47. If Im Going To Die From A Panic Attack, I Want To Do It In Peace
The shutteringof the plane jerks me awake, and I see Chloe”s hand gripped tight on the armrest. ”Hey.” I nudge her arm with my elbow. ”You alright?”
”Mm-hmm.” She gives an almost imperceptible nod, but her jaw stays tight.
I try to slide my hand into hers, but she”s holding the armrest with more strength than a bear. ”Bumps like this are normal, but you should have woken me up.” I settle for resting my hand on top of hers. It”s quivering.
She looks at me with wide eyes. ”I don”t know how you could sleep. It”s been doing this forever.”
”Honey, it”s fine. I promise. It”s just like being on a bumpy road.”
Her stare turns into a glare. ”You can”t fall thirty-thousand feet on a bumpy road. I wish Silver could have come too. He would understand.”
I hold my hand in front of her. ”Come on.”
She looks around us and then shakes her head. ”I”m not holding your hand. That”s embarrassing,” she hisses.
I look around too. The first-class section of the flight isn”t full, and with the higher backs and side panels on the seats, we can hardly see anyone else. Across the aisle, Brant is still asleep. He”s the most experienced flyer of all of us, so of course a few bumps wouldn”t wake him. ”It”s not embarrassing. Especially when no one can see you.” She glances down at my hand, but then crosses her arms. Okay, so much for that. ”It”s not the flight that has me scared,” I whisper.
Brant has assured me his parents are not demons capable of devouring my soul with just a glance, but for the amount of fear they inspire in me, they might as well be. I look at my watch. I”ll meet them in just about an hour. One hour until my dread turns into reality.
Maybe not.A weak voice in my brain dares to be hopeful. You thought the worst when Brant was hurt, but look how that turned out.
When Brant didn”t pop right up after the whistle blew, I knew he was injured. From the way that Minnesota player fell on him, I suspected it was his knee. It felt like my lungs were bursting as I ran through the tunnels to get to him. When I finally did, I tried my best to hide how scared I was, but my whole body was shaking. It didn’t stop until the radiology tech brought him back to me after his MRI. I wanted to jump into his lap right there in the wheelchair, run my hands through his sweat-soaked hair, and never leave him again. I didn”t until I went to work two days later. I don”t think I even let go of his hand until the surgeon told us the next day that he didn”t have any structural damage. I nearly collapsed with relief when she told us that.
Brant wakes when the pilot announces we”re beginning the descent into Toronto Pearson Airport. Normally, when he smiles the way he is now, I can”t help but match him. But right now, I”m as terrified as Chloe.
”I can”t believe you”re nervous,” he leans across the aisle to reach for my hand as soon as the flight attendant passes by. ”They already love you.”
”They haven”t met me.”
”Exactly.” He reaches for my hand, but I pull it away. ”I”ve told them all about you. Hell, sometimes when I talk to them, you”re the only thing we talk about. Once they actually meet you, they”ll kick me out of the family and adopt you instead.”
”I don”t have the best track record with people.”
Brant shakes his head. ”Name one person who doesn”t like you.”
”My mom,” I say without thinking. Brant”s eyes flash over my shoulder to Chloe, and I follow his gaze. Her eyes are closed, and she has her AirPods in, an early Christmas present from Brant. ”Everyone from eighth grade on.” Fourteen years later, I can still hear the cruel things parents and some of the other students said to me. I was just a thirteen-year-old girl who wanted to use the correct restroom and have people call me by my real name. But people acted like I was carrying some disease that would destroy the community. Dad never backed down, though, even when I was too scared to stand up for myself. Who is there to do that for me now that he”s gone? Em? She”ll always be there for me, but she has her own fights that need her attention.
”Those people don”t matter, Lily. Everyone who matters adores you. Emory, all the boys, Elijah, Coach. Everyone who works in the arena. I can”t even remember their names after all these years, and I”ve tried. But you know them all. They all glow whenever they run into you in the tunnels.”
None of those people are my boyfriend”s parents.
”Brant”s right,” Chloe says. ”Fuck those people from the past. I don”t know anyone who doesn”t like you.”
I whip around to her. ”Watch your language! I thought you were listening to music?”
She opens her eyes and shakes her head. ”I just put these in so you would leave me alone. If I”m going to die from a panic attack, I want to do it in peace. Without you worrying about me.”
”I do worry.”
”Understatement of the year,” she says. Behind me, I can feel Brant agreeing with her. ”But I guess I”m kinda glad you do. Sometimes.” I hold my hand out, hoping it will be okay for us to hold hands now, but she just snorts. ”Still not happening.”
Other than an occasional tap on the knee and a raised eyebrow that Brant tries to use to convince me I”ll be fine, we pass the last few minutes of the flight in silence. From the corner of my eye, I watch Chloe as we land. Her body jolts when the wheels make contact with the runway, but as soon as the pilots slam on the brakes and we all lurch forward in our seats, an excited smile breaks over her face. This is not only the first time she”s flown, it”s also the first time she”s been out of the United States. A couple of years ago, her dad made the whole family get passports because he planned to visit Mexico and smuggle cheap medicines in their car on the way back. I almost wish he hadn”t come to his senses, so he could be in prison now. But then she wouldn”t be sitting next to me, tapping her fingers on the back of the empty seat in front of her while she waits for the plane to finish taxiing so she can set foot in another country.
Unfortunately, this is her first experience with customs, so she learns the hard way that it”s not as simple as getting off the plane and going where you want to go. She alternates between sighing and groaning and crossing and uncrossing her arms every few seconds, but I say a simple thank you for every second we”re stuck in this line. With any luck, someone in front of us will confess to sneaking a suitcase full of live lobsters, and we”ll be stuck here all night. Maybe it could even take a couple of days to straighten things out. By then, we would need to fly back home so Brant could be in Salt Lake in time for his first start after his injury.
