Chapter Twelve #2
“Miss Holly!” DJ threw his arms about her waist, followed by Blake from the other side. She hugged both boys in, smiling at Raley, who leaned into his mother’s waist and graced her with his shy grin, so much like Andy.
While she greeted the boys, listening to them wax poetic about their basketball skills, Colt exchanged a look with Andy, an almost panicked set to his features. “Come on and I’ll help you . . .”
“Load that stuff,” Andy supplied. A hand at Colt’s shoulder, he steered him toward the door. “Hey, Holly. Be right back, hon, and we’ll get the grill going.”
Shoving Colt ahead of him, Andy dropped a kiss on Grace’s cheek and ruffled Raley’s hair on his way out. Holly blinked at the door as it swung shut behind them. Okay, that reaction really pricked her feelings.
Her gaze jerked to Grace, who looked seriously uncomfortable before she shifted to a serene smile encompassing the three boys. “Who’s thirsty?”
A chorus of “Me!” followed the inquiry, and the awkward movement flowed into the busyness of helping the little boys fill cups with ice and water. From the carport, a couple of thuds carried inside, blended with low male voices. Her stomach folded up all over again, for no discernible reason.
Long minutes later, the men returned. The boys had disappeared into the living room to watch a cartoon and sip water, leaving Grace and Holly to talk about less emotive topics, like clothes and Thanksgiving plans.
When Colt followed Andy through the door, Holly honed in on his face, trying to gauge his mood and what was going on.
He was unreadable, expression as blank as those fresh sheets of paper Mr. Davis passed out for his awful cold-read timed essays.
Down the hall, small feet pattered on the hardwood before Laura burst into the room, threw herself at Andy, then spotted Colt. “Coco!”
His features relaxing into an affectionate grin, he held out his arms so she could clamber from Andy’s hold to his. “Well, hey, Lala.”
With a delighted sigh, Laura snuggled into his arms, her head on his shoulder, and popped her thumb into her mouth. Jiggling her so she laughed, Colt rubbed her back. He grinned at Andy over her curly head, and Holly melted. Oh, heavens, that was gorgeous. She wanted–
Yes. She wanted that, Colt relaxed and happy and loving, holding . . .
Oh. A wide smile pulled at her lips, the way he pulled at her heart.
“Are you going to sing to me?” Mumbling around her thumb, Laura patted his shoulder.
Smiling, he hooked his chin atop her head and flexed his arms about her. “I might.”
“The lollipop song?”
He tightened his embrace. “Of course.”
With a giggle, she lifted her head, levering off his chest to meet his eyes. “We’re having hot dogs.”
“I know.” He hefted her on his arm and smirked at Andy. “But not if your daddy doesn’t start that grill.”
“Suppose you want to show me how to do it right,” Andy returned with mild rancor, and Colt swung Laura to her feet. Hands pressed to the top of the counter, her nose barely at the top of the marble, she clamored for “a sip of soda, Mama.”
“That’s your problem, hon, since you started that little habit.” Shaking his head, Andy clapped a hand on Colt’s shoulder and gave him a light shove toward the back door.
Holly watched him go, the way his long limbs moved in that loose, easy stride of his. How could she want to hurry Tick along when he walked like that and want to do something completely different looking at Colt?
“Yep, that is totally strong feelings all over your face.” Grace splashed the barest hint of soda in a cup and handed it to Laura. Holly darted a glance at her, cheeks warm, finding Grace’s stance much more relaxed. “Okay, seeing you look at him like that? I feel much better.”
The evening held more of those moments when she caught a glimpse of the almost-carefree boy she’d once known. There’d always been an edge of solemnity to him, but tonight she saw who he could have been without that long-ago night. A visceral desire that had nothing to do with sex tugged at her.
She wanted to help him live that life, to be the reason he relaxed and smiled and forgot to punish himself.
He was distant tonight, though, holding himself apart from her, friendly and polite, but not her Colton. Her stomach knotted all over again, making eating impossible, even with the perfectly grilled burgers and fresh toppings.
