I can’t believe is that you somehow convinced Griffin to play,” I add.
“No convincing was needed from me,” Blair says. “I’m pretty sure Tucker did all the work for us in that department. Apparently, he’s very persuasive.”
“Speaking of, where is he tonight?” I ask.
“He’s helping at the bar tonight.”
“During dinner hours?” Lily gasps with wide eyes.
“I’ve told you already, he’s a changed man.”
Prior to Griffin and Blair getting together, my brother was so grumpy that he refused to work at his own bar during the evening hours because the crowd always pissed him off. It was too busy for him, and he hated dealing with people.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Lily sighs. “It’s been such a nice change from the Grumpy Griffin we’ve been subjected to for years.”
“I agree.” I nod, turning to face Blair. “I think you’re what he needed all along to get out of his shell, and give up the whole everyone, leave me alone facade.”
Lily stands from the chair, palms resting on the table.
“You know what’s always driven me crazy about that and ends up putting me into protective little sister mode…
so many people think he was stupid for acting the way he did when Sierra left him for the city.
They find it hard to believe he would be that grumpy and go that long without a relationship because of one single girl.
” She huffs, letting herself fall back into the chair as if she’s said her peace.
“I know,” I say with conviction. “I hated that people talked about him like that, but they don’t know Griffin the way we always have.
When he loves, he loves hard and with every fiber of his being.
Sierra destroyed him.” I look to Blair again.
“Not to bring up his past and all, Blair. You know it all anyway.”
She nods. “I do, and I’d love to give that Sierra girl a piece of my mind, but also thank her for leaving him. While I hate that you all had to deal with his grumpy ass, I’ve never been happier and can’t fathom knowing this feeling with anyone else.”
Lily and I offer her a soft smile.
Their love is the type of love people dream of.
“I think when you believe you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone, and you have a plan in place for that, only for it to be destroyed, it really fucks with your head.”
Blair and Lily pause, looking at each other before looking at me with their lips parted.
“Did you just curse?” Blair asks.
I shrug. “I guess I did.”
“Wow,” Lily draws out. “This new company you’ve been keeping must be rubbing off on you.”
“What new company?” Blair asks in confusion, before her eyes widen with realization. “Are you talking about Dallas? Oh my god, are you hanging out with Dallas Westbrook?”
I shake my head, only half lying because we haven’t done any “hanging out.” “No, he just happens to be where I am sometimes.”
“Liar,” Lily coughs out as if to hide her accusation.
“I saw you two emerging from the hallway at Seven Stools seconds after one another last week. I’ve been wanting to pester you about it, but I’ve been a good girl and chose to wait.
” Lily sits up taller in her chair, crossing one leg over the other.
Blair laughs. “God, I love a good girl moment even if this isn’t the same context.”
“Please don’t bring up my brother at this moment,” Lily groans. “I’ve told you a million times that I’m happy for you, but I don’t need to hear it.”
“What’s a good girl moment?” The question leaves my mouth, and I want to take it back. They already know I’m a virgin, but I hate the judgment that comes from asking questions I should probably know the answer to.
“It’s mostly a thing in romance books, but when it happens in real life, it’s so hot,” Lily says, fanning her face.
“It happens mostly in the steamy scenes when the guy tells the girl that she’s being such a good girl,” Blair adds.
“Or when he’s telling her that she can take it. Good god.” Lily rolls her eyes.
My insides swirl at the way they both explain it, and I can’t help that my first thought is of Dallas when they say all these things. Does he talk like that in the bedroom?
Would he call me a good girl?
Oh my god, now I’m thinking about sex with Dallas.
“Your cheeks are fire engine red, Pop.” Lily bends over in laughter. “Are you thinking about Dallas calling you a good girl? I’ve told you once, but he would be the perfect guy to lose your virginity to.”
“Jesus, Lily. Way to get right to the point,” Blair says.
“I wasn’t thinking about it until two seconds ago,” I say, in an effort to defend myself.
Lily puts both hands in the air. “Wait. Wait. Wait. Is something really happening with you two? Now would be an excellent time to tell us what happened in that hallway.”
“Nothing happened in the hallway.” That’s not a lie. “But he did almost kiss me.”
“Did you want him to kiss you?” Blair asks.
I nod in response, but stay quiet.
“I think you should do it then.” Lily shrugs. “There’s no harm in it. And he’s Dallas. He’s hot.”
““Well,” I draw out, chewing on the inside of my cheek, and both of their eyes widen. “He sort of showed up at my house later that night. And then he kissed me.”
I keep my expression blank because I hate the way my brain fights me on things like this. I’ve spent so much damn time going back and forth between wanting it and reminding myself that I shouldn’t want it. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t freaking break.
When he’s not around, I tell myself I don’t want to feel these things.
It wasn’t until he had my chin in his hands, again, that I wanted him to kiss me.
And he did.
Oh my god, he did.
It was soft, warm, and electric. But also tender and slow.
Kissing Dallas opened a floodgate of emotions I didn’t know I had.
Time stood still in that moment, and for the first time in a long time, I felt good enough again.
I didn’t think of the future or how everything could end with my heart broken.
Getting lost in the feel of his lips on mine and welcoming the tingling in my stomach when his tongue swiped my bottom lip for me to open up for him.
It was everything.
“I want to scream in excitement for you, but by the look on your face, I’m not sure if I should hug you or jump up and down to celebrate,” Lily says.
