Chapter 7 – Ainsleigh
seven
AINSLEIGH
Iwalked away because I had to.
I left him standing there, alone in the kitchen, with no other thought on my mind except getting away, because I couldn’t handle the way he affected me. Just hearing his voice stirred up every emotion I’d buried for four years.
Just looking into his green eyes made me feel things I couldn’t allow myself to feel.
He was everything in a man that I wanted but was almost too scared to have.
Not again. Not with him. That chapter of my life needed to remain closed.
And yet, as I stole up the stairs, pain and longing flared in my chest as my thoughts immediately drew back to the man I’d just walked away from.
Even if Gentry wasn’t always a soft whisper in the back of my thoughts, he was there now–picking me up from the airport and walking around my parents’ house like he owned the place.
No one in my family had let on that they still talked to him, let alone had seen him. In the four years since I’d been gone, no one had even mentioned his name. They knew I couldn’t handle it. Maybe I should’ve asked just so I’d have been better prepared for today.
I couldn’t allow us to pick up where we’d left off.
I had to come up with a plan. Tomorrow, I’d text Dylan and Aspen to get their thoughts.
They knew all about Gentry. They knew all about me, except for one detail I could never bring myself to share.
The most important part of me remained untold to my best friends.
A secret I was sure would get out once they came here.
I just hoped I’d be the one to tell them.
I undressed and grabbed my comfy pajama pants and tank top from my suitcase, hastily putting them on. Rummaging through the bag after I was dressed, I found the comfy, fluffy socks I was looking for. I hated having cold feet.
After I put them on, I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. Being in this room again felt like home, yet so foreign at the same time. Everything smelled the same, yet I felt like an outsider looking in.
Looking over at the spot that plagued my thoughts, I stared at the floor. My heart pounded in my chest as memories threatened to come to the surface from the recesses of my mind where I’d left them.
I laid on the bed and shut my eyes so tight I was sure to get a headache. I didn’t care.
For a while that method worked. I pushed them back where they belonged, but that didn’t stop my heart from beating faster than normal or for a sheen of sweat to grace my entire body.
Looking over at the clock, I noticed it was only nine at night. It would be ten in Virginia right now. Way past the bedtime I was used to.
I’d concluded that I’d get no sleep in here. I needed to get away from this room.
From this house.
Getting up from the bed, I slipped on the slippers that were still placed under my nightstand, grabbed my phone, and walked out of the room.
I had one stop in mind.
The stables.
There was a loft at the top—that was my sanctuary—with a bed that I could sleep on and a bathroom if I needed it. I’d done it so many times growing up, my parents came to expect me to be there if they couldn’t find me in the mornings. This time would be no different.
As quiet as I could, I snuck out the door in the kitchen and walked down the lighted path to my destination. Once my parents realized I had been sneaking out to the stables, they installed lights so that I wouldn’t hurt myself in the dark anytime I decided to wander down here.
I pulled open the door just enough to get inside and shut it once I was cleared the entrance. The horses made some noises, but I ignored them as I walked over to the staircase.
Carefully, I grabbed the rail and climbed to the top. The door was open which was odd, but I thought nothing of it as I walked over to the bed, exhausted and ready to just sleep the night away. Morning would come too soon for my liking.
I turned the light off that someone must’ve left on and laid down on the comfy bed. My head hit the pillow, and I let out a sigh.
Just when I was comfortable, I heard the bathroom door open, causing me to sit up too quickly. My head spun from the fast motion, and I shook it to clear the fogginess.
There he stood in a pair of sleep pants. I was too stunned to even speak.
“What are you doin’ in my bed?”
His bed.
What was going on here?
“I…”
No words would come. I couldn’t get over how much he’d changed. He wasn’t the boy I’d left behind. He was now a man.
“You what?” he asked as he stepped closer to where I still sat, unmoving.
He couldn’t come closer.
That’d be bad.
So very bad.
“I didn’t know. I shouldn’t be here,” I said as I tried to get out of the bed.
My plan to escape didn’t go accordingly.
My foot got caught in the covers, and I went tumbling to the floor for the second time tonight.
I wasn’t this clumsy. It had to have been his fault. He was there both times I’d made a fool of myself.
“You really have to stop fallin’ over me, butterfly,” he said while trying to contain his laughter.
He leaned down to help me.
And I let him.
I didn’t need to fall again.
I needed to escape.
He pulled me off the floor with no effort at all.
