Chapter 23 – Ainsleigh #2
“When I’m alone in my thoughts, I often think about who’d she’d be today.
If she’d look more like me or you. If she’d have my stubborn streak or a heart of gold like you.
If she’d have curly hair like mine. If she’d love horses just as much as we do,” I told him as I looked down and picked at the blades of grass between us.
I tried so hard to keep my emotions in check, but it was hard. I wanted to remain strong for him.
Gentry remained silent. I could feel his eyes on me. I looked up and his cheeks were now fully wet with tears.
Seeing his tearstained face, I couldn’t hold back anymore. The need to comfort him consumed me.
I sat up on my knees, and slid closer to him, before I pulled him into my arms.
“I’m so sorry, Gentry,” I said as he let his emotions come full force.
He sobbed into my shoulder as I held him.
I tried to remain strong for him, but I couldn’t withhold sobs of my own. Hearing him fully break down, I let my own tears fall.
We held each other as we grieved the loss of our beautiful little girl.
I pulled back as my knees began to ache, and Gentry uncrossed his legs, laying them on either side of mine. He pulled me to him, and settled me into his lap. I leaned into him, and rested my head on his shoulder, as he wrapped his arms around me.
“You know what hurts me the most when I think about her?” he whispered.
“What’s that?”
“Her story didn’t even get a chance to begin,” he confessed though a sob. I felt his tears hit the side of my face.
Hearing those words, my heart broke even more. Because he was right. She didn’t even get a chance at life and it wasn’t fair. Death took her before her story had a chance to be written.
“I know. It’s not fair. I miss her so much.”
“Me too, butterfly. Me too. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing we’ll see her again someday,” he said. His words brought a little comfort at the thought of seeing her again.
I nodded into his shoulder, as I turned slightly to wrap my arms around him. Holding him tight as we cried.
As our sobs started to ebb, I pulled back and looked up to the sky.
Just overhead, a beautiful butterfly flew and I smiled.
“Happy birthday, my beautiful Bella,” I whispered.
Gentry looked up to the sky and smiled when he saw the butterfly.
“Happy birthday, sweet girl,” he said before he looked back down at me.
As we stared into each other’s eyes, I felt like a part of me healed a little sharing this moment with Gentry.
It made me wish we’d shared these moments in the past as we grieved our loss.
But I couldn’t go back and change that no matter how much I wished I could.
I could only make sure we continued to share them going forward.
“I’m sorry, Gentry,” I told him, and he gave me a questioning look.
“I should’ve been there for you,” I started as I took a deep breath.
“We can’t change the past, butterfly. We can only move forward.”
I nodded into his shoulder. While he was right, I’d always regret not being there for him when he needed me the most.
“I want to show you something. I know I told you about it, but I feel like today is the perfect day for you to see it up close and personal,” I whispered.
He gave me a questioning look as I pulled back and kicked off my flip flop.
I held my foot in the air with my knee bent and showed him the beautiful tattoo of Bella’s footprint.
He sucked in a breath as he took in the tattoo.
Gentry removed his arm from around my waist as he reached over and ran his thumb across the black ink.
“It’s breathtaking,” he whispered as he continued to trace the outline of the tiny footprint.
“Yes, it is,” I agreed.
For a few more moments he studied the image before he gave one final caress and wrapped his arm back around my waist.
“Can I see her handprint?” he asked.
I couldn’t deny him.
I turned in his lap, and pulled the arm of my shirt down to reveal my shoulder.
Gentry’s fingers shook against my skin as he traced each line of her handprint.
He leaned forward and rested his head against my shoulder. I felt his breath against my back. I wanted to turn around and console him, but I remained still and let him have this moment as he remembered our daughter.
When he lifted his head, I was about to turn in his lap, but the feel of his lips against my shoulder caused me to refrain. His lips lingered for a beat as he kissed the spot where each of her fingertips were.
My lips trembled at the sweet moment, and I bit my lip to hold back a sob.
When he was finished, he wrapped his arms around my middle and pulled my back flush to his chest. With my eyes closed, I rested my head against his shoulder and turned it slightly.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes to find Gentry staring down at me, his breath fanned across my face, our lips so close they were almost touching.
