Chapter 9 A Shitty Assignment
nine
a shitty assignment
Liam
After that catastrophe of a book club meeting, I’d seriously reconsidered whether my return to Carlisle Creek was a good thing.
I doubted I would ever recover from hearing Nana compare a fictional alien penis to not one, but two different styles of sex toys.
That’s not a thing you forget. I should probably go ahead and schedule a lobotomy if I want to be able to face her again.
Not only did Nana scar me for life with her toy talk, but Mrs. Patterson’s very, very detailed notes in the margins of Hot Dudes, Hotter Planet had me questioning my choice in accommodations.
Between those notes and the extraordinarily graphic yet exquisitely rendered instructional diagrams that Mr. Patterson shared with me for “additional context”, I questioned whether the plastic coverings at the B I loved it.”
Warmth spread through my chest at seeing her fix my coffee the way I liked it. I couldn’t believe she cared enough to remember that.
“And I’d say you were a deep, deep red. Like burgundy.
Or maybe even”—she tapped a finger on her soft pink lips—“the colour of a pomegranate. Almost purple? Either way, not the most flattering shade on you. It’s too bad, really, since it’s the colour you will be for all eternity after I climb through your window with Harold and use his flabby cat belly to smother you for calling me Pipsqueak again. ”
I snorted a laugh. “You’re right, though, red really isn’t my colour,” I said, ignoring the death threat altogether. I pretended to fluff my hair. “I’m more of a spring.”
“A spring? Really? And how would you know that?”
I shrugged. “Nana took me to get my colour wheel done when I graduated high school. It’s come in handy over the years.
” One of my fondest memories was of Nana and the saleswoman from her favourite dress shop holding swatches of fabric near my face, positioning me in different lighting, and taking turns inspecting me to determine how well each colour suited my skin tone.
Her cup stopped halfway to her mouth. “That’s … wow. Really? I don’t even know what to say.” She set her coffee on the counter between us, then turned a serious gaze on me. “Why would you agree to that?”
“It never occurred to me not to. She took me to the city for a day of shopping, and that’s what she wanted to do while we were there.
I never could tell her no.” I chuckled at her confusion.
“If you play your cards right, I might even let you peek at the glamour shots we had taken when I was nineteen.”
I’d had so much fun that day, if only because Nana’s excitement about the photo shoot was infectious.
She’d said we needed some lighthearted pictures to remind us it was okay to live our lives, even though we were still grieving the deaths of my parents.
She’d said one didn’t have to preclude the other.
Maya stared into the distance, stunned silent.
She shook her head as if to clear it. “Well, that was nice of you, I guess.” She gulped her coffee, froze, then shifted her wide eyes to me.
“Wait. Did you say glamour shots? Like teased hair, feather boas, over-the-top makeup, and ridiculous poses. Those glamour shots?”
I laughed. “The same.”
“How have I never seen those? Nana shows me the family photo albums all the time.”
“I threatened to give her shortbread recipe to Rhonda Raymond.”
She gasped. “No, you did not! Her arch-nemesis? Nana hates Rhonda Raymond. And she loves that recipe. I’ve asked her for it countless times, but she won’t even let me see it. I think she plans to be buried with it.” With a chuckle, she added, “I can’t believe you threatened to give it to Rhonda.”
Nana and Rhonda had been mortal enemies ever since Rhonda stole Nana’s boyfriend way back in grade ten. And if there was one thing Nana took seriously, it was grudges.
And sex toys, apparently.
“Oh, you bet I did. I had to. Of course, it wouldn’t have been the real recipe.
Nana has never let anyone see that. But I’ve seen her make them often enough, I thought I could replicate it from memory.
” I wouldn’t have been able to, so it was good that Nana didn’t call my bluff.
That old woman was wily. When she baked her shortbread, she’d set out piles of decoy ingredients to throw any onlookers off track.
I’d baked five batches of cookies with black licorice extract before I figured out what she was doing.
I’d been baking cookies and eliminating ingredients ever since, and I still hadn’t gotten them precisely right.
“Okay.” Her face was a mask of confusion. “But it was just some unflattering pictures. Who would even care?”
