Chapter 30 Crown Gravehart #2
"You confuse being needed with being respected.
That's why you gotta remind niggas what you provided, and why you puff your chest out about that shit.
'Cause the moment you're not needed, your sense of purpose disappears.
" I paused, letting it sit. "And you fear that.
You fear muthafuckas healing and moving on 'cause that leaves you right where we found you. "
I tilted my head.
"Broken. Angry at the world. Still under the control of the man who ruined your life.
Me?" I pounded my fist against my chest. "I don't gotta prove I'm solid.
History already shows that. In the same way, it shows all the shit you've done for me.
And I appreciate you, my nigga, I do, but if we being real…
what the fuck is all this for?" I waved a hand around us.
"We're not them young kids trying to survive anymore. Nigga, we survived. Money ain't the issue. Our past ain't the issue. So what's all this for? What are the secrets for if we're supposed to be family?"
"Family?" Honor spat.
It wasn't pride in his tone but pain. Deep, broken, uncontrollable pain.
"I… I found out…" his voice cracked, faltering, "from Navy about your engagement. About the baby."
He swallowed hard, his eyes glistening, but he blinked fast, forcing the tear away before it could fall.
"You didn't tell me. How could you not tell me, Crown?"
"We weren't seeing eye to eye 'bout—"
"I don't give a fuck!" his voice boomed, shaking the space between us. "How you not gon' tell the nigga who's been through it all with you? The nigga that protected you from—"
Whatever he was about to say caught in his throat. His hands flexed, eyes darting away before snapping back. He stepped closer, voice barely a whisper but coated in hurt.
"I should've been there," Honor declared hoarsely. "I should've been happy for you. Proud. Instead, I…"
His voice cracked, and he stopped, hands trembling like they didn't belong to him.
"Instead of putting our differences aside and apologizing for the shit I said, I stayed stuck in my head," Honor admitted. "Watching you become the man River deserved felt like a slight, not 'cause of you but because it showed me the man I've been trying and failing to be."
His eyes glossed over, jaw throbbing as he fought to keep himself together.
"I was never mad at you leaving, Crown," he continued. "You did what I didn't know how to do. You saw yourself spiraling and stepped away before you hurt her. That took strength. I respected that shit."
Then his voice dropped.
"What I was really mad about was realizing I failed you."
I shook my head. "You ain't failed me, my nigga. My demons were mine to face. What happened with Em had everything to do with my pops. That wasn't on you."
Em deserved a lot of shit in this life, but she didn't deserve to go out how she did. Doing her the way I did sat heavy on my conscience, second only to the way I choked Four. That type of regret didn't fade. It stayed with you, forcing you to be better.
"Stop talking," Honor firmly asserted. "Listen. I'm trying to give you the answers you've been asking for."
He took a slow breath, grounding himself before continuing.
"I failed you the moment I pulled you into my world.
I let my bullshit and my war almost rip you away from the woman you were put on this earth for.
I didn't know everything about Lynx, but I had a hunch.
I should've told you. I should've told you about River and Sincere's past, too.
I kept that shit to myself, and I apologize. "
"I appreciate the apology, but you said your shit almost took me from Four. How?"
"Lucian had Lynx feeding him information. Lynx was cool with Rakim, and Rakim had eyes on River. I don't know what the full plan was, but when it comes to Lucian, it's safe to assume the worst. Lives are bargaining tools to him. They don't mean shit."
My chest caved in until it hurt to breathe. Four's past fucking with our future wasn't a coincidence. It was a weapon. I didn't say shit. I couldn't. Silence felt like the only thing I could control.
"You're right, tho," Honor hoarsely continued.
"About me being broken. I've been broken since before I knew what that shit was.
Life didn't want a nigga like me whole. It didn't want me living up to my name, so it broke me.
First, with my mom's addiction, robbing me of memories of my father 'cause I can't even remember that nigga.
Then, when the universe saw that wasn't enough, it sent Lucian my way.
Every morning since I was locked in that basement, I've woken up already bracing for whatever bullshit Lucian planned to toss my way.
" His eyes met mine, red rimmed and drowning.
"And I let that shit happen. I took it on the chin so you, Wolfe, and Navy never had to know what it felt like to answer to a man who'd kill his own daughter just to remind you that your life ain't yours. "
Honor's chest heaved, breaths tearing in and out of him like his lungs were fighting his heart.
