Chapter 6 #2
My hands shook around the gun, feeling just as heavy as my words. "I didn't want this. I would never want this, but you… you wanted this."
"This ain't how we handle things, Navy. We use our words… always."
"This is how we handle them now," I snapped, tears sliding free. "Talking isn't enough for you. You don't listen, that's what you told God, right?"
My mind spun with irrational thoughts that refused to make sense. I wanted to bring Honor so close to death that he'd come back choosing life and me on his own.
"Is my love not good enough for you to stay?"
Standing behind him, crying and holding a gun, had me feeling a lot of things, but none of them felt like myself.
"Navy, put the gun down," Honor instructed, standing.
"No!" I screamed, snot streaking down my lips. "You wanna leave me so bad, then let me be the one to do it!"
"I don't wanna die," Honor hoarsely voiced, facing me. "I was in a fucked up headspace. I thought dying was better than continuing to fuck up your life and Crown's and Wolfe's."
"You didn't fuck up my life, Honor," I said, disbelief trembling through me. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I did. The day we met didn't happen by chance. None of that shit did," he stated. "Lucian set it up."
"Why?"
"To control me. He used you to make me fall in line. I was gonna pull the trigger, Navy. Right there in his yard. I was going to…"
He stopped, swallowing hard. Every emotion he refused to wear on his face spilled out in his raspy voice.
"You called my name. I turned quick as fuck, and Lucian saw it.
That instinct to protect you. Before you reached us, he told me that if I killed myself, he'd kill you too.
After what he did to my mom… I believed him," he explained, stepping toward me.
"When shit went down at Crown's crib, I wasn't thinking about what came after.
Because in my head, you'd be okay without me.
You'd flourish whether I was in your life or not. "
"I do need you," I admitted, my voice breaking. "I fucking love you, Honor."
"I know you do," he replied, gently sliding the gun out of my hand. "But what I feel goes beyond love. I've said that before, and maybe it fell on deaf ears because I haven't shown you."
"Honor, don't—" I started, but he shook his head.
"Nah, you gotta listen. I can feel you slipping from me, Navy."
His voice dropped like a confession I wasn't ready to receive.
"I meant everything I said in that prayer. I wanna be everything your heart desires. The nigga who can love just as deeply as I talk about it. I want our love to feel safe because that's how you define it. Whatever you want, I want that shit too because I love you."
Honor placed the gun on the island, far away from me, then reached for my hips.
His hands swallowed my subtle curves, fingers gripping tight as if he were afraid I'd disappear if he loosened his hold.
I laid my head against his chest, knowing this was where I fit because I was the missing piece that made a broken man feel less broken.
"I love you, Navy," he whispered, kissing the top of my head.
"I…I… love you too," I replied, pulling back just enough to look at him. "But if you ever try that shit again, I will kill you myself."
Honor's eyes burned into mine, but I held his stare. "You don't got shit to worry about. I'm good. Crown's gon' hook me up with his couch lady."
"What?" I said, searching his face for even a hint of a lie.
"Yeah." He chuckled. "We fixed things, and he made me promise to sit down with her."
"And you said yes?" I asked, still stunned.
"Yeah. I wanna do better."
I exhaled slowly. "Wow. I don't even know what to say."
"Say we can start over," he voiced, lifting my chin between his fingers. "I want a fresh start with you."
"Why? We can't erase our history."
"We can't, but we can rewrite the future."
I nibbled my lip, thinking over Honor's words. A fresh start sounded good, necessary even. Still, the secrets I carried were dirty enough to stain anything new.
"Navy, if you're not with it then—"
"No, I… I wanna start over. There's just something I have to tell you, and I don't know how you're going to take it."
Honor's hand slid from my chin back to my hip as he lifted me onto the island.
"You can tell me anything."
"I know," I whispered as panic crept in. "This isn't easy for me. I haven't said it out loud until recently—"
Honor leaned in his lips just a kiss away from mine.
"Let me carry it," he muttered, his voice so easy it made my heart stutter.
"I can handle all things when it comes to you.
I know that shit might be hard to believe 'cause I'ma needy nigga, but I promise if you give me the chance, I'll hold every wrong in your life, and work overtime to make 'em right. Just tell—"
"I had abortions," I blurted. Honor pulled back, but he didn't let go. I squeezed my eyes shut and let my thoughts tumble out.
