6. Bertie
BERTIE
It’s been one week since our ill-fated trip to Rhode Island. Have I heard from my parents in the past seven days? Nope. Am I even a little bit surprised? Also no.
I’ve been avoiding Luke for the past week while I lick my wounds and try to get over my embarrassment that he had to witness what a mess my life is.
I’m so pathetic that I’m sitting in a booth at the nearest McDonalds sipping on an Emotional Support Sprite and trying not to cry. Normally, I can push past this kind of thing easier, so I’m blaming it on pregnancy hormones that I’m kind of losing my shit right now.
“I thought I saw your car.” I nearly scream at the voice and startle when I find my best friend Rosie sliding into the booth across from me. “Since when do you hang out here?”
I lift the aforementioned Emotional Support Sprite. “The baby wanted one.”
“Ah,” she says, nodding in understanding. “Makes sense.”
Does it? Unlikely.
“I haven’t seen you this week,” she says accusingly.
I haven’t been staying away from her, but in my need to avoid Luke it means I haven’t crossed my usual paths with Rosie.
“Been busy.”
“I know you saw your parents. I had to find out from Luke, not you, which is annoying since you’re my best friend and I’d rather learn things from you first.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
She reaches across the table and places her hand over top of mine.
“Bertie, I know your parents. They’re unfortunately similar to mine.
I’m convinced it’s something to do with having more money than humanly necessary that somehow automatically makes them a shitty person. But it’s not a reflection of us, okay?”
“Sure,” I mutter.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I tap my fingers against the side of the plastic cup. I should talk about it, but frankly she’s not the person I owe an explanation to for my behavior.
“I need to talk to Luke.”
“Seriously,” she huffs. “Like a week ago when you got back is when you should have talked to him.”
I wince. “I deserve that.”
“I’m not trying to be harsh,” she says, eyeing my cup like something is bothering her.
Before I can ask her what the problem is, she grabs a napkin off the table and wipes the plastic free of condensation.
“Sorry, that was driving me nuts. Anyway, back to you and Luke—he’s a good guy, Bertie.
I’m not saying you have to date him just because you’re pregnant, but he is going to be in your life because you are.
You need to learn to communicate with him. ”
Tommy always told me I was overly communicative. That I didn’t need to confide every thought that popped into my head with him. In hindsight, he just didn’t care, but his words did their damage and now with this thing with Luke I freeze up and don’t communicate.
“I’ll talk to him,” I say, lifting my chin with more surety than I feel.
She arches a brow like she doesn’t quite believe me.
“Are you really?”
“Yes,” I grind out.
I would call her out for acting like a meddlesome mother hen, but considering it took me weeks before I told Luke I was pregnant I can’t quite blame her.
“I swear,” she goes on, flipping her long chocolate brown hair over one shoulder. “I’ve never seen as much of that guy as I do lately. He’s at our place all the time. I guess he thinks since we’re best friends he might catch you there.”
With a sigh and then a slurp of my soda, I say, “I got your point, Rosie.”
“It’s like right now,” she continues, undeterred. “There’s a sad sap giant hockey player at my house sulking on the couch and asking Daire dad questions.”
My heart does this funny stutter-stop thing. “He’s asking about that?”
“I mean, Daire thinks he’s a certifiable expert now so who better for him to ask.” Rosie gives a soft laugh. “I have to admit, he kind of is an expert, but don’t tell him I said that. I think some people are gifted when it comes to being a parent and he certainly is.”
The pure love in her eyes makes me happy. If anyone in the world deserves to be loved, it’s Rosie.
“So,” she says, sliding toward the edge of the booth. “Let’s get you to my house, okay?”
“Fine,” I agree.
I toss my cup in the trash and follow her to the parking lot. I expect her to insist on driving me herself, but instead she says she’s going to follow me to her place.
The townhouse isn’t too far from campus and in a nice neighborhood.
I haven’t asked Rosie if her and Daire plan to stay there or move after graduation.
There are so many questions I’ve been avoiding when it comes to myself and my friends.
This baby is enough change for me and my brain is currently rejecting the possibility of anything else in my life being upended.
Even if I know the baby is only the beginning of the changes I’m going to be dealing with over the coming months.
I park on the street behind Luke’s truck. Rosie passes me and pulls into the garage. She hops out quickly and stalks down the driveway toward me.
“I’m coming,” I call out as I get out of the car. I shoulder my purse and make sure I’m not leaving anything inside the car that I might need.
“Stop stalling,” Rosie calls me out.
Closing the car door, it beeps as it locks and I follow her into the garage and from there into the townhouse.
“Look who I found,” Rosie announces as we take our shoes off. “Found her at McDonald’s holding onto a Sprite for dear life.”
I give her a scathing look for daring to throw me under the bus like that.
She just smiles and flips her hair.
Daire comes around the corner from the kitchen with a drink in hand. He throws his free arm around her shoulders and pulls her in for a kiss. “Missed you.”
“I was gone like fifteen minutes. Twenty tops.”
He shrugs and lets her go. “Still missed you, babe.” He turns to me with a soft smile. “Hey, Bertie. Lost and found pick up is this way.” He jerks his head for me to follow.
