Chapter 30 – Ainsleigh #3
“I see a bright, resilient young woman who at a young age had to face something horrendous that most adults couldn’t handle.
You did what you needed to do to survive.
Based on everything you’ve told me, everyone’s forgiven you for leaving, but you haven’t forgiven yourself.
I also see someone who’s still grieving a horrible loss, but who’s afraid of healing.
Can you explain to me why you’re scared to move past the loss of your daughter? ”
“Because I feel like if I move past it, I’m leaving her behind. I feel like if I don’t hold onto my grief I’ll forget about her, and I never want to do that. I never want to feel like she doesn’t matter in my life because she does. She always will.”
“Moving past your grief isn’t leaving her behind.
It’s accepting the loss and processing it in a way that allows you to move forward with your life.
You’ll never forget her. She will always be a part of you, but not healing from your loss will only hinder you from living your life to its fullest potential. ”
Everything she said made perfect sense, but every time I thought about healing and moving on, my heart ceased to beat for a moment and panic set in.
Our time neared to an end, and I was thankful I kept the appointment. She gave me so much to think about, and my heart didn’t feel as heavy as it did at the beginning.
“I’d love to see you again in a week. For your homework this week, I’d love for you to start a journal.
Writing down your feelings and thoughts no matter if they are good or bad can be freeing.
Try writing letters to your daughter. About anything or nothing at all.
They don’t always have to be about how much you miss her; they can be about something that made you think of her, something that made you smile that day.
Anything, really. And if you feel like you are in a panic mode, remember the breathing techniques you learned that you mentioned in your intake forms. Ground yourself, and I encourage you to be more open with Gentry.
You share grief together, but you should also celebrate the little things in life.
Next week I’d like to talk with you about the loss of your daughter.
I didn’t begin there this session because I knew it would be hard for you, and I wanted you to prepare. ”
We ended the session, and I made my next appointment.
I felt freer than I had in a long time. I felt comfortable with her.
There was something about her, maybe the way the tone of her voice calmed me, maybe the way I never felt like she judged me when I confessed my feelings.
Whatever the case, I was glad I came. I felt like my life was moving in the right direction to heal.
An hour later I returned home, feeling both drained and lighter at the same time.
I checked my phone the moment I parked in the driveway. I’d forgotten to take off do not disturb mode, and the second I did my phone blew up with notifications from Gentry and the group chat with Aspen and Dylan.
I didn’t bother reading any of them. I just sent a quick text to Gentry to let him know I was back home.
I needed to go inside and have a talk with my mama.
I wanted to see how she felt about me moving into the house and tell her my reasoning for doing so.
I didn’t think I was making a rash decision.
I felt like my life was finally looking up and making sense for the first time in a long time.
I entered the house, sighing as I took off the heels, kicking them under the table in the entryway.
I’d get them later, but I couldn’t stand being in them a second longer.
Another reason maybe corporate life wasn’t meant for me.
I chuckled to myself as I ran upstairs to change into something more comfortable.
After changing into a pair of denim shorts and a Courtright Ranch T-shirt, I threw my hair in a ponytail as I raced down the stairs in search of my mama.
I was excited about my new decision, and I hoped she agreed it was the right move for me.
Even if she didn’t, I hadn’t felt this excited about something since I’d been home, aside from my dates with Gentry.
“Mama,” I called out from the hallway as I rounded into the kitchen.
I found her preparing the marinated chicken breasts that sat on the counter.
“Hey there, beautiful girl. How’d your therapist appointment go?”
I sat on one of the barstools on the opposite side of the island, ready to have this conversation.
“It went better than I thought it would. We had some hard conversations, but I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders after our session. One of the things we discussed is what I want to talk to you about,” I said as I chewed on my bottom lip.
She stopped what she was doing, moving everything out of the way, as she gave me her undivided attention.
One of the things I loved most about my mom was that regardless of what she was doing, when one of her children needed her, she stopped whatever she was in the middle of and made the time to listen.
“I know you offered to move rooms for me, and I’m grateful, but I feel like I need my own space.
I had a place of my own the entire time I was away at college; albeit I shared those spaces with friends, it was still something I could call my own.
How would you feel if I moved into Nana and Papa’s old house? ”
There it was, out in the universe. She could agree with me or tell me it was the worst idea, but at least I had the courage to begin the conversation. I’d avoided hard talks with anyone unless presented with them from someone else. It felt good to express my wants and needs in a healthy way.
“I think it’s a great idea. The house is yours, and I was just waiting until you were ready to even present that as an option for you. I love having you back home, but I understand your need to have your own space,” she said with a smile and a wink.
I knew what that wink meant, and I pursed my lips and raised my brow at her insinuation.
“It’s nothing like that. I just need my own space. I do have a question for you, though. I need to prepare myself for what I’ll walk into when I go over there.”
“If you’re talking about the nursery, we packed everything a few months after you left.
All of the belongings are packed safely in the attic.
I hated doing that without you, but I felt like I had to do something in case you changed your mind about staying at college so far away, and I wanted to take some of the burden off you upon your return.
We painted the walls a soft sage green, but the room is still empty.
I wanted you to set it up the way you wanted when you were ready to claim what’s rightfully yours. ”
I thought I’d be angry that they’d packed up her belongings without me, but instead I felt relieved. I didn’t know if I’d ever have the strength to do it, and now I wouldn’t have to.
I got up from the barstool and walked over to my mom and pulled her into my arms.
She always knew what I needed without me ever asking, and I was so happy that I’d decided to stay in Texas. I’d missed my mama something fierce while I was gone, and now I couldn’t wait to spend as much time with her as possible.
“Thank you, Mama,” I said, hugging her like it would be the last time I’d get to do so.
“You don’t have to thank me, sweet girl. Anything I can do to help ease the ache that will never go away, just fade over time, I’ll do. That’s what mamas are there for,” she said as she held me tight.
She pulled back first, wiping away the tears I hadn’t even known were falling.
“I’m so proud of you, Ainsleigh. You’re pulling yourself back up and out of the trenches, and you’re going to do amazing things with your life. Even if those amazing things don’t include you working on this ranch,” she said, giving me a knowing look.
How did she know?
As if she could read my thoughts, she said, “A mother knows things without you even mentioning them. Just know, no matter what you decide, I’ll be happy for you.”
I didn’t know I needed my mother’s reassurance until I heard it from her lips.
“Thank you, Mama. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that,” I said with a tremble of my lips.
“Anytime, my beautiful girl. You want to help me get dinner ready?” she asked, shocking me because this woman’s kitchen was her domain, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to spend some time with her. I’d find time to talk with Gentry later; right now a girl just needed time with her mom.