At that moment, with my hand still in his, I looked around the room and finally took in my surroundings.
With the glare coming from the light of the bathroom, I noticed more of Gentry’s things in the space than I had when I first entered the room.
Why hadn’t I paid more attention until now?
He apparently lived here.
But why?
I didn’t regret leaving. I just hated the fact that I wasn’t fully informed. I wished someone would’ve warned me.
“I should go,” I said as I let go of his hand and went to walk around him. He gently grabbed my arm to stop me.
I looked down where his hand held my arm and then up at him, confused as to why he’d try to stop me.
That touch.
The feel of his hand on me.
The feel of his calloused fingers gently wrapped around my arm brought back so many memories.
“Wait. Why did you come up here?”
“It’s nothin’. I’ll leave you to get some sleep,” I replied, looking away so he couldn’t see the turmoil in my eyes. He’d never missed a beat before in reading my emotions, and I couldn’t forget that. Especially when he’d already seen more than he should have.
“It’s not nothin’. Tell me,” he pleaded.
I let out a breath of frustration, knowing that he wouldn’t let it be.
“You wouldn’t understand,” I whispered. I couldn’t tell anyone, especially him, how much being in that room still affected me. They’d know that I didn’t heal while I was away, and I didn’t want anyone to worry about me.
“Try me, butterfly,” he said as he stepped forward and looked down at me.
That nickname. It always affected me, even more so now, because I didn’t understand how he could call me that when I’d hurt him so badly.
Letting out a sigh, I looked into his eyes. His eyes held so much pain and mirrored my own.
“Why are you being nice to me?” I asked, changing the subject. I wasn’t ready to talk about how much pain I felt being back here.
“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”
My brows furrowed. I hated when someone answered a question with a question, but I didn’t have a right to call him out on it. I deserved for him to ask me questions. I deserved so much more from him that didn’t include him being nice to me.
“I don’t deserve it,” I admitted as I looked away.
I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. I needed to get out of here. Being this close to him made my heart happy, but it also felt like I would break in two because of how badly I’d hurt him.
I felt his finger touch my chin as he placed just enough pressure to move my face to look at him.
“What do you think you deserve?” he asked, the tone of his voice gentle but laced with something I couldn’t quite explain.
“You to hate me,” I managed to answer as part of my heart shattered at what I’d just admitted aloud for the first time. Tears fell from my eyes at the honesty I’d just given him.
He didn’t respond to my words. We stood there staring at each other. He stepped closer and rested his forehead on mine as I cried while looking into his eyes.
A few moments later he asked me again why I was out in the loft.
“I couldn’t sleep in that room. In that house.
It’s too hard. But I’ll find somewhere else.
Don’t worry about it,” I finally admitted as I tried to get him to let go of the hold he had on me.
Physically, that was possible, but I’d probably never be able to remove the hold he still had over my mind nor heart.
We shared a connection that I’d tried to break.
But in just the few hours that I’d been home, I knew that I hadn't succeeded.
“This used to be your special place. Don’t go. Stay,” he said as he pulled me closer to him.
My mind screamed at me to realize the danger of his proximity.
My heart didn’t listen.
Just like old times, it flocked toward him instead of away from him.
“I shouldn’t stay here.” I shivered at my admission because the thought of going back to my room caused my heart to race.
“You’re probably right,” he said, and I turned to leave.
He tightened his hold on my arm, and I turned around to face him, a questioning look on my face.
“I can tell you’re having a hard time being home. Stay,” he insisted in the whisper of his words.
I shouldn’t have stayed.
But I did.
Without uttering another word, I nodded.
I climbed into the bed and under the covers, determined to not get close to him. To stay on my side of the bed and play it safe.
Instead of climbing into the bed behind me like I thought he would, he walked over to the closet and I heard him rustling around.
I glanced behind me as Gentry spread out the air mattress.
When did that get put up here and why?
He blew up the air mattress and spread out the sheets and a blanket, tossed a pillow down, and shut off the bathroom light.
I laid my head back on the pillow and listened to the air mattress creak as he got comfortable.
“Sweet dreams, my beautiful girl,” he whispered.
My eyes closed as I took in his words.
I hadn’t missed the fact that he’d called me his beautiful girl.
If only it were that simple.
That night my dreams were sweet.
I dreamt of the future I could’ve had with him.
And that broke my heart even more than the day I’d walked away from him.
From us.