34. Bertie
BERTIE
I step into my six-week postpartum appointment with a mix of excitement and unease.
I’m not sure I’m necessarily ready to have sex with Luke right this second—he’s not even back home until next week anyway—but I want to at least know if I’m in the clear.
My libido has certainly been waking back up, so I hope that’s a good sign.
I haven’t had real sex since we conceived Rory and we’re only a few months away from that having been a year ago.
Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to not give in during my whole pregnancy.
Even when I was trying to keep Luke at a distance there was no denying my attraction to him.
They go through all their usual quick checks before I’m brought back to a room and told to remove my pants and given a blanket to drape over my lap.
Rory coos from his stroller, his little arms and legs flailing. He’s so active already that I’m mildly terrified for when he begins to walk.
He’s already changed so much in these six weeks.
He still has his newborn qualities, but I’m already beginning to see some of those elements fading and it makes me sad.
I know people said it goes by fast and they weren’t kidding.
It’s hard too, when you’re tired and exhausted, to soak it all in and enjoy these precious moments.
I wait a good twenty minutes before the doctor finally pokes her head in.
“Bertie.” She smiles warmly. “I heard all about your car birth.”
I groan. “People talked about it?”
“Yes,” she laughs. “I was glad to hear you were okay, though.”
Dr. Hynes is a blond woman in her forties, I would assume. She’s the first doctor I met with in Nashville, based on Kayla’s recommendation, and we clicked, but she was on vacation when I went into labor early, so I didn’t even see her after I got admitted into the hospital.
“I was very lucky to have Luke. He knew what to do.”
“And look at this little one.” She peers over at Rory in his stroller. “How precious. Are things going well? Your mood feels fine? Your energy is good? Well, as good as it can be with a newborn.” She gives a soft, musical laugh.
“It’s been going good. He’s a great baby, so I think I’m really lucky and Luke’s a great help when he’s home.”
“You said before that he’s in the NFL?”
“NHL. He plays hockey.”
“Oh, that’s right.” She grabs her stool and sits down before wheeling over to me. “I’m not a sports person.”
“I wasn’t either, but I’m getting addicted to seeing him at home games.”
Her eyes crinkle at the corners when she smiles. “Is that so? Maybe I’ll have to go to one to see what all the hype is about.”
“You should.”
She gives my knee a pat. “I want you to lie back and put your feet in the stirrups. I want to make sure everything has healed correctly since your delivery wasn’t as expected.” She grabs a pair of gloves, carefully pulling them on.
I do as she says and lie back, letting her take a look.
It doesn’t take long.
“Everything looks perfect.” She flicks the gloves in the trash. “Any questions for me?” I sit up, letting my legs dangle. “It’s okay,” she encourages. “This is a safe space.”
“I … uh … this is embarrassing.”
“Trust me.” She waves away my concern. “I’ve heard it all and then some.”
“I just wanted to know if I’m safe to have sex.”
“Oh, of course. As long as you’re ready, everything looks perfectly fine to me.”
I play with the blanket on my lap. “Oh, good. Okay, yeah, that’s good.”
She gives me a kind, understanding smile. “Just because you’re all cleared to have sex, doesn’t mean you have to. Wait until you’re ready. Sometimes it’s more of a mental hurdle than a physical one.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem. Take care, Bertie.”
I quickly dress and check on Rory. He’s perfectly content, looking up at me like I’m the crazy one for checking on him and disturbing his peace. He’s not even two months old and already judging me.
After leaving the doctor’s office, I head over to a nearby shopping area.
I’m craving an iced coffee and shopping.
I’m not sure if shopping counts as an actual craving, but it feels like one.
I haven’t been getting out much, which is my own fault, and since I was forced to come out today, I figure I ought to make the most of it.
I park and transfer Rory from his car seat to his stroller and tuck the diaper bag into the compartment below.
“Are you ready to go shopping with mama?” I ask.
Rory gives a yawn in response.
“Am I already boring you?” I tease.
The coffee shop is right ahead of me, and once I have an iced vanilla latte in hand I feel like a whole new person.
I stop in a hand soap store first, picking up a few bottles for our place.
Next is a baby store and I’m unable to resist buying a few new outfits for Rory.
One of my all-time favorite stores to shop in is at the end of the strip and a part of me wants to avoid it at all costs, but I also need a few new pieces.
My postpartum body is rounder than I’m used to.
