63. The Adults Are Having a Discussion
Thanksto her damn traffic laws, the third period is underway by the time we pull on to Sting Way. Who the hell ever invented the 25mph speed limit, and how can I make them suffer as much as they just made me? I direct Em to the staff parking lot behind the building, and I”m out of the car before she even has it in park. I swipe us both through the door and sprint into the concrete mechanical tunnel.
Noah walks out of the plumbing room just as we pass by and almost collides with Em. ”Hey, there”s our girl. Meant to tell you, that fancy fish place you told me about? Fantastic. Maybe I should say fin-tastic. Anyway, you”re right as alw?—”
”That”s great.” I walk backward down the hall so I can see him while still making my way to the dressing room. ”I”m in a hurry now, though. Sorry.”
”Of course. You see the boys out there? Inspired. Don”t know what got into them, but Nashville ain”t gotta chance.” He chuckles. ”Especially with that boyfriend of yours in the net. Music City meet Block City, right? I was just watching with?—”
”Noah. I really have to go. But I”m glad I got to see you one last time. I”ll miss you.” His face scrunches in confusion, but I wave and turn away before he has the chance to say anything else. As nice as he is, he”s not the reason I”m here.
And what exactly is that reason?A voice pops into my head to ask me. Because Brant had his helmet redesigned for tonight? That doesn”t mean anything. Or maybe I”m too afraid to admit that it might mean something.
”Shit.”
Em pulls back on my elbow. ”Would you slow down a little?”
I glance down at her boots. ”Wish you had a pair of these godawful trainers now?” I try to match her snobby accent from earlier, but it”s kind of hard to do when I”m jogging down the hallway while dragging my best friend and fighting to keep my internal organs all in the approximately correct locations. ”I shouldn”t do this.” I pull up short, just outside the entrance to the dressing room.
Steph is standing security beside the door. Her long blonde hair is pulled up into a bun so tight it could form a blackhole. Her face is stern but unfocused until she sees us. ”Hey Lily. Didn”t see you earlier. Great game, isn”t it?”
”From what I hear,” I mumble.
”Do you literally know everyone in this arena?” Em asks. ”The people who take tickets? The docents? The vendors?”
I roll my eyes. ”This isn”t a museum. They”re called ushers, not docents. And I maybe know a few.”
Steph laughs and points to Em. ”I bet you”re not wrong. Everybody knows Lily. We all love her. I haven”t seen you around before, though. Are you two sisters?”
”Sisters?” I look at Em. No one has ever thought that before. Probably because we look nothing alike. Em”s hair is a warm copper, almost an auburn, unlike my black. Her skin is pale and pink, and her eyes are... nope, not feeling sick to my stomach as I compare the light green of her eyes to the forest green of Brant”s.
”Adoption”s a thing.” Steph says. ”You two going in?”
”Practically sisters,” Em answers. ”And yes.”
”No.” I say at the same time. The last logical part of my brain searches for any reason why I shouldn”t go in there, park myself in front of Brant”s stall and throw myself down, begging for mercy and promising to move to his estate. It”s possible the logical portion of my brain has been watching too many historical dramas recently. ”We can”t. She doesn”t have a visitor”s pass. You don”t have a pass,” I tell Em. This is the best I could come up with?
I point to Em”s chest to make sure Steph notices there”s no large plastic card, but she waves me off. ”She”s with you. Just stay together and no one will care.”
”I still think it”s best if we—” The sound of grown men shouting and whooping like children comes from behind us. So much for holding everything inside me in place.
”We”re doing this every game of the season. Every. Single. Game.” Kayden barks.
I”ve been up and down the tunnel enough that I know he”s just a couple of seconds away from the corner that will let him see me. And I have no doubt that Brant has told him everything. Every instinct is telling me to run away. Find somewhere to hide. But there isn”t time. I draw my body stiff and close my eyes to brace for whatever is about to come. I don”t expect it to be his voice, though.
”Every game that we have to,” Brant says. ”Every game until she realizes...”
