15. So Not Fine
”Watch what you”re doing!”I toss my hands up as I yell. I mean, who just cuts across three whole lanes of traffic, with no turn signal, and with no regard for how close they come to someone”s front bumper. The man slows when he gets into the left turn lane, and I glare at him as I drive by, hoping my mean face will scare him into becoming a better driver from here on. But he doesn”t even look at me, so all my effort is for nothing.
”I knew it! Lily!”
”Knew what?”
”You”re driving!” Em sounds indignant, and sure enough, when I look at her, her cheeks are pink. ”You told me you were sitting in your car.”
”I am sitting in my car. It just happens to be moving while I”m sitting in it. Look, Coach called this stupid practice for six in the morning, and I was worried I”d fall asleep behind the wheel if I didn”t have you to keep me awake, okay? You know I”m not a morning person. Why should I wake up before the sun does? I don”t know how you do this every day. ” As I turn onto Stadium Boulevard, I look around. This is the darkest I”ve ever seen this street. There are some office buildings, but most of the businesses here are restaurants and a few pubs. They don”t open until ten, so they”re never lit when I drive by in the mornings, but somehow they”re extra dark at five-thirty. And these streetlights are spaced way too far apart, Ms. City Planner. If it were possible for an area to be bathed in darkness, it would look just like this.
”You could have just called instead of FaceTiming me. I”m hanging up so you can concentrate on not dying in an accident that I would then spend the rest of my life partially blaming myself for. Although I would reserve most of the blame for you and would only bring flowers and decorations to your grave on major holidays instead of every week.”
”Aww, you”ve planned how often you”re going to visit my grave? You”re the sweetest friend I could ever ask for.”
Em growls, but she doesn”t make a move to hang up. ”Stop trying to kiss up.”
”Look, I”m almost there anyway. Just thirty more seconds, and I”ll be parked safely. Plus, I miss seeing you. I”m allowed to miss you, aren”t I?”
”Then come back to Denver!” She sounds exasperated. ”We could see each other every day if you wanted. We could go every week to that Chinese place. I know you”re missing them. Probably more than you miss me.” She screws her face up into a pout and sniffs.
Just thinking about that restaurant makes my mouth water. ”I could eat that chilled tofu seven times a day and never get tired of it.”
”See? Then come back. You don”t have to prove anything to anyone.”
My whole life—or at least since I transitioned at thirteen—has been spent trying to prove myself. First to Mom and Dad. Well, Mom. Dad came easy. Then to the psychiatrists and doctors and the schools and all my classmates. The rest of my family. Mom and Dad”s friends. Our neighbors. Everyone. For every single day of my life. Everyone except Em and Dad. They”re the only people who accepted me for who I am. And did I ever show either of them how grateful I was for that? That”s why I have to prove it to Dad now. Even though he”s gone. Maybe he”s not even seeing this, but it”s literally the least I can do for him.
”You know I love you, right?” I look at Em, and she nods. ”More than anyone now. I”m sorry I never tell you—” My head snaps forward, and then I hear the crunch of metal. It”s like my brain needed a couple of seconds to catch up and process the sound. When I lift my head, though, my brain processes what I see right away. It makes my heart stop. ”Oh no. Oh no, oh no.”
”Lily?” I barely hear Em”s voice through the roaring in my ears. ”Lily? Are you alright? Hello? I”m hanging up and calling 911. Fuck, I don”t know where you are.”
I shake my head when I register what she”s saying. ”Stop. I”m fine. I swear. Fine. But I need to go. Okay? Okay, I need to go. I”m fine. Just fine.” I smile for her as I press the red button to disconnect us. I am so not fine. So not fine at all.