15. Luke
LUKE
I thought the CPR class would make me feel better, but if anything, I feel more stressed.
Babies and children are so sensitive to anything and everything it seems. There is comfort in knowing what to do in an emergency, though.
Hopefully we’ll never need to use that knowledge, but we’ll be prepared, nonetheless.
Outside of the building we say goodbye to Daire and Rosie. I’m glad they could join us, but I think Daire was just as shaken by all the things we learned as I was.
Based on the information they gave us, I will be insisting we put our baby in water safety classes as soon as possible.
Yanking off my baseball cap, I rub the back of my head. Flipping it around backwards I put it back on and I swear Bertie makes some kind of squeaky noise.
“You okay?” I ask as we head toward the side of the building where I parked her SUV. We would’ve come in my truck but it started making an odd noise, so I want to take a look at it before I take her out in it again.
“Yeah, I’m glad we did that, but it was a lot to process.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. Several small silver piercings decorate her lobe.
“I was thinking,” I begin when we reach the car and I open the passenger door for her.
“Sounds dangerous,” she teases, sliding into the seat.
Before I close the door, I say, “I want you to go on a date with me.”
Shock flits across her features and she gives a slight shake. “What? Why?”
“Because”—I try my hardest to hide my smile— “we’re having a baby together and I think there’s plenty we still need to get to know about one another.”
She bites her lip. “I don’t know, Luke. Do you think it’s a good idea? I mean, we’re not together.”
This woman. I should maybe be offended at the way she so stubbornly wants to keep a cement wall erected between us, but I’m not.
After meeting her parents, and knowing how her ex treated her, it’s obvious why Bertie is hesitant.
She gave her heart so freely in the past only to have it mistreated.
She’s being cautious this time. Lucky for her, I’m a patient man.
“I want you to date me,” I tell her and hold up a hand when I see she’s about to protest. “That doesn’t mean I expect you to put a label on us.
You don’t want to call me your boyfriend?
Cool. But Bertie, I think we owe it to ourselves to see where things go.
That’s what dating is for. Testing the waters to see if you like each other. ”
She plays with the hoops in her ear. I hold my breath, waiting for whatever she’s going to say. “All right.”
I try to hide my shock. “All right?” I echo.
“Yeah. You’re right. Even if this goes nowhere, it’s the best thing for the baby for us to know each other well.”
Goes nowhere my ass.
This woman is going to be my wife one day, but it’s okay, I’m happy to wait and let her stubborn ass catch up with me.
Closing her door, I jog around and hop in the driver’s side. “Date time starts now.”
Her eyes bug comically. “Right now?”
“Yep.” I’m not giving her a chance to over think it or try to wiggle her way out of it.
“Where are we going then?” she asks as I back the car out.
“To eat. I’m starving, aren’t you?” Stress makes me work up an appetite. Her stomach gives an answering growl before she can speak. “Yep, you’re hungry too. What sounds good to you?”
I had a place in mind, but considering she’s pregnant and her appetite comes and goes still, I don’t want to pick something that might not sound good to her.
She thinks for a moment, her nose scrunching as she does. One of her hands rests protectively over her bump. She’s almost always touching it.
“I know I probably sound insane, but I would do just about anything for a steak and cheese sub right about now. Ooh, and some salty fries.”
I can’t help but chuckle. “I know just the place.”
The diner has great steak and cheese subs, but I’m not taking Bertie for our first date post pregnancy news to the place my mom works.
Instead, I opt for the small hole in the wall place that doesn’t even have a place to sit and take the subs to the nearby park.
My hand hovers centimeters from Bertie’s back as we head toward the bench in the distance near a pond.
“I have another doctor’s appointment soon,” she says the moment her butt touches the bench. “If you want to go.”
“Of course I want to go.”
Sadly, I know that once the hockey season starts my time with her and the baby is going to become limited. It’s especially sucky considering the baby is due right around the time preseason begins and I won’t be in the position to take time away. I want to soak in every moment I can, while I can.
“Okay. I’ll double check the date and let you know.”
I pass her the Sprite I picked up from McDonald’s and hand her some napkins. Unpacking the brown paper bag, I sort out the sandwiches between us—hers is simple with just lettuce and mayo, while mine also has onions, mushrooms, and extra meat.
“Rosie wouldn’t stop talking about the baby shower.” There’s a smile in her voice. “She’s put a lot of thought into it.”
“I can tell.” I unwrap my sandwich. “She even has a theme.”
“We Can Bearly Wait,” she laughs. “It’s cute. She doesn’t have a lot to work with since we don’t know the gender.”
“Do you want to know?” I ask since there’s something in her tone I can’t quite decipher.