Fuck.
He”s always the last off the ice. Always the last to come down the tunnel. Except tonight.
”Lily.” He somehow sounds like the happiest and saddest man on earth as he says it.
The team goes quiet—even Sammy, which is quite an accomplishment—and I take a deep breath. And another. Just as I start to take a third, Em clears her throat and yanks at my arm, forcing me to turn around. I”ll have to remember to be angry with her about that later.
Kayden is standing in front. The captain, leading his team like always. His left eyebrow is raised as he looks at Em beside me. What is it with everyone being able to do that except me? But then he turns to me, and his already smiling face grows even brighter. I just wish it was bright enough to blind me to the man standing beside him.
Brant”s hair is sweaty and matted from his mask. His cheeks are still that pale pink they always get whenever he”s been on the ice. But his eyes, that normally sparkle after a victory more than any gem I”ve ever seen, are depthless and still as they stare unblinking at me. ”Did you see?”
I try to answer, but my throat feels like I”ve swallowed a boulder. It”s not budging, no matter how many times I try to swallow around it. So I nod.
His eyes widen just a little. ”You saw?”
”Not everything.” Em answers. ”Just the side of your helmet thing.”
”Who ”s this?” Kayden asks her. His lips are parted as he gapes at her.
”Not now, puck boy,” she says, dismissing him with a wave. ”The adults are having a discussion. Or they would if one of them would carry her own weight here.” She nudges my arm.
I shoot her a look that feels like it should cause her to be frightened, but she just rolls her eyes. So I turn back to Brant. ”You put Dad”s lily on your mask?” I ask him.
”The state flower of Utah.”
”And Dad”s favorite flower. The reason I chose it for my name.”
His lips curve up, and I can tell that he”s nervous as he nods. ”I had to go by memory. I hope I got it close enough to do it justice. Maxime... he”s the one who designs all of my masks. I flew him down yesterday to get him to do it. I thought it looked close, but I was afraid I messed up some part of it when I sketched it for him.”
”Flew him?”
”From Quebec City. That”s where he”s from. Um, anyway, I had him make a little change. I don”t know if you noticed. I hope they”re okay. Emory said she liked them when I texted her the picture.” His voice is shaky.
”What change?”
Brant holds his mask up. Other than changing the colors at the center of the flower from red and yellow to pink and blue, it looks mostly identical to my dad”s painting. ”The petals. Maybe I shouldn”t have done it.”
I lean closer to look at the three triangular petals that each curve out to a point. ”Hearts?” I didn”t notice it before. The artist, Maxime, rounded the edges and notched each petal at its base to transform it into a heart. Three hearts growing from the center of the flower.
”I kind of thought it was maybe fate or destiny or one of those mystical things. There are three petals on the flower. Petals that look to me like hearts. And there are three of us. You, me, and Chloe. Our family. I figured Silver is probably the stamen or maybe the stem. I wanted to put your name on here. Big and right across the top, but I didn”t want to pressure you. Now that I think about it, it”s presumptuous to call us a family. It”s just that… fuck, Lily. It”s just that I know we are. And you do too. And… I”m rambling, but I want to say something that will make you understand how I feel.”
I twist my head toward Em, but keep my eyes locked on Brant. ”How much did you know?”
”Not important. You can yell at your boyfriend and me about his nefarious plan later. Once you make up and make him your boyfriend again. Now can we move this… herd somewhere else? The smell of sweat and athlete arrogance is making me nauseous.” Beside Brant, I see Kayden”s eyes flick back to Em and linger there for a second. Probably wondering what to make of her. It”s a common reaction. Join everyone else who has ever met her.
”Did you see our sticks?” The entire team is piled up in the suddenly too crowded hallway, so I can”t see who says it, but I could never mistake Sammy”s voice. Especially not when he”s excited, and right now he sounds like he”s just heard the jangling tune of the ice cream truck turning onto his street. ”You saw them, right? And the patches?”
