Chapter 32 – Ainsleigh #2
I turned on the playlist I’d made when I was in college that included all upbeat music and connected it to the Bluetooth speakers and got to work.
A few hours later all five boxes were unpacked, my meager belongings now spread intricately throughout the space.
Walking into the kitchen, I set the oven to preheat as I went to take a shower to wash the day away. I took in the warmth of the water that eased the ache in my shoulders after I washed my body.
I shut off the shower and wrapped myself in a towel as I walked into my room to get ready.
Pulling out the baby blue sundress, I held it up and admired its simplicity. I wanted to look nice for our dinner even though we weren’t going out.
I pulled the material over my head and looked in the mirror on the dresser.
The color made my eyes shine a brighter hue of blue and I smiled, satisfied with my reflection.
The oven beeped, and I broke out of my thoughts and hurriedly walked into the kitchen.
I grabbed the ingredients from the fridge to make homemade pizzas. Well, the dough wasn’t homemade, but still.
I added all the toppings and sauce to the supreme pizza, making sure to cover it with a healthy amount of cheese. As I popped it into the oven, I heard a knock on the door.
Rushing over, I pulled the door open to find a handsome Gentry on the other side.
“You didn’t have to knock, silly. Come on in,” I told him as I fully opened the door so he could step inside.
Confusion marred his face as he looked around the living room.
“What’re we doing here, butterfly?” he asked, his voice laced with pain.
I knew coming here would be as hard for him as it was for me, but I tried to focus on the positives rather than the bedroom door at the end of the hall that still had the door closed.
I wanted us to walk into that room together, feel our shared pain, and hopefully, by the end of the night, we’d both feel a little lighter and wouldn’t look at the room with so much sorrow.
“Let’s talk about that over dinner,” I told him as I ushered him to follow me into the eat-in kitchen.
“I only grabbed water and soda at the store. Which would you prefer?” I asked as I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a soda for myself.
“I’ll have whatever you’re having,” he replied as I heard him pull out a chair and take a seat at the table.
After grabbing the other soda, I grabbed us each a glass and walked back to the table.
We sat in silence for a moment. I studied his face as he looked around the kitchen, taking it all in.
“What smells so good?”
“I made a homemade pizza. It’s one of the few things I mastered while at college.” I laughed as I recalled the memory of my first attempt. I burnt that pizza to a crisp, and smoke filled our apartment. So much smoke that the fire department got called.
Before he could reply, the oven beeped. He went to stand, but I told him to stay seated as I went over and pulled the pizza from the oven.
I cut the pizza as evenly as I could and plated our food. With a deep breath, I carried the plates back over to the table, readying myself to have the conversation Gentry patiently waited for us to have.
“One of the topics I discussed with the therapist was how I felt living back home with my parents and how haunted my old room makes me feel. I told her I had this house just sitting here, and she encouraged me to be open about my feelings with my parents. After my appointment, I talked in depth with my mom about either moving into another room, or moving in here. She settled one of my fears and told me the nursery had already been cleared out, which was one reason I knew would hold me back from moving. I told her how I felt like I needed my own space, and she encouraged me to make the decision that felt right for me.”
“I take it with us having dinner here, you decided moving in here was the best option?” The questioning look in Gentry’s gaze told me he thought I might not be ready to live on my own, but not once had I felt an ounce of anxiety in the hours I’d spent here today.
“I made a lot of decisions today, including accepting the position at the ranch,” I explained.
“Are you sure you’re not moving too fast and that you’re ready?”
I loved how he worried about me, but there was another reason I’d asked him to dinner.
“I’ve lived the past four years surviving, not taking any chances, just doing what I needed to do to get the best grades and graduate.
I felt like a lightbulb went off, and I’m ready to start my life.
Here in Texas. At the ranch I’ve loved my whole life.
With you by my side. I finally feel like I have a reason to live again and not just exist in a world where I buried my pain.
I know I’m going to have good days and bad days, but I’m ready to face them.
And when we’re done eating, I’m ready to face the next challenge together if you’re up for it,” I said as I blew on my slice of pizza before taking a bite.
Gentry took a bite of his and moaned.
“That’s delicious. What challenge would that be?” he asked as he finished chewing.
“You told me to lean on you when I needed to. I know I can’t go to her nursery alone, even if it is empty. So, I thought we could go in there and face it together.” I stared at him to gauge his reaction. He might not be ready, and that was okay. I’d wait until he was.
“I’m glad you came to me and didn’t go in there alone. I haven’t been in there since it’s been cleared out, but as long as you’re sure you’re ready, we’ll face it together.” He reached over and placed his hand on top of mine.
