Chapter 2 #2
I let out a low laugh and rubbed the back of my neck.
The way she said innocence made a nigga's chest tighten.
The young boy she was trying to appeal to was gone.
That nigga shattered the moment he saw the muscle tissue under his momma's skin.
The tiniest piece I had left, I gave to Navy.
There was no going back. I was who the fuck I was 'til the day I die.
"Innocence? Gigi, I'ma grown ass man in my thirties. Fuck I look like searching for innocence?"
"A grown ass man trying to heal," she fired back.
"Nah, I'm good. Healing is for soft niggas that can't compartmentalize."
"Oh, so your brother is soft?" Her brow hiked as she brought the cup to her lips.
"Is that what you wanted me to come over for? To talk about Cortez's bitch ass?"
"You might be grown, Honor Gravehart, but you will respect my house. All that damn cursing like I won't put belt to ass!" she scoffed, causing me to laugh.
"Man, Gi, my bad, but I'm not trying to talk about him."
"It's not him we need to talk about. It's you."
"What about me? I'm good."
"Are you?" she quizzed.
Silence swarmed us. The question was loaded with more than words. Doubt and accusation were both loaded in Gi's clip, but that was how she gave it up. Gigi had a special way of making a nigga always feel like the villain in his own muthafuckin' story.
"I'm good, Gi. That shit with Crown is nothing. I'll give him space and then go see about him."
"What if space isn't enough?"
"Ight, enough with the questions. I don't wanna disrespect your home, Gigi, but the way you're coming at me is starting to piss me off." My fingers drummed against the table as a distraction. The steady tap of my fingers was the only thing keeping my anger from flooding the room.
"I appreciate that, but why does it have to get to that when we're just having a conversation. The things in your past—"
"Gigi, this doesn't have shit to do with my past."
"Then what is it because I'm not understanding."
"You wanna know why you're confused about this shit? When we came to live with you, I was eighteen, but a grown ass man in every sense of the word. I was young, but I touched money men twice my age wasn’t earning in a year.
I've killed niggas, disposed of bodies, and some other shit I won't put on you.
Couldn't even buy a drink legally, but I knew how to scrub a surface of DNA.
Crown was what… fifteen back then? Yeah, he was in the streets with me, but that nigga wasn't seeing a quarter of the shit I was.
His reach only went as far as I allowed. "
My hands rested on the table, gripping the edge like I was still holding my brother back from experiencing the ill shit I faced.
"Wolfe was even younger, but it was more of the same.
I had that nigga counting money to keep him out the way.
I made sure they were able to do teenager shit because I didn't want them growing up too fast. You babied them niggas, Gigi.
We both did in one way or another, that's why you don't understand this shit with us.
Wolfe and Crown had each other, you, Navy, and me to help guide them through this cold fucking world.
Who the fuck did I have? No one around was protecting me from Chance whooping my ass anytime I missed a target or went over the time set for me to break in and out of a spot. I had to eat all that shit, and I did."
"Honor—" Gigi called out with saddened eyes, but I wasn't looking for sympathy. A nigga just wanted to be heard and understood.
"Nah, Gigi, let me finish. I know y'all think I'm this cruel, cold ass nigga that don't give a fuck, and y'all right. I'm all that, but I gotta be so Wolfe and Crown don't have to. I'm not the bad guy, Gi."
I sighed, the weight of all this shit pressing down on me like it had a life of its own.
"I've never been the bad guy. I'm the nigga who always puts his family first. I always move in my brothers' best interests.
I'll stand in the fire to protect them niggas, flames can burn me 'til I'm ashes, and I wouldn't give a fuck long as Wolfe and Crown are safe.
Take bullets, do the time for them niggas.
They're my fucking family, so how do I end up being the villain for protecting them?
Fuck outta here! I'm the villain, but that nigga Crown—"
My words became a hollow, humorless chuckle.
"Instead of talking to me about innocence and this bullshit, you should've hit Crown and told him how fucked up he is.
That nigga is engaged and got a twins on the way, and he ain't say shit to me about it.
Out of all muthafuckas to tell, my own brother didn't say shit.
" My throat burned, the words cracking as they forced themselves out.
"I bet Wolfe knew, though," I scoffed, my voice hoarse with hurt that slipped out like venom I couldn't bite back.
"Honor, why would he tell you after you stood in the middle of the street and had your 'Training Day' moment?"
"Fuck is that supposed to mean? Matter fact don't answer that. I don't give a fuck what I did. When life-changing shit happens, bullshit gets pushed aside. At the end of the day, we're family. Nothing said should be enough to turn our backs on each other."
"You have every right to feel how you feel, but Crown doesn't have to feel the same way about the situation."
"I know. And that's why that nigga is him, and I'm me. I gotta go, Gigi."
Rising from my seat, I walked around the table and dropped a kiss on Gigi's forehead. As I pulled back, she grabbed both my hands, stopping me.
"Thank you for all that you do for us," she expressed, smiling wearily, her eyes still glossed with a sadness I knew wouldn't disappear until Crown and I fixed things.
"Don't thank me for them niggas. If they can't do it themselves, maybe I haven't done as much as I thought. I'll call you later."
Gigi's hands trembled on mine, but I pulled away, needing to get the fuck out of this house. Once outside, I looked up at the sky. Tears brewed, but I wasn't about to let them fall.
If this is the type of shit I gotta deal with to balance out the blessing of Navy, then I'll endure it all, Head held high, shoulders squared.
After my quick talk with God, I hopped in my whip and called Choyce. Her phone rang out, pissing me off. I tried again, got the same result, and left a message.
"I'm pulling up. Be home."