Her cheeks redden. “I said I didn’t want to, but mostly that’s because I was scared of having a boy and … I don’t know.” She presses a hand to her stomach. “I don’t feel so scared now. I think a boy would be okay. A girl seems easier since I’m a girl, but…” She trails off with a shrug.
“We can find out at any time if you want.”
She bites her lip. “I’ll think about it.”
We eat in silence for a few minutes. “We haven’t talked much about what you want to do,” I hedge. “I know none of this can be easy on you—the baby, moving to Nashville with me and I just want to make sure your wants and needs aren’t getting lost among mine.”
She wipes her fingers on a napkin. “Nashville isn’t a selfish choice you’re making.” God, she reads me like an open book. “It’s necessary for your job and it makes the most sense for us to stick together right now.” She reaches for her drink and takes a few sips.
“I know,” I say, before she can speak again. “But we haven’t really talked about what you wanted to do before you got pregnant. Do you want to get a job in Nashville? Do you want to move somewhere else eventually? These are things we need to discuss.”
She bites her lip. “I know it sounds terrible, but I didn’t really have much of a plan before.
I was just going to figure it out as I went.
While this whole mom thing terrifies me, I’m even more terrified by the idea of not being with the baby.
I know it’s asking a lot for you to support me, but I should have access to my trust fund by then anyway.
I want to stay home with the baby as long as I want and if I decide it’s not what I works for me long term then I can figure out a job and childcare. ”
“It’s not a lot to ask,” I insist. “I’m more than happy to take care of you and the baby.”
“Luke—”
“I mean it, Bertie. I know you worry that you and the baby are some kind of burden to me, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. I know we didn’t plan this, but I’ve always wanted to be a dad, and I’m excited. I see it as a privilege to take care of you both.”
Tears shimmer in her eyes. “You’re too good for me.”
I shake my head. I don’t voice it, but she’s wrong. I’ll never be good enough for her. No one can. Bertie deserves everything and I know I can give it to her better than another man can, but it still won’t be enough.
“I care about you,” I say by way of explanation.
I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her, maybe have been since freshman year, but I know if I admit that it’ll send her running far and fast. Bertie needs a careful approach and I’m patient and willing to show her that I’m not going anywhere.
“Oh.” She jolts suddenly. In the next instant she’s yanked up her t-shirt and grabbed my hand. “The baby’s moving.”
I press my palm to her skin, holding my breath and hoping to feel the baby this time.
Bertie lets out a sound of annoyance and pokes her stomach with the hand she doesn’t have over top of mine. “You were just moving. Now come on, do it again. I refuse to let this be another let down.”
She gets quiet and continues to press her other hand in different spots on her belly.
“Maybe the carbonation will get them going again.” She takes a few sips of her soda. “Oh! Did you feel that?”
My mouth falls open and a flurry of emotions explodes inside me. “Holy shit.” The baby gives another sharp kick against my hand. “Wow.” I’m helpless to the tears spilling down my cheeks. “Bertie this is … magical.”
“It’s crazy, right?” The way she’s smiling at me has me wanting to lean in and kiss her, but I know she’s skittish and the last thing I want to do is spook her.
“Insane.” I feel a smaller movement against the edge of my fingers this time. “This is the coolest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
I feel the baby again and a laugh rips out of me. I keep my hand against her stomach for another minute or two but there’s no more movement.
“I’m so happy you finally got to feel it. I swear this baby has been shy around you.”
“Thank you.”
Her brows furrow. “You really don’t have to thank me for letting you touch my stomach.” She gestures at herself.
“I don’t mean that. I meant, thank you for carrying our baby and taking such good care of them.”
“Oh.” She ducks her head almost shyly. “I promise you don’t need to thank me for that either.”
“Trust me, I do. I know pregnancy hasn’t been the easiest for you.”
“It’s better now, and as freaked out as I was in the beginning of all of this, I want you to know I’m past that. I want this. I’m ready for it.”
She’s making it even harder for me to not kiss her.
We finish our meal and pack up our things to toss in the trash on our way back to the car.
That night, after Bertie has gone to sleep beside me, I pull out a basic spiral bound notebook and start writing.
Dear baby,
Hi. I’m your dad.
Though, I suppose if you’re old enough to be reading this then you probably already know that.
Today, I convinced your mom to go on a date with me.
She’s stubborn so she was reluctant at first. I can tell she likes me, but she’s scared.
I can’t say I blame her with her past. But it’s okay. I’m happy to take things at her pace.
We got subs and went to the park to eat and baby … your mom is so pretty. The way the sun shined on her blond hair made her glow. And when she talks about you, she can’t help but smile.
I got to feel you move today too for the first time, and it was magical. I can’t believe how strong you are. Something tells me you’re going to be a determined, firecracker of a kid.
I can’t wait to meet you.
Love,
Dad