We finished eating as Gentry told me about his day and how much the kids enjoyed the hayrides and feeding the animals. I loved how his eyes lit up as he mimicked each kid's reaction. My heart swelled at the thought of this thoughtful man being a dad. He’d be such a good one.
We cleared the table after we finished eating, leaving the dishes in the sink. Both of us let out a sigh at what we were about to do. He grabbed my hand and asked if I was sure I was ready. He always put my feelings first, another reason why I loved him.
With a nod, he led me through the kitchen and down the hallway to the bedroom with the closed door on the right. We both stood in front of the door, both unmoving.
He reached for the knob because no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t muster up the strength to make the first move. I shut my eyes, ready, but not quite ready to look inside.
I held Gentry’s hand tighter as he led us into the empty space.
Breathe in for four.
Hold for seven.
Exhale for eight.
I repeated the breathing exercise two more times before my heart calmed enough for me to be ready to face the room.
I opened my eyes and took in the beautiful color paint on the walls.
A beautiful shade of green just like my mother had described.
The color reminded me of hope. The room was completely bare, but I could still see the spot where her crib sat against the wall to my right, the rocking chair on the opposite wall with a bookshelf that was full of books that I’d never gotten a chance to read.
The plain green wall used to have a beautiful mural of farm animals with a huge oak tree.
I looked at Gentry, and his eyes were full of tears as we both remained quiet, too caught up in our emotions to speak.
Without breaking the silence that loomed between us, I turned to Gentry, and he knew exactly what I needed. He pulled me into his arms where I fully broke down, sobbing into his chest. We both cried for what would never be and for the precious soul we’d never forget.
He pulled back, but remained quiet as he walked around me and went to the closet. I cocked my head to the side as I couldn’t imagine what he’d be searching for. My mother assured me everything had been cleared out of this room.
He pulled out something that was covered with a sheet, but didn’t pull it off to reveal the contents. By the shape of it, if I had to guess, it was a picture of some sort.
Gentry sat on the floor in front of me, then looked up at me with a pained expression.
“Can you sit with me, butterfly? I have a feeling you’ll need to be sitting down when you see what I’m about to show you,” he said, his voice quivered.
My legs shook as I sat on the floor as he requested. I had a feeling deep in my gut that whatever was hidden underneath that sheet would tear my heart in two.
“I had this commissioned a few months after you left. I never wanted to forget her and how beautiful she was, so I went to a local artist and explained what I hoped he could paint for me. I’ve never looked at it.
When it was delivered, I had your parents bring it over here until I was ready.
It didn’t feel right to look at it without you by my side,” he said as he looked down at the cotton-covered canvas.
“Let’s look at it together,” I told him as I moved to sit beside him, resting my head on his shoulder.
His hands shook as he moved the fabric to reveal the most beautiful painting I’d ever seen.
My breath hitched as I reached out and traced every beautiful detail of our daughter's sleeping face. We’d talked about doing a newborn photoshoot and placing her on a saddle, and this artist brought that vision to life. I wasn't sure how, but he’d even painted the oak tree behind her.
“This is amazing, Gentry. A beautiful tribute to our little girl,” I told him as the tears fell.
He placed the canvas on the floor in front of us and pulled me into his arms, sobbing. My heart broke for the both of us, but in that moment a part of me healed as we leaned on each other.
He pulled back, and we both wiped the tears from our faces. The wind picked up outside, and I heard the rain hit the windowpane. I didn’t even know we were expecting rain today.
“How about we go enjoy one of those rainy nights you said you love?” he suggested as he stood and held his hand out to help me up.
“That sounds perfect to me. But I get to choose the movie,” I said. I reached down and picked up the photo of our daughter. I knew the perfect place for it.
“Of course, you do, butterfly, but I’m vetoing your decision if you pick something sappy,” he joked as we walked into the living room.
“I’d never do that to you. I’d only do that to Holden.
” I laughed because every time I had a movie night with Holden, I always chose some romance movie.
The last one being The Notebook, where I happily told everyone he cried at the ending.
My brothers and Gentry didn’t let him live it down for weeks.
I placed the photo on the mantle above the fireplace and stood back to admire the beauty of it. Just as I thought it would be, it was the perfect addition. Now every time we entered the home, we had a memento to remember our beautiful baby girl.
Gentry admired my placement of the painting and told me just how perfect it looked.
We settled on the couch, and I picked an action movie. Gentry covered us with a blanket, and the world never felt righter as I laid in the arms of the man I never thought I’d have in my life again, but I knew one thing for certain. I’d never let him go again, no matter what life threw our way.