I shake my head, but then I see the little patch sewn onto the shoulder of Brant”s jersey. A sego lily, like the one on his helmet, but each petal is a different color. White, pale pink, baby blue. ”You had patches made?” I ask Brant.
”I wanted to do special jerseys, but there wasn”t time. I had to make sure you saw it before you left.”
”But you”re not allowed,” I say. ”The league?—”
”Would fine us. They will anyway for the patches.” Just then, Sammy wheels the cart with all of their used game sticks. The blades and handles are covered in trans pride tape. ”They”ll fine us for the tape too. We don”t care. We care about you, and we”re not letting you leave because you”re scared of what a couple bigots might say or do.”
He reaches for me, but I take a step back. ”What about you? What if they suspend you for doing this? What if those bigots take it out on you on the ice?”
Brant holds his palms up. ”I”ve got a team full of brothers who will always have my back, and yours. And from talking to Milo, I think the couple of people who have a problem with it are learning that there isn”t any room for their opinions. Sounds like the Denver dressing room had quite a scene the other night. Thanks to you.”
The blood drains from my face as I think about maybe causing a fight. But then... fuck them if I did. Maybe there needed to be one.
”When are you going to understand, Jams? I don”t care about anything other than us. If I never wear these pads again, I would be content as long as you”re beside me and I know that Chloe is safe and happy. Fuck, I”d be so far beyond content. I would be that one weird guy who”s always smiling. I could be getting a colonoscopy, and I”d be grinning like a fucking fool because all I”d be thinking about is how incredibly lucky I am to go home to you.”
My chest, that has felt too tight for the last few days, now feels so open that birds are soaring through it. A family is what I want, isn”t it? With him. With Chloe if it”s what she wants too. ”But that”s not what you want.”
”Fucking Christ, Lily.” For every step forward Brant takes, I match with one backward until he has me pinned against the wall. There”s still a foot between us, but I feel the game heat radiating from him. When he cups my face, his palm is practically scalding, but I lean into it and close my eyes.
I can picture it. Waking up with him every morning. Falling asleep beside him every night. Living the rest of my life with the one person who gets me. When I see it, Chloe is there too. And Silver, because he is always going to go wherever that girl goes. Oh my god, they already are my family, aren”t they? I know it just like Brant does. A warm tingle spreads through my shoulders.
Stop this!The thought stabs into my mind, trying to pierce my fantasy. You”re just going to get hurt. But what if I don”t? What if Em is right, and I”m trading guaranteed pain now to avoid only the possibility of pain later? Because imagining a life without Brant and Chloe, and even these guys gathered around us right now—imagining a life without my family is so painful.
”When are you going to understand how loved you are?” The words tickle my nose as he presses his forehead to mine. ”Yes, I want to play hockey for as long as my body will let me, and if you would have asked me last summer, I would have told you that was the most important thing in my life. But then I got a new next door neighbor.”
”Do I really count as next door since I”m technically around the corner?”
He ignores my interruption. ”I knew she was special the instant I saw her. And maybe I was a little too exuberant at first, but as I got to know her, I wondered if maybe I wasn”t exuberant enough. Those random thoughts we get in the shower or lying in bed at night or driving? All my life, those were about hockey. Things I can do better. Moves I need to practice. Weaknesses I”ve noticed in my opponents” game film. But this girl started sneaking into those thoughts, and now she”s all I think about when I”m off the ice. How beautiful she is. How intelligent she is. How she makes everything amazing when I”m around her. How she makes me better.
”But for the last two days, the only thought spinning in my brain was that she was going to leave me. And I can”t let her. Not without doing everything possible to let her know how firmly she”s rooted into my heart. Hell, she is my fucking heart. Without her, I don”t exist anymore. And if she wants to leave because it”s best for her, I won”t stop her. It would physically kill me, but I would drive her to the airport. If it”s what she wants. But I don”t think it is. And I know for fucking sure it”s not what I want. All you have to do is tell me. It”s that simple. Tell me you want to leave.” His words have faded to a bare whisper, but that doesn”t stop them from pounding me.
