Chapter 10
10
Elise paced the floor in the living room, her heart racing. The truth was, it hadn’t stopped racing since the night before when Ronan had gotten the call from Declan.
She’d wanted to go with Ronan to the mountain house, to be there for Finn, but Ronan had insisted she stay in the city. There was work to do, and Finn wouldn’t want Elise there for that work.
Trust me, Ronan had said, looking into her eyes.
So she had. She’d stayed in Boston, sitting on the couch with Julia through a sleepless night that reminded her of the days immediately after her rescue from Manifest, when nightmares had forced Elise awake in a cold sweat, her heart hammering so violently against her chest she was afraid it would beat right out of her.
She’d finally given up on sleeping when sunlight started leaking into the house. She’d taken a shower and carried her coffee to the courtyard as the sun rose higher in the sky, trying to center herself. For Finn. Trying to create a place of calm like her therapist had taught her, a place from which she would react calmly.
Finn was going to need that, was going to need her, even if he didn’t know it yet.
“They’re ten minutes out,” Julia said, entering the living room with JT on her hip.
Elise exhaled her relief. Morning had turned to afternoon and afternoon had turned to evening. It had been one of the longest days of her life.
She just wanted Finn home.
JT held out a chubby hand toward Elise. “Aunt Leese!”
She lifted his hand to her mouth and kissed his fleshy knuckles.
Julia walked to the kitchen and set him up in his highchair with some sliced strawberries, which he attacked with glee.
“You going to be okay?” Julia asked when she returned to the living room.
Elise nodded.
“Just… give him space when he comes in,” Julia said. “We have no way of knowing how he’s going to process all of this. Let him show you what he needs.”
Elise took another deep, calming breath. “I will.”
The details were fuzzy, but what they knew was that Eudorus was dead, that Finn had lost control and killed him. It was all Elise needed to know that Finn was going to be in a bad place. His hatred for Eudorus had burned brighter and brighter during the weeks he’d been captive in the mountain house, but Finn wasn’t a killer.
Shooting one of the men who’d picked up the sample from Doctor Osman had haunted Finn for weeks, and that man had been shooting at him, at Ronan. It had been a kill or be killed situation, and still Finn had struggled to reconcile the taking of a life.
How would he manage now, when he’d taken one in cold blood?
Julia hugged her. “He’ll be okay. It will take time, but he’ll be okay.”
Elise nodded. She could only hope Julia was right.
She made herself sit until she heard the courtyard gate open, then had to force herself not to run out to greet Finn.
Calm. Centered. That’s what she would be for Finn.
The kitchen door opened and Elise was struck by the silence. Usually when Finn and his brothers returned home, their arrival was accompanied by the sound of their deep voices, their laughter, the slightly insulting banter that was part and parcel of most sibling relationships.
The door closed and Elise stood, turning to face Finn as he walked into the room.
She almost flinched at the sight of him. She didn’t know what she’d expected. Signs of distress? Guilt? Even resolve had entered her mind. Maybe Finn would have reconciled what he’d done by the time they arrived home.
Anything except for the blankness of his expression, the hollowness in his eyes that made her feel like she was looking down a long empty hallway.
“Hey,” Julia said, walking to meet Ronan.
Elise assumed Nick had gone straight to the new house — he and Alexa had started moving in a couple days before — and Declan had gone home to Kate in Marblehead.
Ronan folded Julia into his arms. “Hey, baby.”
He looked bone tired, no surprise given the fact that he’d left the city the night before, tended to what was one hell of a crisis, and then driven back less than twenty-four hours later.
Finn met Elise’s eyes and she walked toward him, slipping her arms around his waist and resting her cheek against his chest.
“I’m glad you’re back.” It was the only thing she could think to say, the only thing that was both true and not potentially a landmine for Finn.
She hoped.
“Me too.” His voice was flat, and he gently extricated himself from her arms. “I need a shower.”
She nodded. “Are you hungry? Can I get you anything?”
He shook his head and started for the hall leading to the rest of the house.
Elise watched him go and waited for the sound of the door closing to turn to Ronan. “How is he?”
Ronan ran a hand over his head. “You tell me. He’s… like that. Quiet.”
“What can I do?” Elise asked.
Ronan shook his head. “Just be there. There’s nothing else to be done.”
She nodded. “Thanks for taking care of him and… everything.”
She wasn’t ready to talk about what they’d done at the mountain house. She knew it must have involved disposing of Eudorus’ body, cleaning up what had become a crime scene in the garage.
It made Elise feel dirty, like a criminal herself, which she was, she guessed, for standing by while all of this happened.
The ridiculousness of it wasn’t lost on her. She’d been complicit in MIS’ crimes for a long time, since they’d rescued her from the boat in Greece. Men had died then too, but they’d been the men who had kept her prisoner, the men who had hurt her, who had tried to sell her.
There had been other cases since then. Other people dead at the hands of the Murphys. But those deaths had felt distant somehow, unrelated to her.
This felt different. She just didn’t know why. Eudorus was every bit as evil as anyone that MIS had been contracted to kill, and there was no doubt in Elise’s mind that he would have evaded justice forever given the power behind him.
She shook her head. There would be time to think about all of that later.
Right now, Finn was all that mattered. He’d been there for her as she healed from her trauma. She would do the same for him, even if he isn’t willing to acknowledge what had happened as trauma.
“I’m going to check on him,” Elise said.
“Let us know if you need anything,” Julia said.
Elise headed for the hall, using the time to brace herself for whatever came next.
Finn was still in the shower when she got back to their suite of rooms. She sat on the sofa and waited, dread constricting her chest like a vise.
She’d spent two years learning — with varying degrees of success — to manage her own trauma. Now Finn’s trauma was dovetailing with her own. She hoped she was strong enough to truly help him.
She took a deep breath for a count of four seconds, held it for four seconds, and exhaled for four seconds.
The water turned off in the bathroom, followed by the sound of drawers opening and closing in the bedroom. A few minutes later, Finn entered the small living area they used when they weren’t hanging out with the rest of the family in the great room.
He was wearing gray sweatpants and a long-sleeve black T-shirt, his feet bare.
“Feel better?” she asked.
He nodded and sat next to her. He stared at his hands.
She reached out and touched his back. “We don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready, but we can if you want.”
He didn’t look at her. “I don’t know what happened.”
She didn’t say anything. Platitudes and cliches wouldn’t help, and she couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t sound like one of those things.
“I…” He swallowed and looked at her and the anguish in his eyes almost stole her breath. “I killed him, El. He was talking about Fedir and Iryna and I… I killed him.”
She nodded and reached for one of his battered hands.
He pulled her to him and wrapped her in his arms.
She held him tight as sobs wracked his body. “I killed him… I killed him…”
“Shhhh… it’s okay.” She stroked his back. “It’s okay.”
It wasn’t. None of this was okay. What had happened to her wasn’t okay. What had happened to Fedir and Iryna wasn’t okay. What Finn and his brothers had done wasn’t okay.
But it was done. It was all done.
And that meant that somehow, they had to make it okay. What else was there to do?