I couldn’t move as we stared into each other’s eyes. So much love stared back at me. And I knew I’d do anything for this man, including opening my heart up to him.
“I know earlier when we talked, that I didn’t fully express myself, but I need you to know that you were never forgotten Gentry.
I talked about how much I missed my family.
About how much I loved getting to know them again, but I refrained from mentioning you because I wanted to guard both of our hearts.
I never want to hurt you again, Gentry. I never want you to feel like you don’t matter ever again.
I know I made you feel that way by leaving, especially by how I left.
And I’ll never be able to put into words how sorry I am for hurting you that way.
I don’t know how you forgave me, but I’m grateful you did.
I’m scared of the future. Of what it holds.
But I should’ve mentioned you earlier. I stayed earlier, but I’m so glad I found you and that we had this moment together. ”
“Thank you for finding me. I didn’t want to be alone today.”
My heart hurt at the thought of him spending today alone, and I’m glad I followed my gut to find him.
“She’ll always be a part of us,” I told him as I tightened my hold on his arms.
“Yes she will,” he replied, as he kissed my temple.
Gentry was truly the sweetest man, and I needed to find a way to show him just how much he meant to me.
I’d tell him today, but today was for Bella.
We sat in silence a while longer just enjoying beauty around us. The sky a beautiful shade of light blue. Hills as far as the eye could see. Just two of the reasons my entire family loved this spot.
“Are Dylan and Aspen still leaving today?” Gentry asked, breaking the silence.
“Yeah. I should probably head in to see them off,” I said, not wanting to leave this beautiful moment.
“Let’s head inside so you can say goodbye,” he suggested, and I reluctantly stood. I turned and offered Gentry my hand to help him off the ground, which he graciously took.
We both smiled at each other before we set off in the direction of the house.
On the walk back, our hands brushed each other’s a couple of times. After the second time, I took a chance and linked my fingers between his. Peeking over at him, a smile graced his lips before he gently squeezed my hand.
I felt lighter with each step. Like another small part of my heart had healed back at the tree.
We rounded the house, and found Aspen and Dylan loading their bags into the moving truck.
“Y’all heading out?” I asked as we made our way over to them.
“Yeah. We put all the boxes in your closet so they were out of the way,” Aspen said as she threw her bag in the back, and met me the rest of the way.
“You’re a godsend. Thank you,” I told her as I withheld tears.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” I said as I let go of Gentry’s hand and pulled her in for a hug.
“I’ll only be two hours away. And that’s what video calling is for.
We’ll still talk all the time. Let me know when you make that therapist appointment.
I want to know all about it. And of course, I want to hear all about you and Gentry falling back in love,” she whispered in my ear as she hugged me tight.
I laughed at her optimism.
“I’m not sure if that’ll happen, so don’t get your hopes up.”
“I’m a hopeless romantic. Sue me.”
That she was. Now she needed to focus on how hopelessly in love she was with the third half of our trio.
“Text me when y’all arrive in Sunset River, and please drive safe,” I said as I released her. Dylan walked over and I gave him a long hug goodbye.
“We will,” they both said in unison as they each gave me one last hug.
Aspen and Dylan both said goodbye to Gentry before they got into the truck.
Gentry and I walked over to the porch and up the steps, turning, I waved until my best friends disappeared from sight. I couldn’t take my eyes off the driveway; dust still hadn’t fully settled yet from the moving truck making its way down.
Taking a deep breath, anxiety filled me at the realization that I wouldn’t see them every day anymore. We were going our separate ways in life, but hopefully our friendship would stand the test of time.
“What’re you goin’ to do for the rest of the day?” Gentry asked, startling me out of my thoughts.
“Do you want to watch some movies? I kinda just want to veg out on the couch,” I suggested, hoping he’d take me up on my offer.
“That sounds good to me,” he agreed with a smile as he held out his hand to me.
I gladly accepted as we walked hand in hand into the house.
We spent the next few hours watching movies, cuddled together on the couch, taking breaks to make popcorn and make sandwiches.
The credits had just rolled on the last movie when I turned to find Gentry had fallen asleep. I turned and watched the rise and fall of his chest before I looked at his face. He looked so peaceful, that I didn’t have the heart to wake him.
I stood from the couch and stretched, my muscles needing it after sitting for so long.