"Mr. John didn't give you those pills to help you. Lucian told him to."
"Nah," I muttered, shaking my head like denial could rewind time. "That's… nah."
"I wasn't living at Gravehart Homes 'cause I didn't have nowhere to go," Honor pressed, voice shaking. "Lucian put me there to build a team. He wanted me surrounded by broken boys. He wanted me to see what fear looks like when it's still teachable."
My stomach twisted listening to Honor. Every instinct, every rule Honor lived by… Lucian had been there, quietly planting seeds.
"Trauma forges loyalty in the same way fire tempers steel. That's what he said before I walked into Gravehart Homes."
"He made you live there to trauma bond with niggas?" I scoffed, anger clawing up my throat.
Honor nodded.
"I moved in scared for Navy. Every move I made was because I knew what Lucian would do to her if I didn't fall in line." His jaw tightened. "None of my roommates before you were right. Every kid was broken in a way I couldn't mold."
His eyes dropped.
"Then you moved in. You kept your head down and didn't say much.
You moved quiet, but strong. I fucked with your energy.
But at night… you cried quietly, mumbling a name as if you were ashamed to say it out loud.
Every whimper felt like it was tearing something open inside of me because I knew that pain wasn't surface-level.
That shit was deep, rooted in a kind of loss too complex, too fucking heavy for your young mind to understand. "
Honor rubbed a hand down his face, dragging his palm over his mouth.
"The next time I saw Lucian, I told him no one in the group home was right.
Mr. John suggested you, and for the first time, I didn't think about protecting Navy.
I wanted to protect you, so I told him you weren't built for this shit and left it at that.
Then the crying stopped, and you stopped sounding like a kid, stopped sounding alive.
I confronted Lucian and asked him what the fuck he did to you.
He told me that worse would happen if I didn't put you on my team.
I asked him how the fuck I was 'posed to do that when you were getting fed pills. "
Honor laughed, but there was no humor in it. Just pure, raw pain.
"He said… when you pull a man from the grave, you don't just save his life.
You inherit it. I kept that shit to myself 'cause that's what I do," he mumbled.
"I carry the ugly parts, so y'all don't gotta touch 'em.
I bleed in silence so the people I love can breathe easy.
" His voice wavered, but he didn't let it break.
"So yeah… I'm broken but look what breaking did for my family.
Wolfe has Chosyn and Phoenix. You got River and twins on the way. And Navy—"
His lips trembled.
"I spared her from knowing that at ten years old, her own father was willing to kill her if I didn't fall in line."
The silence that followed pressed in on us, thick and airless, making this big ass mill feel like it was closing in. Honor finally lifted his head. His eyes were wet and stripped of everything but the truth.
"I broke… so the family we found could heal from the shit in our past that was meant to destroy us. So y'all could find a love that made y'all bigger than the life we came from."
His words didn't echo. They settled heavy and final, like a confession he couldn't take back.
"You…" My voice cracked before I could stop it.
I didn't realize I was shaking until my hands clenched so tight that my nails bit into my palms. My chest felt hollowed out, like someone been scooped out something vital and left me bleeding for the world to see.
I cleared my throat, but that shit didn't help. "You're telling me my whole life—"
I laughed, and it came out sounding wrong and broken.
"You mean to tell me the shit I've been through since setting foot in Gravehart Homes wasn't just collateral but currency?"
"Crown—"
"Nah," I snapped, stepping back. "My worst fucking nights were fucking leverage, my nigga."
I dragged a hand over my face, chest tight. "All those nights I felt weak. All those mornings I woke up like my guts were about to crawl their way out of me… that wasn't me failing at life? That wasn't me disappointing my mother?"
Honor shook his head, eyes still glossy.
"I stopped it," he informed me. "But I should've stopped it sooner."
"That's the fucked up part. You didn't do it to me… you let it happen for me." I dryly laughed. "I had to get addicted 'cause you had to be the one to save me."
I lifted my eyes to his as I leaned against the wall.
"What was it that Lucian said? When you pull a man from the grave, you don't just save his life… you inherit it."
Honor's jaw tightened.
"I couldn't save you without damning you. Lucian don't let nobody walk away clean. He only trades lives."