Chapter 40
BUT I CAN CONTROL THIS LIST.
Poppy
I’ve spent the last few days stuck in my own thoughts.
Immersing myself in the classroom on Friday didn’t help because Sage was missing. It was just another reminder that Dallas had left.
I miss Sage.
I miss Dallas.
I have no idea if it’s for good or just temporary.
I didn’t ask for more information, and I didn’t tell him to stay.
I picked up my phone at least a hundred times to send him a text to see how he was, what he’s up to, or if he’s coming back, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it once.
I was so fearful there would be a reply back telling me he and Sage aren’t coming back.
It’s a pain I’m not ready to deal with right now.
When my sister picked up on the fact that something was off with me, she put two and two together when she realized Dallas wasn’t in town anymore.
Now, I’m sitting outside of the barn at Barlow Ranch mid-afternoon with Lily and Blair, enjoying a glass of wine together. It’s been so long since I’ve been out here to enjoy the ranch that I didn’t know the peace this place brings was exactly what I needed.
“Talk to us,” Lily says.
I sigh. “I don’t know what’s going on right now. My mind is a mess.”
“We know, that’s why we’re here,” Blair says. “This is the best place for clearing your head of whatever mess it’s in. Plus, good friends and wine help, too.”
I can’t help but smile because she’s right.
While everything in my head might feel like a whirlwind at the moment, being here with my sister and best friend brings a sense of comfort for me to think things through.
“He asked me to tell him to stay.”
Both of them remain silent, letting me process what I want to say next.
“And I didn’t say anything. I’ve been replaying the moment over and over in my head since the door closed behind him.
I didn’t want to be the reason for any decision he has to make.
Part of me wishes I had asked him to stay, because I…
” I shake my head, averting my gaze to the mountains in the distance.
“You love him,” Blair finishes for me.
I don’t know what being in love feels like, but this has to be it.
The feeling of becoming so connected with another person, wanting to see them at any chance you can, and missing them when they’re gone.
I feel all of those things with Dallas Westbrook.
I feel those things with Sage, too. I’ve tried to deny it for so long because he had an expiration date here.
I’ve tried to stop my heart from feeling anything, but I couldn’t help it.
The fall was inevitable.
“I don’t know how to navigate this,” I manage to get out as emotions sit thick in my throat and tears threaten to break the surface. “Is that what you really think this is?”
“Oh, babe.” Blair sighs with a smile. “It most definitely is. I had the same questions when I was falling for your brother. He was the last thing I expected to happen to me, the same way you didn’t expect Dallas.”
She’s right.
I know she is, even if the voice on my shoulder, who’s always feeding me the negative thoughts, tries to tell me otherwise.
A bell chimes not far away, forcing us all to turn our heads to face Nan, who’s pulling up on her bicycle. She dings the bell on her handlebars with a smile on her face as she comes to a stop in front of us.
“Ahh. All my girls. I’ve been lookin’ for you three.”
“We’re escaping reality, Nan,” Lily says, sitting back deeper in her chair.
“Reality is overrated anyway.” Nan waves us off, taking a seat at the edge of the deck. “But what are we all trying to escape from? I want to join y’all.”
The three of us turn to face each other and start laughing.
“Oh, Nan,” Lily says, shaking her head. “You don’t need to worry about us.”
“I always worry about you three, Lily. And when I saw Dallas drive out of town, I knew I especially needed to worry about this one,” she says, hiking her thumb in my direction.
“Why?”
“I’m old, but I’m not blind. At least not yet.” She shrugs. “You two have something going on. There’s a visible chemistry between you two that no one can deny.”
My head hangs as I look down at the wine in my hands.
“He will be back,” she says with her chin held high, full of certainty.
“How do you know?”
“I have a feeling.”
I raise an eyebrow. “And you trust that?”
She points a finger in my direction. “If it’s one thing you should always trust, it’s your gut. It gives you all the answers you need.”
Lily barks out a laugh. “I don’t understand you most of the time.”
Nan swivels in her seat to fully face Lily. “What’s not to get? When something’s off, it will tell you. Let me tell you a quick story.”
“Oh boy,” Lily says under her breath.
“This one time, a friend of mine was giving off weird vibes. I knew something wasn’t right, but I just sat back and let it play out.
Later down the road, about a year later, her true colors shone.
Everything I was feeling was right. Then there was this other time, I took a young man into my home who wasn’t from here. Everyone around me thought I was nuts.”
“We still do,” Lily says. “But we love you for it.”
Nan smiles. “Anyway, I helped him get his feet off the ground. My gut didn’t raise any red flags. I knew it was the right thing to do, and guess what? I was right.” She points a finger in the air. “He never once stole from me or tried to kill me either.”
“I’m not sure my gut knows what to think, Nan,” I admit. “I’m sitting around, wondering what’s next, questioning everything. I mean, you’re right, I do feel something for him. It’s something I’ve never felt before, which scares the crap out of me.”
“I think you’re just going to need to keep yourself busy.” Nan smiles. “You like lists, right?” I nod. “So do that. Make yourself a list of all the things you want to do to keep yourself busy while you wait.”
“You sound like my therapist.”
“I may as well be one for the town and all the problems y’all keep having.” Nan laughs.
“Okay, ouch,” Lily says. “But valid.”
Maybe she’s got a point.
