Chapter 9 – Gentry
nine
GENTRY
Feeling her unfold in my arms at the sight of my tattoo tore at my insides.
I hated seeing her tears. Especially since they were caused by the nickname of our daughter.
It also tore me up inside because she thought I’d dealt with my grief.
Only I hadn’t. I focused more on the emotions I felt instead of the loss.
Over time, I dealt with it the only way I knew how.
Work. I came in every day on a mission. To get so exhausted I couldn’t think.
Sawyer and her brothers knew better than to stop me.
They'd let me stay long after they’d left.
I thought it was also because none of them knew what to say.
I’d lost someone near and dear to us along with losing the young woman I loved.
When she pulled away from me and turned toward the house, I let her go.
I watched her walk to her family home with her head hung in defeat.
Her emotions were on even more of a high alert, and she needed this time for herself.
Pulling out my phone, I sent a group text.
Me: I think Ainsleigh is done for the day.
Sawyer: Why? What happened?
Brooks: Slacker
Leo: I knew she wouldn’t be able to hack it, LOL
Holden: Did you do something to make her mad on her first day?
I knew Holden would be the one to think that. He was my best friend, but he knew me so well. He knew I wouldn’t be able to rein in my feelings for her. For once, he was wrong.
Me: She saw my tattoo.
Holden: Is she okay?
Brooks: Is she okay?
Leo: Already makin’ my sister cry?
Leo always had to make light of any situation. It was who he was. He could never handle any type of tough situation. It was his defense mechanism after he’d gotten his heart broken.
Sawyer: How’d she handle that?
Me: She’s as okay as she can be. I told her to take the rest of the day. I hope I didn’t overstep, but she looked like she needed it.
I shouldn’t have lied, but I didn’t want them to heckle her for slacking on her first day back, even if the reason, in my opinion, was justified.
They all replied that they understood, and I was thankful she had such a close-knit family who understood her needs.
After I buttoned my shirt, I went out and finished my tasks.
Her brothers were out on guided hikes with some of the vacationers.
Courtright Ranch was a popular destination for families in the summer, but hunters in the fall and winter.
During hunting season, more men would arrive to hunt the big game here.
During these months, we saw more families than anything else.
Teaching a child to ride a horse brought all of us joy.
We wanted the younger generation to gain a love for riding the way we’d all grown up.
Seeing this family succeed in that made me feel whole. They were all amazing people.
Especially for letting me in.
An outsider.
Even after she’d left, they still made me feel welcome.
Right before the sun set, I put up the horse I’d used to check the fencing across the grounds, making sure to brush him before I left him for the day.
Entering the Courtright home, I noticed Lillian was cleaning up the dishes from dinner, with Ainsleigh nowhere in sight.
“I put your plate in the microwave. I can heat it up for you in a second,” she said with a worried expression on her face.
“You don’t need to do that. I’ll do it in a minute. What’s the matter?”
I knew it had something to do with the woman who still held my heart in her hands.
She let out a breath as she placed the plates on the counter by the sink.
“I’m worried about her. She puts on this brave front, but I know it’s a facade. I almost wish I hadn’t insisted she come home after graduation. I was selfish in wanting my baby girl home. Being here is taking a horrible toll on her.”
“She couldn’t run forever.”
“Go easy on her, Gentry. She’s more fragile than I feared.
I should’ve known she hadn’t taken my advice and sought help while she was away.
She refused for us to even mention Bella—or you, for that matter—while she was away.
I just thought it was because she needed time.
It’s apparent to me now that she needed far more than that. ”
“I won’t hurt her, Lillian. I won’t be the cause of her runnin’ from her home ever again,” I confessed. Her mother had always been so easy to talk to. My secrets and fears always fell off my tongue before I even realized I’d let them out when I was around her.
“I trust your judgment. Don’t make me regret sayin’ that. And please don’t break her any more than she already is. I don’t know if she’ll come back from it,” she pleaded with tear-filled eyes.
“I promise I won’t do anything to hurt her. I’ll give her grace and understanding. I love her even though I wished I didn’t.”
“I know you do, son. That’s why you’re still here.
