Chapter Sixteen #3
She thought of the pool earlier, and how she’d wanted to join him in the water, to press herself against his wet and nearly naked body.
Already her resolve to be careful around him was weakening.
She couldn’t help but recall the kiss they had shared in Australia and how he’d held her close on his birthday in the kitchen with barely even a touch, just the heat of his words and his stare.
She twirled her glass between trembling fingers, afraid he could read her desire for him laid bare.
‘It’s ready.’ Raf gathered a few scraps and dropped them into a bin. ‘Shall we eat on the terrace? It’s perfect out there now.’
‘I’d love to.’ Cassie leapt up from her stool, almost knocking it over in her distraction.
He directed her to the appropriate drawer for cutlery and soon they were sat beneath the passionflower vines clambering amongst the pergola.
A breeze was faint but welcome, and in the distance she glimpsed the tall spire of the church and rooftops in the town below, the deep blue of the sea rippling beyond the harbour.
Along with the salad, there was fresh crusty bread, olive oil in a jar without a label that he explained came from a neighbour, cured ham and roasted vegetables.
She was ravenous, and they finished everything, including the chilled bottle of Albarino he’d opened after cocktails.
As the evening moved on and darkness fell, they moved to the sofas.
Conversation became easier and they were laughing and teasing one another about a story from long ago.
Her phone pinged with a message notification, and she saw it was from Jas. She slid the phone across to show him. ‘I don’t think anyone’s missing me. My mother’s taken the kids out on a friend’s boat and they’re obviously having a fabulous time.’
‘Rory looks so happy.’ Raf scrolled through the images before returning her phone. ‘You’re not missing them too badly?’
‘Not as much as I expected. I know they’re in great hands with Jas, and my mother’s not entirely without sense.
’ Cassie gestured to the terrace, the pool and the view.
‘Maybe it’s being here. Holidays always feel like leaving real life behind.
’ She paused, blinking back a moment of sorrow.
‘It feels strange, if I’m honest, to realise I’m becoming more redundant in their lives now they’re growing up, especially after everything… ’
‘Hey.’ His hand covered hers. ‘Look at me.’
She almost didn’t dare for fear of what she’d find.
His gaze was full of compassion and something else, something dangerous she’d seen before.
She squeezed her eyes together to prevent a tear from escaping.
There had been so many, but sometimes they still caught her unawares, often in moments that she recognised were happy ones, too.
‘You’re doing so great and the kids are amazing. You’ve come such a long way.’
‘Thank you for saying that. It still takes my breath away sometimes, when I remember this is the rest of our lives, and Ewan isn’t coming back.’
‘I know, I get it. It was years before I finally accepted my mum was really gone.’
‘I’m sorry.’ She threaded her fingers between his and squeezed, wanting him to understand she was mindful of his own loss, too. That it wasn’t all about her.
‘It’s okay, we all have to do what we can to carry on. I think Pippa and Fiona were right about you coming here. I want you to be happy.’
‘I am, really.’ She slid her hand away. It was the truth, and she was gradually learning to accept it. ‘I just need some time to adjust to not being a mum twenty-four seven. I think I’ll head to bed. Sorry, do you mind if I clear up in the morning? The wine’s really caught up with me.’
‘No, you go.’ Raf stood and she waited to see if he would come around the table to kiss her good night.
Once, she would’ve hugged him, an ordinary gesture between friends, and she glimpsed the same thought lingering in his gaze before she made herself walk away.
Being so close to him when they were completely alone here would be a step too far.
Danger lurked in every single look, every accidental touch.
‘Night, Cass,’ he murmured. ‘Sleep well.’
‘You too.’
In her room she freshened up and changed, still restless after she’d got into bed.
Sleep was something that came and went now, and she’d tried most things to help.
When she did wake in the night she’d learnt not to fight it, but to accept the wakefulness and understand that sleep would eventually come again.
Usually she wrote in her journal, and in the morning she’d wonder at the thoughts she’d recorded, the worries her mind seemed to find in the hours of darkness.
She dozed off and woke later with a start, her lamp still bright and the book in her hand.
She set it aside and got up, opening the doors onto the patio, the white muslin curtains wafting gently.
Stars glittered above her, a pale moon reflected in the pool.
She walked towards it, the night air cooling her warm body, and halted abruptly when she saw Raf sitting on the terrace.
His head was bent over an acoustic guitar, fingers finding the chords as he played.
Cassie wanted to back away, to leave him to his solitude and respect his privacy.
But the words and music drifting on the darkness formed a song, and she froze.
It seemed as though his heart was laid bare as he sang of a love he had to leave time and again, the lyrics and the tune piercing her soul. When it ended, he looked up.
‘I didn’t know you were there.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she blurted out. ‘I wanted some air. I didn’t mean to disturb you.’ She hesitated. ‘You sounded incredible. Did you write it?’
She didn’t need his brief nod; she’d known it already. ‘I was just playing around. Couldn’t sleep.’
‘I love it, because you wrote it.’ Her feet were walking her towards him as though she had no control over where they might step. ‘It was beautiful.’
Shoulders hunched over the guitar, his arms resting on it, Raf’s stare was fixed on her, lit by a faint glow from the kitchen. She crouched down and took his hands.
‘Please tell me you’re not writing songs like that and still hiding them away?’
‘What else am I meant to do?’
‘Share them,’ Cassie told him simply. ‘Let other people listen and understand what an incredible musician you are. You earned your place, Raf, you’re brilliant. I hope you know it.’
‘And what if no one else thinks that?’ His laugh was a brief one. ‘Half my life I’ve got by on how I look and who my dad is. Being at the back on the drums was my safe place.’
‘At heart you’re a musician, and I don’t think I truly realised that until just now. You have a wonderful voice and so much to say. Please don’t forget that.’
‘Maybe one day I’ll believe in myself as much as you do.’
He freed her hand to cup her face, pulling her into his gaze and the promise she found there. He stood and tugged her upright, until she was between his legs. She was poised for Raf to make the first move, one she needed to give her confidence and let her know this would be okay.
‘You should go back to bed,’ he muttered. He let go and stepped past her, shattering the spell.
‘Is that what you want?’ she whispered.
At the door he turned, his face revealed by the moonlight. ‘You know it’s not. But I need you to be as sure as I am, to feel what I feel. I understand it’s different for you, and I don’t want any more regrets if we do this.’