Chapter Thirty-Two
CHAPTER
THIRTY-TWO
The closer Beth got to the Brennan farm and Noah, the more nervous she got.
She wasn’t afraid to speak to him, because even though it would require complete honesty and vulnerability, she was confident in the point she wanted to make and the way she planned to get it across.
She wasn’t even scared anymore to share her belief that she was autistic, because Noah had proven time and time again that he would put her feelings before his own.
She truly believed that he would be kind and support her.
But would he want her? Would he want all of her?
Would he love her for her quirks and stand by her when it was difficult?
This, she didn’t know, and she couldn’t predict how he’d react to what she wanted to say.
By the time she pulled up in the circular driveway, she was shaking like a leaf, but despite her fear, she made it to his front door, prepared to fight for him, for them, for herself.
She lifted a quivering hand, knocked on the door and waited.
When he didn’t appear, she knocked again, but the silence that followed was deafening. Either he wasn’t at home or—
No. She refused to accept that he was ignoring her.
She went to the back of the house, but he wasn’t on the verandah. She peered through the back door but couldn’t see him inside. Maybe he was—
‘Beth?’
She spun around, mortified to be caught snooping.
Noah stood a short distance from the house, his boots and jeans dusty, his dark hair mussed and sticking to his temples, clearly just returned from whatever work he’d been doing around the farm.
His facial hair had grown out, longer than the sexy stubble she loved so much, but the beard worked for her, too.
He stared up at her, surprised but clearly hesitant. Wary.
‘Hi.’ Even with that lone syllable, her voice shook. She wasn’t sure what to make of the crease that formed on his brow, but when his features softened, hope sparked in her belly.
‘Hi yourself.’ His voice cracked. A beat passed.
‘Can we talk?’
‘I’d like that.’ He sat on the top step, his feet wide, and propped his elbows on his knees.
Beth sat down beside him.
‘How’ve you been?’ Noah glanced at her almost reluctantly, as if he’d wanted her to be the one to speak first but couldn’t quite keep himself from checking in with her.
She wanted to inch closer, to snuggle up to him and rest her head on his shoulder. He always knew how to make her feel safe. Cared for. Cherished.
‘I’ve been … actually, I’ve been doing okay recently. You?’
He shrugged and looked away. ‘Not great, to be honest.’
She wanted to weep for all the pain she’d caused him. ‘I’m so sorry, Noah. I know I pushed you away, but losing Flo was …’
For that, there were no words.
‘I freaked out,’ she admitted, her thumb working overtime as she pressed it into her opposite palm, trying to ground herself.
‘For years, it was always just me and Mum, and then I lost her. And as wonderful as it was letting you all into my life, I was terrified. Terrified of losing you. You gave me the strength to fight that fear, Noah. I started to imagine a life with you in it, and I wanted it so badly. But then … Flo was gone. And it was a very real reminder of how easily the people I love can be taken away from me. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you, too. ’
She watched him closely, studying his reaction and hoping he’d understand, but his stoic facade crumbled, his face contorting with anger and disappointment.
‘So you thought you’d just give me up instead?’
‘It was stupid, I know.’ Her own chin trembled. ‘But I’ve gained a lot of clarity in the last few days, and I’m ready to face my fears. Because I think love is worth the risk.’
That got his attention. He looked up at her, his expression hopeful yet hesitant. Obviously, he still harboured doubts.
Reaching into the back pocket of her jeans, she pulled out the only thing that might convince him and clutched it tightly.
‘Do you remember when we first met?’
‘In Elle’s kitchen? Of course.’ His gaze skimmed over her. ‘The moment is etched into my brain.’
Biting back a smile, she shook her head. ‘We met before that.’
‘No, we—’
‘We met as kids, Noah.’
Confused, he blinked. ‘What? When?’
‘Your parents told me that my dad brought me to Karlup for my grandmother’s funeral.
And yesterday, when I was looking through Pru’s old photos, the ones you gave me, I found this.
’ She handed him the picture, the original—she’d had a copy made for Ellie.
‘It was taken at the wake. That’s where we first met. You, me and Ellie.’
