Chapter Twenty-Seven #3
Kayla recited the words without feeling them. “Going to the hospital is asking for help. There is no shame in asking for help when you have a heart attack. So, there is no shame in asking for help when you have a panic attack.”
“Do you feel like you need that kind of help?”
“No.”
She paused for a moment, then asked, “Are you saying that because you think it’s true or because you don’t want to ask for help?”
Normally, she answered quickly, batting the tennis balls of Dr. Frost’s questions back across the net without letting herself think about where to aim the shot.
This time, she caught the ball and looked at it.
Then she looked across the court and around her.
She looked into the stands and at the sky.
She really thought about it and let herself believe that either answer was okay.
Finally, she said truthfully, “I am saying no because I think it’s true.”
“Then why are you afraid?”
“Because last time I didn’t have a choice. I broke down and couldn’t help myself. I don’t want to break again.”
Now it was Dr. Frost’s turn to hesitate, and that was rare. Kayla opened her eyes and looked at the phone, wondering if her therapist was also happy this appointment wasn’t face-to-face. She seemed to be thinking and measuring her words, too. “I don’t think you’ll break down this time, Kayla.”
Kayla’s lips and stomach twisted at the platitude. Again, with people telling her what she wanted to hear, rather than the truth. Why did everyone do that? Why didn’t they trust her to be strong enough to handle reality? The lies were infantilizing and infuriating, and she wanted to scream in rage.
Dr. Frost said, “You don’t believe me.”
It wasn’t a question, so Kayla didn’t treat it like one. “I suppose you can’t really say anything else. If you did, it might push me into a breakdown anyway.”
“Not with your personality type. It would probably help you to hear that I didn’t think you’re okay. You like to prove people wrong, and you would fight tooth and nail to make sure you did.”
Kayla stopped short and barked out a laugh. It was a really good assessment and probably one hundred percent true, but it didn’t really sound like something a shrink should say.
Dr. Frost said, “Do you want to know why I don’t think you’ll break down again? Although, for the record, I don’t like that description.”
“Okay, I’m intrigued. Why do you think that?”
“Because you’re fighting.” This time, Dr. Frost’s words shocked her, but they didn’t make her laugh.
She continued, “Most of the time we talk about the Fight or Flight response, but the more modern theory is Fight, Flight, or Freeze.
When encountering stress, we either fight back, run away, or, if neither of those options is available either physically or mentally, we freeze.
“That’s what you did when Skye left. Your mind couldn’t find safety in fighting, and running away wasn’t an option, so you froze. You experienced a state of immobilization that you couldn’t break out of.”
Kayla’s skin went cold remembering, but she couldn’t find fault in the logic. “That sounds right.”
“But this morning, when Mack left, even though your body was hurting, you chased after her. Then you experienced a moment of doubt when you couldn’t find her, and you had the choice again.”
Kayla looked across the pool deck, certain for a moment that she would see Linda and Manny there as she had a couple of hours ago. “And I chose to fight again.”
“And you’re still fighting. You experienced a second moment of doubt, and you called me rather than freezing. That means something, Kayla.”
“What does it mean?”
Dr. Frost hesitated, and Kayla knew what she would say before she said it. “What do you think it means?”
Kayla let herself answer on instinct. “I think it means that my heart knows Mack is the one. She’s the right person for me. The one worth fighting for. And maybe Skye wasn’t.” She took a deep breath, letting the words soak in. One thing she knew, the words felt damn good to say. “Is that right?”
“We’re talking about your mind and your heart here, Kayla. If you think it’s true, then it probably is, wouldn’t you say?”
A smile formed unbidden on Kayla’s lips. “Yeah, I think you’re right. Or I guess I think I’m right.”
“You’re getting really good at this. See how much easier it is when you tell me the truth? Maybe on your next appointment, you could bring this energy?”
Kayla’s cheeks heated up. “You knew?”
“That you were telling me what I wanted to hear? Kayla, I am a very good psychologist.”
“Yes, you are, Dr. Frost.”
“Call my office to make your next appointment when you get back.” After a beat, she said, “And Kayla?”
“Yes?”
“Good luck with Mack. Be honest with her and yourself. Remember, your nervous system already knows she’s worth fighting for.”
“Weird thing for a shrink to say, but I’ll take it.”
“Even psychologists are fond of a good love story. Goodbye, Kayla.”
Kayla leaped to her feet, ignoring an angry twinge in her knee, and ran off toward her room. She needed a shower and time to form a new plan.