Chapter 26 – Eloise
If Eloise’s goal,when she signed up for Honeymoon Manor, had been to avoid embarrassment on television, she’d failed spectacularly. And this particular instance wasn’t even the first time. In fact, it was starting to feel like the manor was concocting ways to embarrass her, week after week. Like a sentient, mischievous force who’d gained consciousness with only the intent to make Eloise look like an idiot.
She hadn’t seen any of the other contestants deal with this kind of stuff.
Maybe there was something fundamentally wrong with her.
Usually, Eloise didn’t let herself think like this. She was optimistic and annoyingly so, if her brother were to be believed. Basically, she had hope tattooed across her forehead.
She was starting to feel like it hadn’t been done in permanent ink.
Three days ago, Killian had chosen her on that rooftop and, three days ago, she was pretty sure she’d been ecstatic. That had been the goal, right? But later, when they’d crawled into bed and they hadn’t said a word to each other—and he had not offered her one of his shirts—she had the chance to assess the feeling.
Turned out, whatever excitement she felt had been more about completing the task she’d set out to do and less about Killian himself. And that…sucked. Killian was still a great guy. One she got along with and who had a similar outlook on life to her. But had those treasured conversations when she’d thought they’d been flirting perhaps just been two similar people getting to know one another?
Because after the ceremony, when she’d caught him watching Maia instead of paying attention to her, Eloise found herself disappointed not because he had eyes on another woman but because she had the distinct impression that her dreams had fizzled. And now, when Killian and Maia inevitably got back together, all that work would mean nothing and Eloise would again look unwanted.
Feel unwanted.
Not because she’d be without a partner—she had no doubt in her mind that Silas would come to her rescue again considering she hadn’t seen him even entertain any of the other contestants. No, she didn’t think he had a love match in here.
For some reason, that thought made her heart hurt.
Had she robbed Silas of his opportunity to find love? He’d spent so much of his time in the manor helping Eloise when he could have been spending his time getting to know the other girls. She was sure they’d like him, if he had. For all his prickly parts, Silas was a good man. He was generous and honest and he always made Eloise feel like she had his full attention, even when he was teasing her. They’d be idiots not to pursue him.
That made her heart hurt, too. Because Eloise was selfish and she liked having his attention. And, maybe, because when Killian had told her about all the good parts of love, she couldn’t help but measure it all against Silas.
All in all, she missed him.
And he was sitting across from her.
Danica had said something that made him laugh Eloise’s favorite laugh. The one you couldn’t really tell was there unless you were watching him closely. In her mind, she’d made a game of concocting the perfect formula to bring that laugh out. To start, whatever she said had to be a little stupid. The kind of thing a Very Serious man like Silas should not be amused by. It had to be quick and she had to follow it by looking directly in his eyes.
When they’d first gotten comfortable enough to make jokes, she’d looked at him to find approval there. To make sure whatever she said wasn’t going to send him running and ruining all her plans. Then her motivation for that eye contact got a little more complex. She looked because the reluctance made it sweeter, knowing he couldn’t help himself but to be entertained by her. He would try even harder to hide it and she would smile even wider when she found it.
She looked because she liked to look.
She still liked looking, even if she was technically with Killian now. Even if he was with Danica and he was laughing at her jokes.
Silas noticed her looking and tried to turn surly again. “Why aren’t you off with Ken doll?”
Killian, who’d had his head bent towards Maia, boomed his own laugh. A loud and happy one. “Silas, man, never change.”
Then there was her laugh again, only to be followed by a frown like he remembered he wasn’t supposed to be charmed by Killian.
“We’re all sitting here,” Eloise said quietly, answering Silas’s original question. “No one’s off with anyone.”
Was it that obvious that Killian had no interest in her? They were all sitting together and yet, somehow, she was the only one for whom that didn’t bode well. How infuriating of him to immediately poison all the admiring she’d been doing.
“We are,” Silas allowed. “But he’s trying to nibble Maia’s ear off.”
Having been caught, Maia shoved Killian away from her and sent him sprawling half on the ground. “Leave my ear alone.”
