Chapter Ten
Once Isla and Rory had loaded the dishwasher and finished the clearing up, they disappeared to their rooms, still energised by the change in surroundings.
Harriet was coming over tomorrow, and Rory was seeing Jacob in the afternoon.
Raf had unloaded the car while Cassie had been dozing in her room, and she thanked him, grateful she didn’t have to unpack the puzzle on her own.
Their stuff seemed to be spilling everywhere already, and he waved away her apology as she hung coats in the boot room and stood wellies upside down on their pegs outside the back door.
The sitting room beckoned, but she didn’t want to be indoors on their first evening, not with the sun slowly sliding west across the sky, the sweet scent of mown hay drifting in through the open door.
Tractors were still scuttling to and fro, gathering bales onto trailers and carting them away.
She stepped onto the terrace, and the roses, in full and glorious bloom, hit her senses at once.
Her eyes misted over with a pang of sorrow amongst the happiness, and she found a smile.
‘We miss you, Ewan,’ she whispered. ‘But we’re doing okay now. You’d be so proud of our children and how amazing they are.’
It felt like hello and goodbye all at once.
Wishing he were here, knowing he never could be.
Grief still shadowed their days sometimes, but it didn’t dominate in quite the way it once had.
They were all finding ways to live with the loss, and slowly, little by little, they were healing.
Cassie’s heart lifted as she watched swallows swoop and dive in the meadow, the bright flash of white against red throats and dark feathers.
Birdsong was cheery, the solidity of this house and its history at her back comforting as she touched a pink rose, its petals soft against her fingertips.
Moments like these were the reason she had begun her journals; she could hold on to this feeling, and she understood it would come again.
Contentment and joy were allowed, and the sensation settled inside her.
‘It’s a perfect evening. Fancy a drink out here?’
‘Oh, hi!’ She whirled around to see Raf leaning against the door. Flynn wandered outside and she slid an arm across his back.
‘You look…’ His gaze searched her face. ‘Happy.’
‘I feel it, like a bubble finally bursting free. I think it’s being here, this view, Flynn finding a perfect home.
’ Their smile was an understanding one, and she felt something loosen inside of her.
She hadn’t dared include Raf in her pleasure, even though she’d wanted to.
‘But let me fetch the drinks, you’ve done enough. ’
‘Tonight, you rest. I won’t be long.’
She wasn’t sure if Flynn would stay when Raf disappeared, but he followed her to the garden sofas clustered around a table and eased himself onto the grass with a grunt.
Raf was back a few minutes later, with a tray he set on the table.
She thanked him as she accepted another gin and tonic.
A dry one this time, he explained, served with lemon and Indian tonic water.
‘I could get used to this,’ Cassie said wistfully. ‘Drinks on the terrace in the sunshine, a friendly dog at my feet.’
‘So get used to it, at least for the next six weeks. Give yourself permission to enjoy it.’ He leant back, one ankle crossed over the opposite knee, arm lying across the top of the sofa facing hers.
She’d loved him for a long time as a dear friend, and she was glad their boundaries were back in place because she couldn’t allow herself to think of him in any other way.
She didn’t want to lose him in her life, or her children’s.
He was a part of their family, and she wanted that role to remain the same, to keep him as close as any old friend could be.
For Isla and Rory’s sake she needed things to be easy between them again.
‘Tomorrow it’s my turn to cook.’ She intended to focus on practical subjects. It was safer than allowing herself to fall into the way he was looking at her.
‘Well, we can talk about that,’ he replied, a smile playing around his beautiful mouth. She knew now what he could do with it; that was the problem. The thought had a wretched blush starting up on her cheeks.
‘Any plans?’
‘What?’ She quickly tried to recall his question.
‘Plans? For tomorrow?’
‘Oh! To see Fiona and Gordon and find out if they’re settling in as well as she says they are. You know what she’s like, she hates to trouble anyone.’
‘Yeah,’ he said drily. ‘Reminds me of someone else I know.’
‘Ha, ha. I’d love to explore the village again and visit the shop, too.
I love a village shop; they’re the best. People have time for each other, and they aren’t usually trying to elbow past everyone else.
Plus they sell all the goodies I never eat at home.
