Chapter 29
twenty-nine
dick-shaped
Maya
Andie’s eyes widened comically when I strolled into the diner with Liam’s hand in mine.
Was it as majestic as you remembered? She asked with her eyes. No more abandoned mineshaft, I guess?
Shut your dirty cake hole, I responded back with a pointed look.
Her mouth quirked into a knowing grin. You don’t look sexually frustrated. I assume that means it was still majestic. Either that, or he knows what he’s doing. Or, if you were really lucky, both.
I can’t believe I ever thought you were my friend.
You love me.
I glared. That’s debatable. Right now, I’m not so sure.
She shook her head. Too bad. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.
“Good morning, Andie,” Liam called out, completely oblivious to the silent conversation happening right in front of him. “Mind if we sit by the window?”
She spoke to us simultaneously, somehow sending me another silent message—He looks happy too—while nodding to Liam and saying, “Sure thing. You guys go ahead. I’ll be there in a sec.”
“Looks like we missed the breakfast rush.” The only other customers in the nearly empty diner, Mr. and Mrs. Patterson, were already mid-meal and deep in an animated discussion.
“But it looks like Andie still has her hands full.” She’d turned away from us to wrangle her three-year-old son, Carter, who appeared to be launching an intense negotiation over what constituted a tasty breakfast.
“Ew, Mom. I don’t like eggs,” Carter whined. “Eggs smells like chicken farts.”
Andie’s frustrated sigh echoed across the diner. Carter was well-behaved for a preschooler, but the kid had more energy and more opinions than any single human had a right to.
“Go on ahead,” I said, already heading toward Andie. “I’ll be right back.”
Liam slid into a booth while I offered my help to my frazzled best friend. “Hey, Carter. How’s it going, buddy?” I crouched beside his chair. “Want to come sit with me while you wait for Granny and Grandpa? I’ll let you play a game on my phone.”
If I’d learned anything since meeting Andie, it’s that being a single mom was hard. That, and video games worked better than candy when you wanted to bribe little kids.
“Yep!” Carter yelled before launching himself out of his chair and into my arms. “Thanks, Auntie MyMy. You’re the bestest.”
Andie mouthed a silent thank you.
Shaking off her thanks, I grinned and took Carter’s hand. “Come on, kiddo. Let’s go sit down. You can meet my new friend.”
Carter scrambled up onto the booth seat, spotted Liam on the opposite side, and levelled him with a suspicious glare. “Who the hell are you?”
Liam hid his surprise behind a chuckle. “I’m Liam. And you are?”
“I’m Carter.” He wrapped his little hands around my arm, pulling me close, and my heart warmed as he claimed me. “This is my Auntie MyMy.”
Liam snickered at the kid’s possessiveness. “Nice to meet you, Carter. Your Auntie MyMy and I were planning to have some breakfast. What do you recommend?”
His suspicion forgotten, Carter peered up at me, his little eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “What’s wecommens?” he whispered.
I leaned in close and murmured, “He means, what do you think we should eat for breakfast?”
A grin spread across his face when he turned back to Liam. “You should have pancakes. Pancakes are the bestest.”
Liam smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “That sounds perfect,” Liam said. “I think I’ll do that.”
Carter grinned, as if he considered the matter settled. “Can I play now, Auntie MyMy?”
“You bet, kiddo.” I pulled up the preschool reading game he was currently obsessed with and passed him my phone. “Maybe you’ll beat your high score this time.”
“Heck yeah I will!” he yelled before smashing the start button. “I’m gonna win this game so hard.”
“You’re good with him.” Liam said once the game had Carter’s undivided attention. “And he seems very protective of you.”
“Thanks.” I flipped our cups upright as Andie approached with the coffee pot. “I babysit Carter whenever I can, so Andie can have some time for herself. Plus, he usually joins us on girls’ nights. Until he goes to bed, anyway.”
Andie stopped at our table, filling our cups. “Crap. I forgot the menus. Did you need to see one?” she asked Liam. “I keep forgetting that you’re not a regular part of the scenery. You fit in really well around here.”
“No need for a menu. My man Carter here tells me that pancakes are the way to go,” Liam said with a chuckle. “I’ll also have scrambled eggs and a side of bacon with that, please.”
She scribbled on her notepad before turning to me with a mischievous grin. “The usual for you, Maya? Or were you thinking of having something a little more … majestic?”
I choked on my coffee, narrowly avoiding spitting it out, yet still managing to dribble it down my chin.
Andie cackled and handed me a napkin. “The usual, then?”
“The usual will be fine,” I muttered, avoiding her gaze. Screwing my eyes shut, I wished the ground would swallow me and spare me this humiliation.
As Andie headed to the counter, Liam leaned in. “Majestic?”
“Long story.” My cheeks burned.
“Oh?” He grinned. “Can’t wait to hear it. I love long stories.”
“Well, get used to waiting. Because I’m definitely not sharing this one.”
After a few minutes of tense silence, Liam set down his coffee. “So, Maya…” he said, his voice easy. “I’ve heard the story about how Nana found you on the side of the road, but you never told me what brought you to Carlisle Creek in the first place. What were you doing before you saw Nana’s ad?”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute. I let him in my pants, but that didn’t mean I owed him my life story. Besides, if the death threats didn’t scare him off, the truth would probably do it. He was a successful guy. Would finding out I barely graduated high school be a deal-breaker?
“Maya?” Liam nudged my foot with his under the table. His voice was gentle. “You okay?”
“What?” I forced a smile. “Yes. I’m totally fine.”