“I’m sure Eloise has a perfectly good one for you,” Silas consoled Killian.
Clearly sensing that this was about to get a little messy, Willow and Leith hurried out of their seats and practically booked it across the backyard, followed closely by Foster and Maxon. Eloise wished she could follow them. She tried to telepathically communicate to Cora and Danica to get out while they still could.
“That’s okay,” Eloise tried to say but Killian turned a little red and righted himself in front of Silas.
“What’s up, man? What are you trying to do here?”
“I’m not trying to do anything. I just find it a little bit shitty to make a big deal out of stealing Eloise if you were going to turn around and get cozy with Maia right away.”
Eloise kind of agreed but she hadn’t planned on saying anything about it.
“That’s what this is about?” Killian asked, his voice not rising but evidently frustrated. “Me stealing her from you?”
Normally, Eloise might’ve argued that she was a person and incapable of being stolen. That she would go where she pleased and that her decisions should not be considered an act of aggression between two others. But this was a reality television show and, last week, Eloise hadn’t had the power to make that sort of choice.
By all accounts, she had been stolen from Silas. And, if she wanted to, she could just as easily right that wrong this week. It would be simple, really, to submit for a swap. Hope she’d get to choose first so she could put Silas right back at her side.
Did Silas actually want that, though? Or was he just offended that Killian had disrupted the peace the two of them had built?
“If she wanted to go with you, power to you both,” Silas eventually bit out. “But she wasn’t the one who chose to swap. You were. And now you’re right back to Maia. Were you just trying to make her jealous or something?”
“No,” Killian said quickly and in a way that hinted this wasn’t the first time he’d considered the answer might actually be the opposite.
How…shitty. Yes. That was shitty. This whole thing was shitty. And she didn’t even know who to be upset with.
She could try to be upset with Silas but what was the point, when he was clearly coming to her defense? She could be upset with Killian, since it appeared more and more that he’d just used her as a pawn in his scheme to get Maia. That didn’t feel right, either. She didn’t think Killian had a malicious bone in his body. And—oh, god—had she done the same with Silas? Had she used Silas as a pawn to get Killian?
No, Eloise had no one to be upset with but herself. She’d used Silas and had gotten used in return. And now that was aired out for everyone to see.
No wonder no one wanted to be with her.
“Guys, don’t—” Eloise wanted to hug Cora for trying to step in.
Killian held his hands in front of him. “Look, I’m not trying to hurt Eloise?—”
“Then don’t,” Silas said simply.
Something cracked in Killian’s features. “You’re one to talk. You hurt her feelings all the time!”
Ugh. Did everyone think she was some big crybaby that couldn’t take care of herself?
“That’s between Eloise and me.” Silas’s voice had gone harder than usual but Eloise couldn’t bring herself to check on it.
“And so is this,” Killian drawled. “It’s none of your business who I pick and who I talk to.”
Silas’s head shook. Back and forth. Slow. “I fucking knew you couldn’t be trusted. She?—”
Eloise had, officially, had enough.
“I’d love if you two could stop talking like I’m not even here,” she snapped. They stopped, the both of them staring blankly at her. Had it not occurred to them that she was listening? Well, that just pissed her off more. “I don’t give a shit if you think there’s been some stupid slight towards one another. Keep me the hell out of it.”
“I don’t have beef with Silas,” Killian grumbled.
Silas’s jaw clenched. “Yeah? Well, I have beef with you.”
Did that mean Silas’s anger really was about feeling like Killian had stolen his favorite toy? God, could this get any worse?
She got to her feet, grateful when she felt the presence of Cora, Danica, and Maia as they shifted to get behind her. In all her anger, she thought of Killian’s words about love again. About having people in your corner. With these girls, she felt loved.
That didn’t mean she was okay with having the ways she wasn’t loved thrown around in her face.
“Then you two need to figure it out and leave me alone. I’ve got no interest in being a tool used to hurt someone else.” Mostly because she usually got hurt in the process. She swallowed but felt stronger when she added, “I’m not going to sit around and wait for you both to realize this has nothing to do with me. Just leave me alone.”
