Chapter 22
Scarlett
The sobs that come from my chest are unexpected.
Goose, one of the little chicks that seemed so scared when I first brought them home just hops up into my hand and settles in to take a nap.
Something inside of me bursts at the sight of it.
This tiny precious body finds solace with me and suddenly, it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced.
After a few minutes of letting my emotions wash over me I compose myself and make sure that I’m not shaking so that Goose can get a little nap.
This moment in time reinvigorates me into feeling like I’ve made the right decision.
I can’t say the last time I felt this much peace.
My previous life in Denver was quite the opposite of peace.
Sure, I loved my job when I first got it.
I was motivated and full of life and ready to become the next Diane Sawyer.
And there is nothing wrong with the fact that I wanted it, just like there isn’t anything wrong with the fact that I’ve changed my mind now.
The work was honorable in the beginning.
I felt like I could make a change with my reporting.
Do some good. But after Valerie took over and the pace of the work changed, it didn’t feel honorable anymore.
Countless times Valerie would send me off on a tip to a place where my safety was in jeopardy.
Not that that is unusual. Journalists have been fighting to bring the news through warzones and other dangerous places.
But, we were Denver Magazine. We wrote articles that ranged from political injustices to How to Tell What Season You Are.
I signed on there because I loved the range of the magazine.
I was able to get a job that I felt I could do justice with while working beside someone who tested out lipsticks for a living.
Having that variety in the magazine ensured that we had something for everyone.
And for years it worked. We engaged readers of all ages, ethnicities, religious, and political backgrounds. The work felt important.
I still believe that the work is important, but now…
so is my mental health. And the fact that I’m breaking down over a small life form curling up in my hands shows me that I’m in desperate need of paying attention to my mental health and needs.
Something about this little bird showing affection makes it blatantly obvious how lonely I am.
I think that’s really where the tears came from.
It’s not like I haven’t dated in the last ten years being at the magazine.
I’ve gone on dates. I’ve had some one night stands.
I’ve done the work to put myself out there.
But nothing has ever stuck. There’s not been one man I’ve gone on a date with or had a relationship with that I thought could be the one.
In fact, I’m not sure the thought of forever with someone has ever crossed my mind.
For a few years I may have sought after it.
Watching Mia and Jonathan get married after being together since they were twelve definitely put some unrealistic expectations in my head.
But, on the flip side of things, I watched Andee be married to Carson for ten years.
We all knew that Carson wasn’t what Andee deserved but how do you tell your best friend that she might be with the wrong guy?
We were there for her when he fucked it up and now she’s happy as ever in a relationship with Dennis. Someone who truly does deserve her.
The world isn’t fair when it comes to love.
Kenzie is one of the sweetest, albeit maybe a little naive, people I know and she hasn’t found true love yet.
Poor thing uses all the apps, goes on tons of dates, but for some reason they all end up in some sort of terrible ending.
Lydia is a badass who makes a living dominating a typically male profession by being a professional gamer.
She’s been live streaming for years ever since college and she’s even had game makers reach out to her specifically to help them work out the kinks of new upcoming game releases.
She always down plays it, of course, but it’s seriously cool.
And then there’s me. The cliche city slicker who has always put her career first. I use my free hand to wipe the tears from my eyes and take a deep, calming breath.
I guess I didn’t realize until just now how lonely I’ve made my life.
My friends are a huge part of my life and do the best they can to be there for me so I have a hard time saying I’m actually lonely but when the sun goes down and the sky turns dark, I have to admit that I’d prefer both sides of the bed to be warm.
Once I fully calm myself down, Goose decides it’s time for a snack. She hops down out of my hand and hobbles over to the feeder tripping over her little feet and falling face first before she gets there. Quickly, she stands back up, shakes her feathery head and keeps on trekking.
Despite my loneliness, I’m also a little nervous to jump into the dating game.
I’m having fun renovating the cottage and envisioning my plans for the farm but it’s hard not to feel a little overwhelmed by all that I don’t know about this new life I’ve started.
Do I really want to add dating into the mix?
“I guess you little chicks, and potential roosters, are just going to have to fill the hole in my life for now.” I say as I sniffle and take another cleansing breath to move on from my little break down.
“Besides, we ladies don’t need a man, right?
” Whether it’s coincidence or not, Pedro uses that moment to let out an awkward squawk.
Maybe the name Pedro fits better than I thought.