Nan stands from where she sits, straightening her back as if sitting for too long made her feel stiff. She releases a stretch and starts making her way to her bike. “Oh, and Poppy?”
“Yeah?”
“You should know that he didn’t turn in his keys before he left,” she says before mounting her bike. “So yeah, I got a feeling.” Nan winks, buzzes the bell on her handlebars once more, and rides off down the road.
My mouth hangs open as I watch her disappear.
Maybe I just have to keep myself busy to avoid my wandering thoughts.
Pacing my living room, I haven’t had it in me to take Nan’s advice and make myself a list. It’s not like me not to want to create one. I have lists all over the house of things I need to do, want to do, and items I need to buy from the store.
Lately, when I think of my lists, I think of the one Dallas has helped me with.
Everything seems to go back to Dallas.
I can’t look in the mirror anymore without thinking of the night he was here. I can’t look at my kitchen counter without remembering our moment there. I can’t focus on a puzzle without thinking about how he got me one.
Everything is him.
This isn’t just an attraction anymore.
It’s not just the way I can’t get him out of my head, or the way I’m replaying his voice in my head like a favorite song I can’t stop listening to.
It’s not about how he’s always finding ways to touch me by brushing hair away from my face.
It’s not the butterflies or fireworks I feel when he’s around.
Yes, it’s all of that, but it’s so much more.
It took him leaving for me to realize. How I miss the way he laughs at anything and everything. The way the sunlight catches his eyes makes me smile without even realizing I am.
The way I feel for Dallas Westbrook isn’t some casual feeling. It’s a deep, tangled in my ribs type of feeling. I’ve shown him the parts of me I’ve never shown anyone else, physically and mentally.
I crave him in a way one would crave their favorite dessert.
I want his peace, his chaos, his presence.
I now know what this feeling is.
This is grounding, the feeling of finding a home in a person. It’s the scariest feeling in the world, like standing on the edge of the tallest cliff, but knowing you’ll jump anyway because every part of you wants to.
It’s a feeling too big to contain.
The scariest part? I didn’t mean to feel these things for him, but I did.
I love him.
Tears threaten to break the surface at my realization. The unknowns of everything feel like they’re crashing down around me.
Picking up my phone, I decide to send him a text message.
I need to know what’s going on so I can relax even a little bit.
Hey. It’s me. Poppy. I was thinking about you and wanted to see how you were. Are you coming back?
I delete the text before I hit send, tossing my phone on the couch and plopping myself down next to it. I sit and stare at the fireplace in front of me, yet another thing that reminds me of Dallas.
“Get a grip, Poppy,” I say, picking up my phone to actually send a text this time.
Hey.
And then I put the phone face down on the coffee table.
I keep it short and sweet, the invitation to hear back from him, and then I grab a blank piece of paper and start a new list of things for myself.
1. Wipe down the back deck furniture
2. Buy paint for the DIY bathroom project
3.
I can’t think of a third one at the moment, so I move to stand at my back sliding door, noticing there’s still sun left in the day, and I decide now is the time to get started on everything. My brain is a mess, and I realize I cannot control this situation even if I wanted to.
But I can control this list.
Stuffing it in the back pocket of my jeans, I spend the next half hour wiping down all the furniture on my back deck as the sun creeps behind the mountains, and then order paint colors online for the bathroom project that’s been sitting on my saved tabs for months now.
Next, I clean up the living room mess by fluffing my throw pillows and folding the blanket over the back of the couch in its usual spot.
Checking my phone, there’s still no reply from Dallas.
My eyes land on the unopened baseball puzzle that Dallas surprised me with.
A smile touches my lips, even with the sting of my text message going unread, it still brings me a small bit of happiness, mostly because I haven’t touched a puzzle in what feels like weeks.
I’ve spent so much time wrapped up in Dallas, getting out of the house more, Sage, and teaching.
It’s forced me to do things outside of my old routine before him.
And I was really starting to like the new routine we fell into.
I turn on the soft light over my puzzle table and get to work on it.
As day turns to night, I have all the edges of the puzzle pieced together to form the outer piece of what will be a baseball field.
As soon as I stand to get myself a drink, headlights illuminate my living room for a brief moment, forcing me to look outside.
That’s when I see it.
The familiar Tahoe is sitting in the driveway next door.
I don’t move from my spot looking out the window.
I can’t move even if I try.
Watching through my window, I see Tucker emerge first from the passenger seat, opening the back door to let Sage out. My heart hammers in my chest when I see her. She’s smiling and skipping with Mr. Marshmallow in her arms.
It’s not until I see Dallas round the hood of the SUV that I release the breath I was holding. My body tenses, wondering if he’s going to come over here. He has his phone pressed to his ear and looks deep in conversation. He stares at my house, but doesn’t move to make his way over.
I feel my heart breaking little by little.
Was everything I felt one-sided?
No. There’s no way.
Watching as he makes his way to his front door, still on the phone, my shoulders sag. I should go over there. Is that crazy?
God, I feel crazy right now, but I need to see him.
I find myself pacing my living room, one arm wrapped around my waist, with my elbow resting on it as I chew on my thumbnail, thinking about what to do next.
I pull out the list I created earlier tonight, seeing what I’ve accomplished to keep my mind busy.
I check off the two boxes of the items I finished.
The third line still remains blank.
Pulling a pen from the kitchen drawer, I write down the last thing I want to accomplish tonight.
3. Tell Dallas how you feel.