He did sing to Laura, with her on his lap, his fingers a light clasp on her wrists so he guided her in clapping along to “Lollipop.” She giggled, burrowing into his chest once he’d finished, and he laughed, patting her head.
While they talked, she sat against his chest, playing with his fingers until her eyelids drooped and she drifted off in his easy hold.
With a quiet chuckle, Andy gathered her up and toted her off to bed.
With the boys in Raley’s room playing, they sat around, talking about everything and nothing for another hour, until finally she and Colt took their leave, Andy shaking his hand and Gracie hugging both of them before they stepped into the cool night.
Outside, she watched his set profile as they walked down the driveway, heavy dread settling over her once more.
“What’s wrong?” Her quiet question fell between them, hovering in the clear, chill air, and his gaze jerked to hers. For a moment, he stilled before his shoulders fell. She swallowed, her throat tight. “Don’t say nothing. You’re different with me than you are with them.”
With a rough exhale, he lowered the tailgate and hitched a hip on it. “I don’t think this is going to work, Holly.”
Her stomach bottomed out, a sickening swoop. Wanting to vomit, she stared at him. “Are you dumping me?”
“I’m suggesting we make a joint decision to call it quits.”
She couldn’t breathe, her lungs twisted into tight balls in her chest. “Colt.”
“We can still be–”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”
His brows jerked together, hard. “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“Colton.” Her hands shaking, she pushed her hair away from her face. This wasn’t happening. For three weeks now, she’d leaned into him, moving her heart away from Scott, letting herself dream and become more and more attached, and now he wanted to let her go? “Please don’t do this.”
“Look, Holly.” He spread his hands, a tormented light in his dark eyes. She clung to that tortured expression, clung to the modicum of hope it brought. “I–”
He broke off and cleared his throat. His Adam’s apple bobbed with a sharp swallow. Dread gathered in her, taking that small knot from earlier and kneading it, allowing it to rise, choking her.
“I have to be honest, and I have to give you a real choice.” His voice firmed, to match the serious set to his jaw. “I’m, uh . . . we both know I’m damaged, Hols.”
How dare he use that diminutive while he broke her heart? How dare he say this was about her, when really he wanted to protect himself — because caring about someone was risky as all get out. Of course he’d been hurt before, but they weren’t doing this his way. They just were not.
She lifted her chin. “You’re limiting yourself. It’s not the same thing.”
“Semantics won’t change–”
“You say you can’t forgive yourself until he does, but that is complete bullshit, Colt.
” Fury overrode the dread but still choked her, her words emerging tight and strangled.
She flung a hand toward Grace and Andy’s house, golden light spilling from their windows into the front yard.
“In there, the way you are? Happy and relaxed. You could have that, all the time, but you won’t let yourself. ”
Under his stare, she drew herself up, vibrating with anger. This was ridiculous, as infuriating as her father disappearing once he’d cut that last child support check. Why spend all those weekends dragging her away from Mama if he didn’t want a relationship with her?
“The worst part is that you think you’re making atonement, but you’re not.
You’re acting out of guilt or fear or something that makes no sense.
” Her eyes burned, and she blinked. She would not cry, even though she was mad enough to spit.
Stabbing a finger toward their friends’ house again, she stared him down.
“What do you gain by not letting us have that? How are you helping him by holding on to this?”
“I don’t deserve us.” His mouth went taut, his skin pale even in the dim light. “You get what I did, right?”
“I get that you were a kid who made a drunken mistake.” She folded her arms about herself, aching for him, for all of them. “You own that, but Colt, that one event, as awful as the aftermath was, can’t rule your life. That’s not right, either.”
He turned his face away, jaw clenched tight. Desperate frustration tried to fill up the hollow ache, and she swallowed hard, eyes burning.
“Colt.” Her voice broke.