She didn’t stick around to hear them sling more insults at each other, to hear all their look what you dids. But when she turned to give Maia a commiserating, flat-lipped smile, she caught sight of Silas stomping back into the manor. Maybe her words had meant something, then. Or maybe he’d just said what he needed to say.
Once they’d sat as far away from the scene of the crime as they could, Willow wandered over, rubbing Eloise’s back.
“That was bullshit,” Cora announced.
“How does Silas always manage to say something to set you off?” Danica added, placing a hand on her knee.
Tears pricked Eloise’s eyes. Not because of what had happened, necessarily. Because she felt so helpless. Annoyed and counted out.
These girls, whose love she’d just wholeheartedly felt, were now crowding her and making her feel like she should have something to cry about. They made her feel like she couldn’t possibly have been strong enough to weather whatever that was on her own. And it wasn’t that she wanted to, either. She just hated feeling like no one here thought she could do it.
No one here thought she was more than something to be passed around to the next person who wanted to give her attention.
And maybe that was why she felt so comfortable with Silas all the time. He didn’t walk around this stupid manor handling Eloise with kid gloves. He said mean, true things because he knew she could take it. He trusted her to take it. To him, she wasn’t just a little sister or some innocent little cherub.
If that confrontation hadn’t been so raw, Eloise might have sought him out. She didn’t want to feel cherished and protected and coddled right now. She wanted someone to yell at who wouldn’t hold it against her later.
Silas was perfect for that.
“Why is he such a dick?” Cora demanded, her hands on her hips and her body coiled and posed like she was ready to charge into battle on Eloise’s behalf.
And she wasn’t sure what possessed her to do it but she said, “He’s not.”
“Did we witness the same thing back there?”
To Eloise’s surprise, Maia chimed in. “Eloise is right. What Killian did wasn’t great and I’m glad someone called him out on it.” She shifted so she could look at Eloise. “I hope the way I was acting back there didn’t seem callous. I…”
“Couldn’t help it?” Willow offered.
“Wanted his dick so bad you couldn’t think straight?” Danica added.
Maia glared at them. “If you repeat that to any of them, I’ll put raw fish in your pillow cases.”
They had the decency to look cowed but giggled to themselves the moment Maia returned her attention to Eloise. “I wasn’t thinking about how it would affect you, back there. And that probably makes me a bitch. I’m not making excuses for it. He’s just been so…there these past few days. Like he decided it didn’t matter who he’d chosen. I wish you hadn’t gotten caught in that crossfire.”
Eloise wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say. She hadn’t been upset with Maia in the first place and it didn’t feel right to accept the apology. Thankfully, Cora beat her to it.
“So you like him?” Cora asked.
Maia flopped gracefully back until she was flat against the cushion of the lounger. “Against my better judgment.”
Willow leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. “Are you going to take him back?”
Maia scoffed. “After that shit? Are you kidding me?”
“So you like him,” Cora said again, summarizing. “But you aren’t going to tell him. You aren’t going to let us tell him. And you’re not going to submit for a swap.”
Maia did the math in her head for a moment before nodding succinctly.
“Yes, Maia,” Danica deadpanned. “That makes perfect sense.”
Eloise still hadn’t added anything else to the conversation because, quite frankly, this information dismayed her. If Maia wasn’t going to submit to swap, who would? Willow and Cora certainly weren’t. Danica had no reason to—she had no interest in going back to Maxon and had never shown an interest in Killian.
If Eloise wanted things to go back to the way they were, she’d have to do it herself.
But what kind of fallout would that leave? Choosing Silas would add more fuel to the fire of the feud between the two men and she’d just said she didn’t want to be a part of it. Not to mention, it would make her feel like shit. Crawling back to her coach after Killian had proven what Silas had said all along.
Going back to Silas would be a pretty little bow, wrapping up all her delusions of hope. Going from one man who didn’t want her to another and back, knowing she had nowhere to go where she could feel all the good things she’d been told of.
If she chose Silas again, she’d be close. She’d still be able to feel all her messy, conflicting feelings for him. He just wouldn’t feel anything back.
And where was the dignity in that?