Chapter 40
forty
she nearly died
Maya
Nana fell asleep the instant her head hit the pillow, but I stayed by her side. I needed to watch her sleep for a few minutes longer to reassure myself that she’d made it home safely.
Even though I’d watched her walk through the door, even though I’d held her in my arms, my body hadn’t gotten the message yet, the tightness in my chest hadn’t dissipated. I had to keep reminding myself, Nana is safe.
But she could have died. And it would have been my fault. I'd let this happen.
Only the worst kind of person lets their elderly Nana wander out into the cold alone. I. Was. The worst.
“What happened tonight, Maya?” Liam’s voice was soft, but it cut through my inner monologue before I could spiral into the depths of despair.
I couldn’t meet his eyes. I wanted to say, “I was in my apartment.” That’s all. Five simple words. But when I opened my mouth to speak, they stuck in my throat. What came out instead was a choked, garbled sob. “I-I…” I sniffled and cleared my throat. “I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.
The moment the words left my mouth, the dam broke. The emotions I’d been trying to hold back all night came crashing down, drowning me in a suffocating wave of shame and guilt.
I’d cried this hard only once before: the first night after my parents kicked me out. And much like that night, I felt small. Alone. Worthless.
The heartbreaking shame of failure pressed down on me, growing heavier by the second. Because I should have kept Nana safe. I should have taken better care of her for everything she’d done for me, but I failed. Just like I failed at being a daughter that parents wanted to keep around.
My thoughts twisted. I needed to leave. If I couldn’t take care of Nana, there was no point in staying. But what would I do? Where could I go? I couldn’t take Nana’s car. After what I did, I didn’t deserve it.
“Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay, Maya.”
Liam led me from Nana’s room before wrapping his arms around me.
I buried my face in the warmth of his chest, letting his steady heartbeat ground me.
I shouldn’t have allowed myself to accept comfort from him, not when I knew he’d hate me the second he found out what really happened tonight.
And yet I let myself cling to him. Now that I’d decided what I would do, I’d need the memory of this moment, of his touch, and of being held by someone I cared about.
An image I could cling to later when I was alone again.
When I once again had nothing. This time, when I lost everything, I wouldn’t even have my car to sleep in. I wouldn’t have anything at all.
“She could have died, Liam.” My voice cracked, and I could scarcely get the words out. “And it’s all my fault.” I jerked away from his embrace, scrubbing my hands over my tear-stained face. But it didn’t erase the raw, hollow ache in my chest.
“I was supposed to be taking care of her.” My throat tightened as the reality of my failure crashed over me again. “And I nearly killed her instead.”