Liam tilted his head. “You sure? You weren’t thinking about Alan Rickman again, were you?” His playful smirk worked to snap me out of my worry spiral.
“You caught me.” I laughed, grateful for the shift. “Just another Rickman reverie.”
“You still owe me some Rickman movies,” he says, taking a slow sip of coffee. “Don’t get me wrong—his Sheriff of Nottingham was incredible. But I don’t see how that performance sends you to la-la land. There has to be more to it.”
There was more. So much more. But I couldn’t tell him without telling him everything. And I wasn’t sure either of us wanted that.
“Haha. Well, you know … I started you off slow.” I forced a laugh. “Wait until we get to Die Hard and Dogma. You’ll get it then.”
Liam’s eyes darkened. A slow smile tugged at his lips. “I can’t wait,” he murmured, voice low, rough.
I don’t think he’s thinking about Die Hard right now.
Butterflies took flight in my stomach. No. Fireworks. Definitely fireworks. I swallowed roughly, my mouth suddenly dry, and my panties suddenly not. Fanning myself with a napkin, I asked, “Is it warm in here?”
Liam smirked. “No, Pipsqueak. It’s a perfectly normal temperature in here. Right, Carter?”
Carter glanced up, his little eyebrows drawn in confusion. “Auntie MyMy, it’s not hot. See? I gots a sweater on. ‘Cause it’s cold.”
I chuckled. Kids were so innocent. “You’re right, buddy. My bad.”
“S’okay,” Carter mumbled, turning back to his game, already tuning us out.
I narrowed my eyes. “I owe you a death threat for that last ‘Pipsqueak’, but not in front of the kid.”
Liam grinned and took a drink of his coffee. “I’m okay with another rain check. You can get me twice next time.”
“Liam, dear.” Mrs. Patterson appeared next to our booth and patted Liam’s arm.
“I wasn’t aware you were such close friends with our Maya here.
It’s nice to see her out and about.” She leaned in, dropping her voice to a dramatic stage whisper.
Oh, no. I don’t think I’ll like where this is going.
“Poor girl hasn’t had a lover for as long as we’ve known her.
” She winked. “Maybe you can help her get back on that—” Her gaze flicked to Carter at the last second, and she swapped out whatever scandalous word she was going to say for “—horse?”
I choked. Again.
Liam, the traitor, grinned. “Don’t you worry, Mrs. Patterson.” His voice dropped an octave as he looked directly at me and added, “I’ll make sure she’s riding again in no time.”
My jaw dropped. I can’t believe he said that.
I waited until the Pattersons were safely out of earshot before hissing, “What the hell are you doing? You can’t tell people that!”
Liam leaned back in the booth, totally unruffled. “Why not? You should see the stuff Mrs. Patterson writes in the margins of her spicy books.”
I narrowed my eyes, confused by his sudden change of subject. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Trust me. There’s nothing I could say that would shock them.
” He grinned. “That copy of Hot Dudes, Hotter Planet she lent me has so many dicks drawn in it I’ll need to bleach my eyeballs.
Did you know she draws tiny dicks instead of arrows to call attention to phrases she likes?
And don’t get me started on Mr. Patterson’s sketches. ”
Carter looked up from his game. “Dick means penis. Mom says it’s important to use the ‘rect word for privates. The ‘rect word is penis and testicles and vagina and vulva and anus. K, Liam?” he announced before tuning us out again.
Liam choked on a startled laugh. “You’re absolutely right, Carter. Thanks for reminding me.”
I shook my head at the impromptu anatomy lesson. Carter was full of surprises.
“None of this means I want them to know all of my business,” I said when Liam finally turned his attention back to me. “I kind of want to keep my private life private.”
Liam arched an eyebrow. “Maya, you must know how fast gossip travels in a town like this. Everyone already knows I spent the night with you.”
I spluttered. “What? How?”
He gave me a look. “For one,” he said, holding up a finger, “I’m staying at the Patterson’s B&B.”
Shit. That’s right. They must have noticed he hadn’t come back last night.
“And for another”—he held up a second finger—“they were spying on us through the window when we left the store this morning.”
“Oh…” Right. Well, there went any hope I had of keeping this a secret past lunchtime. Not that it needed to be a secret, but I certainly didn’t need everyone in my business either.
Andie chose that exact moment to return, placing Carter’s pancakes, already cut into bite-sized pieces, in front of him.
She set another plate in front of Liam. “Pancakes for you.” Then, with a barely contained smirk, she slid mine in front of me.
“And for Maya—a majestic sausage and pepper omelette with cheese.”
“Thanks. This looks grea…” The words died in my throat as my brain struggled to comprehend just what it was I was looking at.
It was an omelette, sure. But it was no ordinary omelette.
Instead of the regular-sized half-moon shaped omelette I usually got, what I had in front of me was enormous and bore a remarkable resemblance to a part of human anatomy. Expertly crafted from the finest ingredients, complete with strategically placed toasted poppy seed bagel halves.
That was definitely a penis.
Liam took one look at it and barked a surprised laugh. “I love what you did with the cheese.”
I hadn’t even spotted the cheese yet, but sure enough, there it was, placed strategically at one end of the omelette, with melted strands arcing out in an artful spray of cheese jizz. Chizz.
It was a cockelette.
A majestic cockelette with chizz.
I glowered at Andie. I thought you were my friend.
She chuckled. Yup. Best friend. And don’t you forget it. “Enjoy the majesty.”
Resigned, I picked up my fork and dug in. Dick-shaped or not, I wasn’t about to let good food go to waste.