Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
JENSEN
I’m torn on how to feel, sitting next to my best friend like things have never changed between us. He feels so warm and familiar, like home, but dulling those good feelings is the ten years of distance between us that were allowed to grow and fester in my mind.
In all those years, no matter how busy my schedule was, I never forgot about him.
Like I was carrying this part of Barrett with me everywhere I went, and now that I’m here, the time capsule of our memories cracked open in front of me, I don’t know how to put all the pieces back together.
“How long are you here for?” he asks after a minute. He’s always had this slightly gravelly rasp to his voice that I went through a period of trying to imitate. Turns out, I didn’t think it was cool; I thought it was hot.
“Supposed to fly out Wednesday.”
He glances up in surprise, one little strand of hair flicking forward over his forehead.
His black hair is longer than he ever used to wear it, and I like it this way.
Barrett has grown up. Filled in those shoulders.
Caught up with the maturity in his deep brown eyes, grown a small amount of stubble.
I’m definitely not checking out my ex-best friend, but he’s gotten hot.
If he’d been my hockey coach in high school, there’s no way I would have gotten through a single drill.
“Thought you’d be staying for longer,” he mutters.
“I think I will.”
Hope flares to life in his expression, and it’s that moment where I’m sure he feels it too. This … possibility between us. An actual shot at maybe having what we had before. “How long?”
“Well, like you said, Kasen’s not expecting me to hang around. I have all summer, so maybe I go from there and then …”
“That’s a good start.”
“I hope so.” I almost spill over to the thoughts of Kasen and what if he hates me forever and how the hell do I fix this, when I remind myself where I am.
Here, at the river, those thoughts aren’t allowed to touch me.
“Thanks for bringing me here. It helps.”
“I know. I still come here all the time.”
“Oh yeah?” I’m not sure I want the answers, but I ask anyway. “What do you come here to escape?”
Barrett gives me a sad smile, and I hate it.
The architecture of his face is built for happiness.
Everything from the easy curl to his lips to how his eyes take on a life of their own.
I know I’m the grumpy one. The more introspective one.
I always have been. My face was made for scowling, and it comes in so handy as an enforcer, but Barrett has this way of making it relax.
“Myself,” he finally says. The word is heavy.
“Why?”
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Hawke. I’ve held on to regret for longer than I ever wanted to. I’ve had nasty thoughts and angry impulses, and sometimes I think I’ve been made to only make the wrong choices in life.”
“What—”
“I know that’s not true. Life gets me down sometimes, even though it’s the one I picked for myself.
Thankfully, these days, it happens a lot less.
It’s why I don’t entertain the what-ifs or dwell too long on how I could have made changes or where I went wrong.
I have my dad and my job, and we’re genuinely happy. ”
“I just wish—”
“Don’t.”
But I have to get this out. “Let me say this one thing, and we won’t bring it up again.
I understand why you didn’t tell me about your dad.
I get it. I … well, the anger will take a while to let go of, but it’s not so much anger at you as anger at …
losing you, I guess. It … sucks. I wanted to be there for you.
I hate that I wasn’t. And maybe if Carly had told me about Kasen, I would have stayed.
I would have been here to help you through.
Or if you’d told me about your dad, maybe I would have met Kasen sooner.
I know you don’t like all the what-ifs, but at some point, I have to wonder if everyone kept things from me because I’m, well, me.
I was never the easiest guy to get to know.
I mean, Carly used to get so mad that I was always with you.
Should I have spent more time with her? Should I have given you more space? ”
Barrett’s already shaking his head. “If you’d given me space, then I would have been the one mad at you.”
“Are you sure I wasn’t smothering you?”
He hesitates, not looking at all as shit as I feel.
“If I’m remembering correctly, I’d turn up at your place as much as you’d turn up at mine.
I …” He screws up his face. “If I’m honest—and I feel terrible about it now—sometimes I’d even show up when I knew you had plans with Carly. So you’d cancel them.”
My mouth drops. “You sneaky little asshole. I never knew.”
“Of course you didn’t. I’d gotten the casual so invite her thing down pat, knowing that you never would. For some reason, you hated us hanging out together and were always weird when we did. It was like you thought I was going to steal your girlfriend.”
“Or … like I knew she’d immediately pick up on how I’d check you out.”
Barrett falls back against the car with a groan. “How did I miss that?”
“How did I miss that you were meddling in my relationship? Some best friend you were.”
He shrugs and tucks his hands behind his head. “I was jealous. We’d been each other’s number one for so long that I wanted to make sure that never changed. I wanted her to know it too.”
Considering how long it’s been, I miss him as much as I did back then. A whole day without seeing him would lead to us texting all night. I can’t even remember it being anything important.
“I was a shithead,” he whispers. “She wasn’t a bad person.
She didn’t deserve what happened to her, and Kasen didn’t deserve to grow up without you.
And I know that if you had found out back then, I …
” He has to take a moment to find the words.