I know your love runs deep for my precious baby girl.
I don’t always understand it. The only way I coped with y’all fallin’ so hard for each other was remembering the way I’d felt about her father at such a young age.
Love like the two of you have is rare, and I hope for both of your sakes you can find a way back to each other. ”
“That’s not going to happen, Lillian. I love her, but I can’t be with her ever again. I hope you can understand that.”
Her mother tended to meddle in all our lives, but I needed to make my stance clear. She could think that we were meant for each other, but we weren’t those same people anymore.
“A mother can only hope. Y’all were perfect together. Even though your love was young love, y’all were both so happy once upon a time.”
Yeah, we were. That was the keyword. There was no point in hashing out old feelings. Neither of us would benefit from living in the past.
“Don’t, Lillian. Neither of us can go there. Do you even know if she plans on staying?”
According to Lillian, Ainsleigh had been hush, hush about her plans.
“We never discussed it. I just thought she’d come back here and see how much she’d missed home, and plan to stay.”
Her mother looked so hopeful that it pained me to think that Ainsleigh would ever have thoughts of leaving this place.
But from the pain she’d been in yesterday and how she couldn’t even sleep in her old room, I’d say she was struggling being back home.
From past experiences, when she was hurt, she ran, and when she ran, it wasn’t good for anyone involved.
My heart couldn’t handle losing her again.
I'd barely recovered from losing her once. I wouldn’t recover a second time.
No matter how much I loved her, I had to stay away. For both of our sakes.
I heated my plate of food in the microwave and turned to face Lillian, taking a bite of the mac and cheese that melted in my mouth. My stomach grumbled at how hungry I was.
“I hope for everyone’s sake that she plans to stay, but y’all have to be prepared that she might not.
” Sawyer and the Courtright brothers had blinders on when it came to Ainsleigh.
They were all happy for her return. Rightfully so.
But I had to remain the impartial one and the realist. I didn’t trust her enough to stay.
“We’ll just have to show her how much she’s missin’ by being away.
I’ll keep praying for Ainsleigh to find her way,” her mother said with a sneaky look on her face.
That look didn’t bode well for me. She was planning something.
I could see it in her eyes as she looked over at me before leaving the kitchen.
God help me with that woman and whatever she had planned.
I knew her well enough to know that whatever it was, I wasn’t going to like it and it would likely put me and Ainsleigh in a position I didn’t want us to be in.
I finished my dinner and washed my dishes, putting them away.
I needed to get away from here. There was still light in the sky. I just needed time to think. Away from all the noise and the meddling of this family.
With my mind made up, I headed to the only place I ever got any solace and clarity.
The confession tree.
Lord knows, I had plenty to confess. Even if there wasn’t anyone around to hear me, I needed to get my thoughts in order before I saw Ainsleigh again. I had to remember all the pain she caused me because if I didn’t I’d likely get my heart broken all over again.
The more I walked the more my mind raced. I tried and failed because every time I tried to steer my thoughts away, they always returned to the person I shouldn’t be thinking about.
Her.
I had so many questions that I needed answers to.
I’d wanted to know how she could just leave me here without a second thought.
That hurt the most.
After everything we’d been through together, I wasn’t enough for her to stay.
We should’ve been grieving and healing together.
But she left me here to grieve all alone.
I had to remember that. The anger I felt at her leaving needed to be on the forefront of my mind.
I had to listen to my head and remain indifferent when it came to her.
The walk was quicker than I needed it to be. I looked down at my feet as I walked, making sure not to get surprised by any snakes that could be out here in the field.
Looking up, I saw her sitting with her back against the tree.
She looked so troubled as her gaze focused on the sky above.
I couldn’t tell from this far away, but it appeared that she was crying with the way her shoulders shook.
I should walk away. No good would come from me walking over to her.
The sight of her tears always did me in.
I never could handle her being in pain or upset.
Clearly, I was a glutton for punishment.
Because instead of walking away, I walked toward the woman who’d broken my heart.
The woman who would likely break me all over again if I let her.
Because knowing she was upset, I couldn’t leave her out here alone regardless of the heartbreak that might follow.