Since opening up to Dallas about my struggles, there’s been a lightness in my chest. It’s different than talking to a professional about it the way I always have. There was something about the free feeling of it being out in the open with Dallas that makes me wonder how telling my sister would be.
Would she accept me the way I am?
Of course. It’s insane to think otherwise.
But why does it feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, worrying that she won’t understand, or worse, think I’m broken?
No, she’s not like that.
And so the raging war with logic continues.
“There’s something you should know,” I say out loud. My palms feel sweaty, and I brush them along my jeans to try to calm my nerves.
Lily’s face goes sheet white, and I can tell she’s also nervous for what I’m about to say.
She’s never seen that side of me because I don’t allow her or anyone else to.
They believe staying a virgin was a choice.
They think that I’m not going out or making plans because of my career, and only my career.
While a part of it is, it’s mostly my brain lying to me, and me believing it, over and over again.
And that’s exactly what’s happening now.
Maybe Lily will understand—or at least try to. And if she doesn’t, maybe saying it out loud will help me stop feeling so alone in this storm I can never seem to escape.
“There’s a reason all of this terrifies me, and it’s the same reason I’m still a virgin and don’t date.”
“Is it your job?” Blair asks.
“Poppy,” Lily says, leaning forward, resting a hand on top of mine. “Did someone hurt you?”
I shake my head and finally tell them what I’ve been keeping to myself for too long.
“A few years ago, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. It’s not the typical ‘I like my room clean’ kind of thing.
I have a few signature quirks like lining things up, making lists, and needing to keep everything in order, but sometimes I also have tiny voices in my head telling me I’m not enough, and my brain believing them.
I’ve developed a deep-rooted fear of relationships and allowing myself to get too close to someone because I worry they’ll leave.
I didn’t want to hurt myself, so I just never pursued anything. ”
“Oh, Poppy.” Lily sighs, wiping a tear from her eye.
“And I know you’re going to be upset that I never told you.
I feel silly even hiding it from you because you’re my sister.
I know deep down you would never judge me, but that voice in my head tells me everyone will.
The fear tangled web in my brain has never let me have the courage to open up.
But I can’t keep pretending I’m fine when I’m not. It’s exhausting.”
Lily’s features soften, and I know she understands. “I don’t know the first thing about what you’re going through, and I understand keeping this to yourself out of fear of what others may think.”
There’s a lot she’s never told me about what changed her after we graduated from high school, when one of Griffin’s best friends left the next day without a word. I’ll never push her for it, the same way she’s never pushed me, but we both have secrets.
One day, she’ll tell me hers when she’s ready.
“And you’re right. I always thought it was the keeping your room clean thing—which you always had the cleanest room in town.
” She smiles softly. “I didn’t know it was more than that.
My heart hurts that you’ve been silently dealing with this for so long.
I hate myself right now, though, because if I had known, I would have never cracked those virgin jokes with you or pushed you to bang your neighbor. ”
We both laugh at that. Lily makes her way over to me, wrapping me in her arms. “I’m sorry for not telling you.”
“I’m sorry you were scared to talk about it, but you will get zero judgment from me.”
Blair sniffles next to us. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be crying this much, but you’re so strong, Poppy. Dealing with the raging war in your head alone? I want to hug you, too.”
She joins us; a group hug with my two best friends. The two people who I know have my back and would understand me, even when fear tries to tell me otherwise.
My brain is a lying bitch.
Between telling Dallas and now these two, I believe that statement more and more.
It’s an amazing, yet strange, feeling when your brain is quiet. That constant buzzing in the background, the tension from always keeping a secret and pretending—it’s just gone.
It will never be completely gone, but it’s now noticeable enough.
I think this is what healing and moving forward is supposed to feel like.
I pull away from the hug, looking between Lily and Blair.
“All that being said, that’s why I’m spiraling over the kiss with Dallas.
Everything inside me is screaming that he’s not here to stay.
Things between him and me seem to get more intense every time I see him.
I don’t know what to do because I really do feel myself falling for him. ”
“I knew there was something there,” Blair says with conviction. “I think I’ve known from the night he first showed up at Seven Stools.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You mean that karaoke night?”
Blair nods. “I watched the way he looked at you when you first walked in. It was as if the entire bar emptied out in his head, and you were the only one there. The only one he had eyes on. I didn’t think anything of it because, well, you’re a catch, Poppy.
” She smiles widely. “But then, seeing him watch you a dozen times after, the look never left.”
I groan, falling back on my chair. “I don’t know what to do. One kiss and I’m ruined, it seems. If I see him again, and he kisses me the way he did last week, I’m done for.”
“What’s your biggest fear?” Lily asks.
I scoff. “That’s a loaded question.”
“Let me rephrase that…what’s your biggest fear when it comes to feeling something for Dallas?”
Everything.
That I’m not enough.
That I’m not like the other girls.
“He’s not planning to stay here. He’s only in Bluestone Lakes temporarily.”
“What if he decides to stay?”
I avert my gaze out the sliding glass doors that overlook the mountains. That’s one thought that’s never crossed my mind. I don’t know enough about his relationship with his ex-wife, or how him staying here would work with Sage. But what if he did stay?
“You never know.” Lily winks, leaving to bring her dish to the kitchen.
Can I allow myself to take that risk?