Luck, though, is not on my side. After a few minutes of standing still, the line moves faster than any line in the history of any airport. We scan our documents at the kiosks, have a short interview with Border Services, and then we”re released into the terminal. The terminal that doesn”t take nearly long enough to cross.
I keep intentionally falling behind to watch Brant”s walk. The surgeon had him wear a knee brace for a few days, just as a precaution. Since it came off, I”ve been watching and looking for any sign that he”s favoring that knee. He says he feels fine. He says he just panicked in the moment. But I know how athletes are. They don”t always admit when they”re in pain. Spotting an abnormal gait might be the only sign I get that he needs more time to heal.
Falling behind also lets me delay the meeting I”ve been dreading for almost two weeks.
I see his parents as soon as we step off the escalator and onto the ground level. A cute couple wearing black and yellow, holding black and yellow balloons and a handwritten white cardboard sign that says ”Welcome Home Brant, Lily, Chloe.”
I stop. Brant doesn”t notice until his hand pulls hard on mine. ”What is it?” he asks, as if the ”it” in question isn”t holding a three-foot-wide sign that makes them obvious to everyone.
”I”m scared.”
”It”s fine. They”re good people. You”re going to love them.”
I close my eyes to the worried tears that are trying to form there. ”Brant, I mean I”m really scared.” Tyler never introduced me to his parents. Every time they were in town, he would have some excuse why I would have to wait until next time to meet them. So I”ve never done this before. But even if I had met Tyler”s parents, it wouldn”t have prepared me for this.
When I was with Tyler, I tried to convince myself that I could spend the rest of my life with him. He wasn”t perfect, but I told myself I didn”t deserve perfect. It”s unrealistic for someone like me to expect more, so I overlooked a lot of things I shouldn”t have. I ignored all the red flags that Em kept pointing out to me. But it”s different with Brant. This does feel perfect. But there”s still that part of me that insists I don”t deserve perfect. It”s always there, searching for a tiny crack to wedge itself into.
What if this is it? If Brant”s parents don”t like me, he won”t stay with me. Not for long. His face lights when he talks about them. I would never date a guy my dad didn”t approve of. And that”s why I never told Dad about Tyler, I say to myself.
Brant steps in front of me. When he blocks my vision, I realize I”ve been staring at his parents like some psycho. ”It”s me and you, yeah?” He puts his hands on my cheeks. ”I think my parents are pretty fucking great, but I might be a little biased. But no matter what, it”s me and you, and I”m here. Don”t ever forget that I”m here. Always will be.”
”Great, now I have to worry that you”re turning into a stalker.” I force out the joke along with a long exhale.
”Call it what you will. But now,” he looks over his shoulder, ”I want the most important people in my world to meet each other. It looks like Chloe has already broken the ice for you.”
I lean around him and see that she hasn”t waited for us. She”s currently hugging Brant”s dad while motioning with her hands as she explains something. Brant”s mom seems completely enraptured by whatever it is Chloe is saying. Of course. ”We need to rescue your parents.”
”They don”t look like they need rescued.”
I ignore him as I drag him along toward the people who look like they”re straight from a casting call for ”Perfect Canadian Hockey Parents.” Brant”s dad is the first to notice us. He nudges his wife with an elbow and then grins as we get up to them. ”This must be Lily.”
”No, I”m Brant. Your son, Dad. Don”t you remember? This is Lily.” Brant points to me.
His mom wisely pretends she doesn”t hear him and reaches out to hug me. ”It”s so wonderful to finally meet you. I”m Tracy. Brant talks about you all the time.” I drop my hand from his to hug her back, hoping that I”m not shaking so much she can tell.
”I wouldn”t say all the time,” Brant mumbles.
”Honey, last month you told me that Lily got a haircut.”
”Yeah?”
”You spent ten minutes talking about it and telling me how much you like it. I hadn”t even met the girl yet, but I could picture exactly what her hair looked like by the time you were done. Your father had to leave the call to go for snacks because it went on for so long.” She pulls back and smiles at me. ”You really are just as beautiful as Brant said, by the way.”
My cheeks flare. ”Thanks.”
As soon as his mom steps away, his dad comes at me with arms out wide. ”Trace isn”t lying. I feel like we already know you. Come here.”
The way he squeezes me feels exactly like the way Dad used to do it when I needed a reminder that he was always there for me. But now he”s not. And he never will be again. The tears that have been looking for any excuse to start falling are making a full-scale assault now, but I squint my eyes closed and refuse to let them through.
”I should have warned you that everyone in my family likes to hug,” Brant says. ”Dad, let her breathe. You two are probably scaring her away.” I wish I could sneak off to the restroom to get these tears out of my system, but I”m not scared away. Just the opposite. Is it possible to love two people thirty seconds after meeting when you”ve barely said a word to them?
His dad shakes his head with a look that says, don”t listen to this one. ”I”m Kevin. I might not be as showy as Trace, but I”m really glad our boy is finally bringing you around.”
”Not as showy?” Tracy puts a hand on her hip. ”Whose idea was all this damn glitter on the sign?”
”It needed something to make it pop,” Kevin protests.
”And the matching outfits?”
He tosses his hands up.
”I think it”s all adorable,” I smile. ”Thank you for doing it.”
”See?” Kevin grins. ”I think you”re right, Brant. I think this girl is the one. Now let”s all load up and head out to the farm.”
My cheeks that were already heated feel like they”re made of fire now.
Brant laces his fingers through mine as his dad loads our backpacks into the back of his van. ”It”s not really a farm,” he whispers. ”He just calls it that.”
Oh good. Because that”s the part that has my insides wobbling. It”s not the talk about me being the one. Talk that Brant isn”t denying.