”I don”t.” The words slip out as a breath. I swallow down the entire rock formation that has grown in my throat so I can tell him again, tell him so he can hear me. But his lips cover mine, and I know he heard everything I need to tell him. His lips are so soft, so full as they steal the last of my strength. So much of it already spent simply by holding my body into a cohesive form the last two days. But now the last of it is gone, and as I open myself to him, I slide down the wall. The concrete catches and lifts my jacket and then my shirt higher on my back as I slip. There”s a brief chill against my exposed skin, but Brant”s lips are still pressed to mine. His tongue probing and pushing mine until it”s all I can feel. Until I take over. My tongue pushes back, and one of us—both of us—whimper.
Brant works his hands around me, and I think he”s going to catch me. He”s always going to catch me. But he”s not trying to hold me up. He”s holding me against him as he lowers us both. Even when I feel the floor under me, his lips stay pressed to mine. My body is still pulled tight to his. And there really is no one else. How could I ever think about leaving this man? This kiss, my body”s reaction to it—my soul”s reaction to it—tells me just how foolish that thought was. I twine my fingers into his wet hair. Heat is pouring from his head, and I want to take it all. Claim it. Claim him the way he claims me. ”Mine.” I whisper the word into his mouth. Through our pressed lips, it comes out as a moan, but he nods. He knows. This man is mine just as much as I”m his.
The thought untangles everything that had been knotted inside me. I”m his. His girl. His family. I”m not sure if I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I”m not sure of any physical sensation right now except him. His lips. The back of his head under my hands. His hands palming the bare skin of my back. My entire world is him, and I could live here forever. I could stretch this kiss until time ends for me. I dare my body to ever need anything other than this.
”Oh my god, is she okay?” Something... someone breaks through into our world for just a flash. ”Morrison, do you need help?”
”She”s fine, Tommy.” Brant”s growl tickles my lips.
”Oh. Oh! Sorry! Um, but they need you.”
Brant pulls away just a fraction of an inch, too much, and sighs. ”They don”t need me nearly as much as I need this.”
”It”s the Three Stars.” The fog that had hidden my thoughts thins just enough to realize this must be Tommy Olasky. He”s an intern for the local network that broadcasts the games. Since he works mostly with the television crew, I don”t know him well. Just enough to know that he”s sweet. ”They need you on the ice. You, Roy, and Bouchard. And they named you First Star, not a surprise after that game you just had out there. I”ve never seen any goalie?—”
”Tell them I don”t care.”
I open my eyes. Everyone except Tommy is gone. I”m wedged where the wall meets the floor, and Brant is kneeling in front of me. I want to hold him here forever. ”You should go.”
After every game, the media votes on the top three players of the match. They”re honored as the Three Stars, and they go onto the ice and salute the fans. The player selected as the First Star does a quick interview with the announcers. Fans love it, and it takes just a couple of minutes.
”I should stay here,” he says. ”I”m never leaving you. I hope you like showering together because you”re never leaving my side.”
Heat flares between my thighs at the thought. ”I could certainly get used to that. But you need to go. The fans will want to see their First Star. I”ll be right here.”
”Then I definitely can”t go. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I left the woman I love in a mess on the floor?”
I slap his shoulder. ”You can leave me in a mess anytime, but stop being a dork. I”ll wait for you in the dressing room.”
”Promise me you won”t leave.”
”I won”t.”
”Promise it.” Worry sweeps over his eyes.
I press my lips to his. One last time for now. A promise of much more in the future. Our future. ”I promise. I”ll never leave you. Now go so the fans can cheer you and so they can get their interview.”
Brant groans as he leans away from me, but then he holds his hand to help me up. ”You should be the first star. They should interview you. Every stop I made out there tonight was because of you.”
”No one wants an interview with me.” I chuckle. ”Now quit stalling. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can come back here.”
He nods. ”And the sooner we can go home.”
”The sooner we can go home,” I agree.