As Noah studied the photograph, his lips curved up and his smile grew bigger as he ran his thumb over their little faces.
‘I never told you,’ she continued, ‘that Flo gave me letters, written by my dad to Pru. Reading them I learned that Mum had trust issues. She hadn’t wanted to stay here in Karlup because she hadn’t trusted Dad’s family.
There’s more to it than that, I think, but Dad loved her and never stopped trying to convince her to bring me back to Karlup and raise me here.
He wanted to bring me home, Noah. For good.
’ Her chin trembled as the first tear fell.
‘This is where I belong. Here, in this place, in this town, with you and Ellie by my side. Home has always been here, just waiting for me to come and discover it.’
He met her gaze head on. ‘You’re not going back to Townsville?’
‘No. Going back would mean choosing a life of loneliness, and I’m so tired of being lonely.’
Noah’s fingers twitched and he handed her back the photograph. ‘And what does that mean for us?’
There it was. The question she couldn’t answer.
‘Honestly, I don’t know, but I do know that I want to be with you. For as long as you’ll have me. You’re the one, the only one, who has ever made me feel safe and loved. But …’ Fear sparked in her belly. ‘But there’s something I need to tell you.’
Standing, she pocketed the photo and pulled out what she’d written last night.
Through her friendship with Hana, she’d come to understand the value of putting her thoughts down on paper.
She wanted to be completely honest and open and real with Noah, so after her visit with Ellie, she’d pulled out a pen and a wad of paper and had written until her hand cramped. And then she’d written some more.
Now, she fingered the folded sheets of paper, determined yet nervous.
‘There’s so much I want to tell you, Noah, but there’s so much to get right, and I don’t want to express it the wrong way or risk forgetting anything, either.
So I wrote it all down, everything that’s happened, how I feel about it and what I want for the future …
and I want you to read it.’ She offered him the pages, her heart racing as she relinquished her hold on them.
‘Just know,’ she added, ‘that once you do, you’ll know everything, and if you decide you don’t feel the same way or want something different, then that’s okay. I’ll understand, and I don’t want you to feel bad, okay?’
‘Beth, I—’
‘Noah, please.’ He wanted to argue; she could see it in his eyes. ‘Just read it, and then if you want to talk, come and find me.’
She turned and walked from him, back to her car, and drove home, her mind racing the whole way, her thoughts on Noah and the content of the pages she’d written.
The words had poured from her, from a place inside her so deep and buried, she hadn’t even known it existed.
But if she had to recite those words now, she could do it—they were imprinted on her very soul.
She ran through them now in her head, imagining what Noah might be thinking as he read the words she’d left him with.
Before I came here, I was Bethany Sullivan—a woman who’d grown from a quiet and meek little girl, one who’d spent every waking moment trying not to do or say anything that made her mother sad, and those learned behaviours were hard to shake.
As I grew, my goal was never to draw attention to myself.
Ever. I hid in the shadows. I kept to myself. And I was lonely. So lonely.
Then, suddenly, I wasn’t Bethany Sullivan anymore.
I didn’t know who that was, or if she was ever meant to exist, but Bethany Campbell was a stranger, too.
She was someone who should’ve had a home, friends, a family, and although I yearned for those things desperately, I had no experience with them and didn’t know how to navigate a life with them in it.
But in coming here to Karlup, I found them.
This place and the people here welcomed me, accepted me as one of their own, and although I’ve tried to fight it, they managed to break through the barriers I’d built to protect myself—and I love them for it.
I don’t want to push them away anymore. Even if it means I might lose them one day. Love, I’ve learned, is worth the risk.
There have been other surprises, too. I’ve learned about my family and where I come from, and that knowledge has connected me to this place in a way I only ever dreamed about before.
What I never expected, though, was to learn more about my mother than I ever did when she was alive.
For so long, I resented Rosie for the life she forced me to live, but I know now there were reasons—the specifics of which I may never know.
Maybe it was her traumatic childhood and adolescence, maybe it was a personality disorder or something else, but at least now I understand that my mother was hurting and she’d tried to cope in the best way she knew how.
If only I could give her a hug and tell her it’s okay.
That I love her and forgive her. Wherever she is, I hope she knows that.