“You don’t understand. I couldn’t take the risk of those pictures getting out.
If anyone had seen them, there was a better-than-good chance that I’d remain a virgin forever.
Nana, of course, thought they were adorable.
She’d have plastered them all over town if I hadn’t taken matters into my own hands. ”
Maya smothered a laugh with her fist. “And you’re not worried about that anymore?”
“Not really, no.” I chuckled. “The virginity thing hasn’t been an issue since my second year of college.
And while I loathe the thought that seeing those pictures would make you never want to get to know me better”—I waggled my eyebrows suggestively, earning an annoyed groan from Maya—“I’m willing to risk it.
” And I was. Her laughter was magic, and I needed more of it.
I needed it all. “Though I suspect that seeing my humiliation on display in full colour might increase my chances with you.” I shot her an exaggerated wink, making her eyes roll.
“You seem like you’d be into that sort of thing. ”
She shook her head and barked a laugh. I could listen to the sound of her laughter all day.
“Don’t you have better things to do than annoy me?”
I glanced around the store, pretending to think over her question. “Nope. I have nothing going on. I’m all yours.” I grinned, not surprised to realize there really was nowhere I would rather be at that moment. I threw her another cheeky wink. “Do with me what you will.”
“In that case”—she smirked, a mischievous gleam dancing in her eye—“I know just the thing. Follow me.”
Maya walked into the back room without checking to see if I was following, which was for the best. God bless the inventor of leggings for granting me this special moment.
She stopped abruptly, forcing me to grab her arm to keep from slamming into her back. Was that my imagination, or did she gasp when I touched her? But was it a good gasp, or a bad one?
She waited a beat before pointing to a far corner. “The litter box is back there.”
My jaw dropped. “You can’t be serious.” This was not what I had in mind when she asked me to follow her back here.
“The scoop’s on the wall there,” she continued with barely restrained glee as she pointed to a spot near the litter box. “And you can find trash bags under the sink.”
I grumbled under my breath, but kept my mouth shut. I had said she could do whatever she wanted with me, so I should have expected this. It’s my own fault for allowing myself to become stupefied by her ass.
“Oh, and don’t forget to top up with fresh litter from that container there.” She pointed to a plastic storage bin. “Harold hates it when the level gets too low.”
I heaved a resigned sigh, taking comfort in the sway of her hips as she walked away. At least this shitty—and I mean shitty in every sense of the word—assignment had come with a decent view.
With one last glance at Maya, I turned myself to my task. Thankfully, I’d worn my glasses instead of my contacts this morning. They might make me look like my nerdy teenage self, but at least they doubled as protective gear for cat-shit cleanup.
Blowing out a resigned breath, I grabbed the scoop and a bag and got to work.
I wasn’t one to go back on my word, even when someone had conned me into disposing of animal poop.
But I’d certainly think twice before indiscriminately offering my services to Maya again.
I’d have to chalk this one up as a lesson learned the hard way.
A wave of nostalgia slammed into me as I took in the stock room. Bishop’s used to be my favourite place on earth. Shelving books, constructing window displays, and poring over our favourite reads together on rainy days had made for the most magical summers.
Climbing the corporate ladder felt empty compared to being closer to Nana.
Now that I would be here for a while, I’d do everything in my power to make it up to her.
Well, everything except facing her with her words about Rabbits, Roses, and alien dicks still fresh in my brain.
I would rather scrub a thousand litter boxes with my own toothbrush than look her in the eye right now.
A man had to protect his mental health, after all.
I finished bagging up the litter and called out to Maya from the stockroom door. “I’m taking this out to the dumpster,” I called out. “Is there anything else that needs to go out?”
“Can you grab the trash from under the counter, too?” Maya called out from behind a shelf somewhere on the other side of the store. “Thanks. And don’t forget to disarm the alarm. The key’s already in the door; you just need to turn it. And remember to turn it on again when you’re back.”
When I returned, Maya was waiting for me at the counter.
“Are you sticking around for a while? I have a ton of shelving to do if you want to hel—.”
“I’d love to,” I blurted out before she’d finished getting the words out. Did I want to stick around the store and get to know Maya better? Hell yes, I did.