In their family room, I lose my breath when I see Luke lying on the rug and grinning at Sammy. The baby is almost one, and while he’s beginning to lose a bit of his baby look—the edges of toddlerhood just beginning—it still sends my brain into a spiral at the idea of Luke with our baby.
Luke hasn’t noticed me yet and he hands Sammy a square block. The baby takes it and shoves it at his toy where it looks like he’s supposed to match the shapes up.
“Nice try, kid, but that’s a circle,” Luke chuckles. “Try this one.” He taps his finger against the square spot.
Daire clears his throat. “We have a visitor.”
Luke’s head whips my direction, his lips parting in surprise when he sees me. He gives Sammy a soft pat on his head before he hops up from the floor.
“Hey,” he says, quickly closing the distance to stand in front of me. Rosie scoops up Sammy, smattering kisses all over his cheeks before her and Daire slip from the room and leave the two of us alone. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
I like that he doesn’t beat around the bush.
I let my eyes drop. “I was embarrassed.”
His warm finger presses under my chin, forcing my gaze up so I can’t shy away from his bewildered expression. “Embarrassed? Why?”
My shoulders droop with my exhale. “Because you saw how my parents reacted. How my mom still wants me to get back together with Tommy and how they talked about you and…” I bite my bottom lip, fighting back tears.
“I guess I’m terrified of you thinking less of me because of them, so I avoided you … again.”
He stares at me for a long moment and I will myself not to squirm.
“Bertie.” He shakes his head and plants his hands on his hips.
Inhaling a deep breath, he says, “You do not need to feel embarrassed because of them. I didn’t, not for one second, think that it reflected badly on you.
They are their own people, and you are separate from them.
You got me?” His eyes hold mine, making sure I’m listening.
I give a tiny, jerky nod. “Their actions are not a reflection of you. You remember what you asked of me?” I shake my head no.
“You made me promise that our baby would never feel unloved by us, and fuck Bertie … it pisses me off that you’ve ever felt like you weren’t loved by them.
You deserve so much better than that. And the fact that you made me promise that shows how different you are than them.
” I sniffle, wiping beneath my eyes with the oversized sleeves of my sweater. “Don’t ever feel that way again. Okay?”
I give a teary, jerky nod.
This man is constantly seeing me at my lowest and somehow, he hasn’t run away screaming yet.
I don’t deserve him, but baby or not I would be crazy to let him go.
While I’m not sure where I stand on wanting to call us a couple yet, I do know that the chances of me ever meeting someone as incredible as him is slim.
“Never be afraid to talk to me,” he goes on, reaching for my hand. I let him take it and his warmth soaks into me. “I’m never going to judge you.”
“Thank you.” I squeeze his hand.
“No more avoiding me from now on.” He gives me a small smile, a dimple popping out on his cheek.
It’s not a question, but I answer anyway. “I won’t.”
Sobering, he asks, “You didn’t have any doctor’s appointments this week, did you?”
“No.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. “I would’ve told you if I did.” He gives me a serious look and I laugh. “I mean it. It’s not until the end of April. We still have time.” I give his hand a squeeze.
“Okay.” He seems to breathe a little easier. “I really want to be here for you, Bertie, and when you go radio silent on me it … it makes me twitchy. I worry about you and the baby.”
I lower my head in shame. I hadn’t even entertained the idea of him being worried. Ignoring his texts and any place I thought I might run into him on campus was rude and I feel like shit, even though I know he’s not trying to make me feel bad.
“I’ll do better,” I promise. “I’ve just been…” I flounder for an explanation. “All of this has kind of messed with my head and it’s made me turn inward. If it makes you feel better, I haven’t even been confiding in Rosie like I normally do.”
“She really hasn’t.”
“Rosie!” I groan when I turn and find her poking her head into the open archway.
“Oops!” She quickly scurries away.
Face flaming, I grumble, “I should’ve known she was eavesdropping.”
“I was too! Don’t blame, Rosie!” Daire’s voice booms from a distance like he’s just run away.
“So meddlesome.” I can’t help but laugh. “I love them, though.”
With a serious expression that I’m not used to seeing on Luke’s handsome face, he says, “You can’t keep shutting me out, B. It’s not fair.”
“I know.”
“I gave you your space because I thought you needed it, but I was worried about you.”
“I’m sorry.”
And I really am.
I hedge saying anything at all, but I figure honesty is the best policy.
“I used to not do this—run away and hide my feelings, but Tommy … he said I was too emotional and that I blabbered and that was why we fought so much because I couldn’t learn to just keep my mouth shut and I guess I don’t want to do the same with you. ”
“With me?” His eyes have narrowed to deadly slits.
“Y-Yeah,” I stutter. “I don’t want to scare you away with all my feelings.”
A pained look crosses his face. “Bertie, your feelings don’t scare me at all.
In fact, I want them. Any thought that pops in your head you want to share?
Give it to me. I’m asking for it. Tommy was an asshole who didn’t deserve you.
I hate that he ever made you feel like your thoughts and feelings aren’t important. ”
“I’ll try to be better,” I promise.
The warmth of his hand wraps around my wrist and he tugs me in to press a kiss to the top of my head. “That’s all I ask.”