’ She paused. ‘Do you think it would be okay if I took Flynn with me when I walk? I’m used to walking Bramble and Briar, and I’ll be very careful with him, I promise. ’
‘I think he’d love that.’ Raf glanced at the snoozing dog, limbs extended on the grass. ‘He’s very good on the lead, and any extra walks are welcome, hey, Flynn?’ Flynn opened an eye and raised his head.
Now Cassie was looking forward to the morning even more, thankful she hadn’t booked the French camping trip. ‘So how does Hartfell compare to Norfolk? You’re closer to the village here.’
‘It just feels right. I love London and always will, but Norfolk taught me that I don’t want to live in the city twenty-four seven, especially now.
’ He watched Flynn’s legs twitching as he chased something in his dreams. ‘I’ve seen a lot of airports and cities in my time, and eventually they all start to feel the same.
I need space and room to breathe. I thought this house would be good for all of us because I believe we can be happy here, now Galloway has gone.
And we really need that, don’t you think? ’
‘But what about when… If…’ She didn’t want to put into words her fear of him falling in love with someone else, despite the happiness she hoped for him to find. But one day he would, and she’d wish him well and step away – there could be no other choice. ‘You meet someone you want to be with.’
‘I’m not looking for that, Cass.’ His gaze was open on hers and she wondered if she was imagining that it was telling her so much more.
‘Yeah, well, those things usually happen exactly when we’re not looking for them.’ She wanted him, longed for him. Would that feeling never go away? Was one kiss really going to define the rest of her life, because it simply wasn’t enough?
‘You believe that?’ He leant forward and put his glass down, hands loose between his thighs. ‘Because I do.’
‘I believe in doing the right thing,’ she said shakily.
She knew from Pippa’s messages that his sister despaired of Raf’s refusal to take advantage of the occasions when she had tried to bring him and Allegra together.
Pippa had railed to Cassie that her brother was a lost cause where commitment was concerned, and she doubted he would ever make a success of a stable, long-term partnership.
How would Pippa or Ewan’s parents ever accept such a man in Cassie’s life, when an eventual break-up would fracture the closeness they all depended on, especially Isla and Rory?
Desire and longing for someone she couldn’t have were temporary; her children’s happiness was not.
‘Define “right”.’
‘Not making the same mistake twice,’ she replied quickly. How was it that their words and their eyes could be holding two separate conversations?
‘And you think that what happened, what we did…?’ He tailed off as her hand shot in the air between them.
‘The only way I can deal with that is to never speak of it,’ she muttered. ‘Please, Raf, it’s over. Let’s not go there again. We agreed to forget.’
‘We did. I’m sorry.’ The shutters came down once again as he looked out across the gardens, before he turned back to her. ‘I wanted to run something by you. Nothing too personal.’
‘Oh?’ That was a relief.
‘Pippa’s friends with someone who helps run a local youth programme and they’ve asked me if I’d be interested in speaking with the group. Share my experience about life at their age. They’re similar to Isla and Rory.’
‘And what do you think?’ Cassie didn’t want to apply pressure if Raf felt it wasn’t for him and would expose parts of his life he preferred to keep private.
‘I’d like to do it, and I wondered what you thought?’
‘Truthfully, I think you would be amazing. You’re so good with our three, and they really respect what you say.’
‘For an old guy.’ They shared a grin, more natural this time.
‘Yes, even for an old guy.’
‘It’s not about the band and how I got into music.’ He rested a hand on his thigh, one finger tapping a beat. ‘I’m well aware I had a lucky break because of my dad. It’s more about… growing up when life doesn’t look how you hoped it would.’
‘And you’re okay with that?’
‘I think so.’ He nodded. ‘No, I am. What use is my experience if I keep it to myself? I guess it would be an extension of what I already do with Isla and Rory, but that’s easy, because I love them.’
‘Please don’t forget you worked very hard for your success and you’re an incredible musician,’ Cassie told him softly. ‘You earned it, no matter how it started. They wouldn’t have kept you on otherwise, and you brought the band a lot of new fans. And if I can help…’
‘Thanks, Cass, I appreciate you saying that. Just being here to hold my hand will help. Metaphorically speaking.’ Their eyes met before he smiled at Flynn gently snoring. ‘So tell me how you are now you’ve walked away from your career?’