“I would have been such an asshole about it. I would have hated her. Maybe Kasen too.” He turns to me with a lazy smile.
“It was painful to let you go, but I think it was the best thing for me. If I’d have heard you so much as mention one of your teammates, I’d have probably gone nuclear. ”
I pause at that. “But we always had other friends. That was never an issue.”
“Because I knew that you didn’t like any of them as much as me.”
I let those heavy words sink in. Truthfully, he’s right. No one, not even Carly, came close to what we were. In hindsight, it was probably unhealthy and codependent. Maybe he’s right that the time apart was good—for us both—but it was a lot of suffering, and I don’t think it was worth it.
“This is getting heavy.”
“Yeah, but it needs to be said.”
It does. I can feel the way it’s easing something in my chest. Something that’s been in knots for far too long, and the relief of letting go, even a fraction, is immense.
“Want to go for a swim?”
“Sure.” Barrett peels himself up off the hood and jumps down. He reaches for the hem of his shirt before he pauses and cuts me a look. “You’re not going to lick my nipple, are you?”
That pulls a laugh from me. I strip my shirt off and jump down too. “Like you’d be that lucky.”
I keep my eyes focused away from him as we both shed clothes until we’re standing there in our underwear. It’s a warm day, but in the shade of the trees, fat goose bumps are popping up over my chest and arms.
Barrett heads for the water, and I train my eyes on the trees on the other side of the river as I follow him. There is absolutely no reason for me to catalogue all the ways his ass has changed.
It’s a relief when we’re both in the water, covered to our necks, drifting slowly downstream before swimming back up again.
“You know,” I say, after doing it for the fifth time. “If I come here and do this all summer, I’ll be ready for the season in no time.”
“It’s not exactly a workout.”
Says him. I’m fit, and I work hard in the gym and while I play, but swimming against the tide isn’t something I’ve done since the last time we were here. I stick to my pool at home, which isn’t exactly a challenge.
We get back in line with the car, and I move closer to shore, where I can sit in the shallows and let the water flow around me.
Barrett goes again, and again, swimming up and down like a fish, and it brings back memories of him playing around out here. Tossing the girls toward the deeper middle, dragging the guys under, popping up and disappearing all around, while the rest of us were trying to chill.
Finally, he gets tired of riding the river and swims over to sit next to me. The water is up to our chests, light playing off it and onto his face.
“I needed this,” he says happily.
“Me too. Since landing, it feels like I’ve been unraveling. And my hangover is finally gone.”
“You were wrecked last night.”
“I know. Sorry you had to deal with that.”
“Me too.” His voice is tinged with amusement. “I was so fucking tired today. And getting you out of that place wasn’t exactly fun. You might be banned, by the way. I’ll have to text Derry.”
“Don’t bother. I’m never drinking again.”
“We both know that’s a lie.”
I’d argue the point, but he’s probably right. How many times have Lachie and I uttered those same words to each other?
Silence, the peaceful kind, fills the space all around us. Even when I was younger, I’d notice how it felt like this sometimes. Barrett’s presence calms something unnamable inside me.
“When did you get your nose pierced?” he asks.
I reach up to run my finger over the thin hoop. “A couple of years ago now.”
“I’ve never noticed it before.”
“I take it out while I play.”
He nods, like that makes sense.
“Do you, uh, watch me? Sometimes?”
Barrett’s brown eyes find mine. “I’ve never missed a game.”
“Even—”
“Never. If I was working, I’d watch it back later. The first few years, fuck, I hated seeing you out there. I was so jealous and mad, it really hurt. Now, I’m just proud of you. You did it.” He huffs a laugh. “Like I always knew you would.”
“It’s funny that you can be proud of me after everything you’ve done. Ben’s lucky to have you.”
“I’m lucky to have him.”
“That’s true too.” All my memories of Ben are filled with car trips and backyard soccer and treating us to ice cream after a win.
Barrett glances up, drawing my attention to sunset kicking in, reds and oranges lighting up the sky. “We should probably head off.”
Do we have to almost leaves my mouth before I stop it. Of course we have to. I’ve taken up his entire day, and I bet once I get back to the car, I’ll have a screenful of missed calls and texts from my parents.
I don’t get a chance to answer him when Barrett suddenly pushes to his feet.
Water streams from his underwear down both legs, and when I follow it upward …
the thin material is molded around his cock in a way that makes my mouth dry.
I’m still sitting, so it’s in my direct line of sight, and I need to stop looking, but fuck me.
Heat washes through me, making my face boil, and it would be easier if I stood up, but then he’ll see something I really don’t want him to witness.
Two fingers press to the bottom of my chin and ease my mouth closed. “You’ll catch a fly,” Barrett murmurs in that sexy rasp of a voice.
He leaves the water with a laugh, long strides casual, confident, and this time, I can’t help myself. My gaze snags on his broad shoulders and follows them down to his tapered waist.
And a very round ass.
I have to dunk my head back under the water to cool off.