My hips wider. It’s been an adjustment getting used to this new body.
I don’t look exactly like I used to, and while that’s entirely okay, it’s also something I’m adjusting to.
“Be brave,” I mutter to myself.
I open the door and push the stroller inside. Pop music plays from the speakers, and a woman is there almost instantly asking if I need help. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her no, I’ll be fine on my own, but I hesitate.
“Actually, I do need help. I just gave birth a few weeks ago and most of my clothes either don’t fit at all or they don’t fit correctly and I’m tired of wearing the same loose pants and sweaters I did when I was pregnant.”
“Do you mind if I put you in a dressing room and pull a few things for you?”
“Not at all.” I sigh in relief. Normally, I would never dream of allowing someone else to pick out clothes for me, but right now I’d prefer the decision-making capabilities be taken from my hands.
“Let me get you set up then. I’m Lina, by the way.”
She takes me back to the dressing rooms and brings me a bottle of water before she asks about styles and colors I like. She takes various notes and promises to be back soon.
Rory dozes peacefully in the stroller. I’ll feed him after this, probably when we get to the car, and then head home.
Lina returns with various clothing options and tells me her thoughts on styling them before she leaves me alone to try them on.
Not that I’m expecting her to fail, but I’m not expecting much, so when I put the first outfit on and fall in love with how it looks on me, I’m more than a little surprised.
I try everything on, only nixing a black lacy skirt that’s not my style and one she said she threw in as an outlier anyway.
“Is there anything else you’d like to me to get for you?” she asks.
“No. I’m going to purchase these and stick with this for now, but I’ll be back.”
When I leave the store, there’s a slight pep in my step. It’s incredible what a little retail therapy can do for your mood.
My phone rings and I fish it out of my pocket. I’m expecting Luke to call any time, so I answer without looking.
“Wait, who is this?” The voice on the other end asks.
“Mom?”
“Bertie?”
I freeze on the sidewalk. “Yeah, did you need something?” I ask, trying to keep my voice flat and even and not let my panic rise in my voice.
“No, I was trying to call someone else. Sorry about that.”
The line goes dead and I stare down at the blank screen of my phone.
What the fuck?
I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in months, and she accidentally calls me now and that’s all she has to say? No, how are you? Did you have the baby? How’s my grandchild?
Anger like I’ve never felt before simmers in my veins.
Especially now that I have a child of my own, I can’t imagine acting the way they have over my pregnancy. I’m an adult. It might’ve been an accident, but it wasn’t like the world ended.
I find myself ringing Luke as I speed walk back to my car.
“Hey,” he greets in a cheery voice.
“I’m so pissed off right now; you have no idea.”
“Whoa.” There’s shuffling on the other side like he’s moving to a different spot to talk. “What’s wrong, baby? Is everything okay with Rory?”
“Rory is a perfect angel,” I reply, unstrapping him from the stroller so I can transfer him into his car seat.
I still plan on feeding him before I go, but I can’t hold him, my phone, and take the stroller down.
“I got a wrong call from my own mom, and she didn’t ask about me or the baby at all and I …
I don’t know what I expected, truly, but it wasn’t that. ”
“Oh, honey.” He says it softly, gently, but not pityingly.
“I don’t know why I care.”
“Because it’s your mom,” he answers easily. “I feel at a loss as to what to say to you right now. I don’t know how to make this better.”
“You can’t.” I load the folded-up stroller into the trunk and press the button to close it before I join Rory in the back.
I put the phone on speaker and pull my sweet boy into my arms. He squirms, giving a cry of protest but immediately settles the moment he’s latched.
“I just wanted to hear your voice,” I add. “You always make me feel better.”
“I miss you. Both of you.”
“You’ll be home soon.”
“Next week,” he groans.
“It’ll be soon,” I repeat and I’m not sure if it’s for my benefit or his.
“Soon,” he echoes.
I hang up and finish feeding Rory. I’m about to head home, but something stops me and I end up scooping Rory into my arms and heading back to the store.
Lina spots me and smiles. “Did you forget something?”
“Yeah, I did actually.”
“What can I get for you?”
I do a quick, cursory glance around the store. “I need some new bras and underwear. Something nice.”
She smiles. “This way.”
I follow her with more confidence than I necessarily feel. With Luke coming home next week, I want to feel my best and look my best, especially if I’m going to convince him I’m ready for sex again.