His lashes fell, the line of his jaw firming to an impossible tension. His mouth thinned so it almost disappeared. She caught a glimpse of the tear escaping his lashes before he dashed it away with a terse movement. “I don’t know how to do what you want me to.”
But he wanted to, and the realization sent relief crashing through her, leaving her knees shaky, her body weak. She wound her fingers together, so tense her bones ached. She had to tread carefully here, as much as she wanted to kill him right now.
“We could find someone to help you,” she whispered.
The rough sound torn from his chest might have been a huh.
“Someone to help us so maybe we work on it together.” The words hung on the air like mist. She swallowed again, throat constricted, and pointed at Grace and Andy’s, more gently this time.
“So when you're with them, you don’t live in that moment. You live now. You’re not there with me yet, but we could be. If we both wanted that.”
“You know I want that.” He lifted his head, rubbed a hand over his face, but she glimpsed the wet glimmer along his dark lashes. “Hell.”
A memory flickered in her head, his joy and laughter as he played ball with the boys, as he held Laura, and her entire chest ached, longing for both of them. She longed for him to be happy, and she longed for—
She sucked in a shaky breath. She wanted him to be whole . . . and she wanted him, all of him, the sharp broken edges and the softer hidden places.
“It was nice tonight.” She kept her voice at that gentle whisper, the one she used with an injured, frightened animal.
He darted a tight, wary look at her, and she forced a slight smile, cupping her elbows in her palms, hugging her arms in close.
“Seeing you rest with your friends and not wear yourself out with the past. I’m glad you have them. ”
“Yeah.” His strangled voice was like velvet dragged over jagged rocks, tearing in places. “Me, too.”
Half-turning, she lifted a finger in the direction of her house. “Do you want to stay the night?”
He stilled, a sense of anticipation gathered about him like electricity before he shrugged. “I left Ralph in the backyard.”
“Oh.” She hated the idea of him going back to the cabin, isolated and alone. She was in deep with him, entwined in a way she’d never been with Scott, after only a few weeks. “I get it.”
His throat moved with a hard swallow. “You could bring Polo and stay at my place again.”
Her breath caught, relief crashing through her. “I’d like that.”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Me, too.”
“I can do slow, Colt.” Fingers knitted together, she bounced her hands against her thighs.
She moistened her bottom lip and jumped in.
“But I have those issues from my daddy, right? The ones about feeling unwanted and uncertain. Can we be finished with the back-and-forth part where you want to be with me but feel like you shouldn’t?
I know we have emotions to work out, but that part makes me feel insecure, and I hate it. ”
“I’m sorry.” If anything, the skin about his lips paled further.
Clutching her knuckles until they ached, she shook her head. “I don’t need an apology. I need to know we’re both committed and you won’t give in to your fear then up and leave me.”
For a long moment, he gazed at her, and her insides twisted like her hands. Seriously, though. She couldn’t live like this, in limbo with him. She’d done that forever with her father, then with Scott.
With Colt? The sensation was worse, testament to those burgeoning strong feelings she refused to define yet. She needed him to be in with her.
“No.” Shaking his head, he levered off the tailgate and stepped forward, almost close enough to touch. “I won’t leave you.”
“You promise?”
“I do.” One corner of his mouth quirked, almost a smile. “And you know all us Calvert boys are raised to keep our promises.”
“Yes, I do.” She took a step, lifting her fisted hands to rest on his chest. Gentle hands landed at her hips, a barely-there embrace. She lifted her gaze scant inches to hold his, dark and serious, steady and fathomless. “I think it’s all we Calvert boys.”
A light gleamed in his eyes, and this quirk of his lips was indeed a smile, a slight curve of his mouth that she felt all the way through her. He shifted a hand, long fingers curved about her nape, thumb brushing her earlobe in a butterfly-wing of a caress. “So I’ll see you at the cabin.”
“You will.” Flexing her fingers, she spread them over his chest, his heartbeat a steady thud under her palm. She lifted her face, seeking his kiss, their lips meeting in a gentle promise. “I’ll meet you there.”