"I didn't want to bring a child into our lives after what you said you'd do because of what Lucian told you. And I… I thought I was protecting you, but maybe I was being selfish. I don't know. I really don't know, Honor, but I'm so sorry."
"How many?" he asked.
"The number doesn't matter."
"How many," he repeated, restraining his bark through gritted teeth.
My gaze fell from his. "Four."
"Damn," he mumbled, making me feel worse than I already did. "You think I'm that fucked up in the head that I wouldn't have wanted to be there for you?"
I looked up, and the expression staring back was one I never thought I'd see on Honor.
Disappointment clouded his eyes, which was rare for a man who didn't expect much from people.
I could handle the disappointment, but the failure written all over his face made my stomach churn.
This was the second time I had put it there.
"That's not what I was thinking. You were going through a lot, and Lucian had… I—" my throat went dry. "I wanted to protect you. I didn't want to add more stress to your plate or force you into getting rid of my father just to protect our baby because we both know how that would've ended."
"How would it have ended, Navy?" he asked.
"With you fucking dead! You know you can't kill Lucian. The decision had to be unanimous."
"And if my life was the price to pay for my child's safety," he said, staring down at me. "Then I would've paid it."
"No—"
"It wouldn't have been your decision to make. My job is to make sure no harm comes to you or our child. You can't see that tho because you're too worried about a nigga being fragile."
"That's not true," I whispered, shaking my head.
"If it weren't, you wouldn't have told Gigi and Chosyn all that shit about me not loving you right. You would've come to me. The same way you should've come to me about our children."
Hurt darkened his features, and listening to him lay his grievances bare felt like watching my entire world turn to ash.
"How many times are you gonna hurt yourself and use me as the excuse? I can't be the reason for what you won't face… especially when you won't tell me what's going on with you."
"You're not an excuse, Honor."
"I'ma take your word for it." He sighed, letting his gaze drift before pulling it back to mine. "I'm gonna ask you something, and I need you to be honest."
"Okay."
"I'm dead ass, Navy. Don't lie to me."
"I won't," I promised.
The sadness in his eyes only deepened.
"Did you really have those abortions to protect me, or did you not want to have my baby?"
"Both," I answered. "Lucian is unpredictable, and sometimes you are too. I didn't want you doing the unthinkable and regretting it later, so I made the choice for both of us."
"And the other part?" his voice rasped.
"Wha… what do you want me to say?"
"The truth. Say all the shit you stopped yourself from saying because you thought I'd break."
My chin dropped to my chest. I couldn't shatter him while looking him in the eye, but Honor wasn't accepting anything less. He lifted my chin gently, kissed my lips, and said, "Don't shy away from the truth we both need to hear."
"I didn't want to have your kids because I was nervous that they'd come out like you."
Honor drew his head back but stayed quiet.
"There is so much good in you, Honor, but you only focus on the parts that torment you. I didn't want that for our children. When it was time for us to have kids, I was hoping you'd be more open with your emotions. That you'd trust instead of making people beg for it."
"I am who I am because of the muthafucka who raised me," he growled. "How could you think I'd raise our kids the same way?"
"I didn't… I don't," I stammered. "Look at Wolfe and Crown. They're like you in different ways because your influence is heavy in their lives. It would've been the same with our kids."
"Miss me with that," he snapped. "Wolfe and Crown are who they are because of what they went through. All three of us went through fucked up shit that hardened us—"
"Crown and Wolfe are hardened. They're not you. They don't make River and Chosyn do mental gymnastics just to figure out what they're thinking. They don't make them wonder if today's the day their world blows up because their men aren't in it anymore."
"You know why River and Chosyn don't feel that way about them niggas? It's 'cause I stand between them and Lucian. I protect them at all costs. I would've done the same for our kids. I'll always do what it takes to make sure the people I love don't end up soulless like me."
"Honor, I didn't call you soulless."
"You didn't have to for me to hear it," he said, his eyes hazing over with more than just tears. "Stop trying to protect me from the truth. Tell me the shit that might cave my chest in. I need to hear it so I know where I'm fucking up."
"I don't want to be your reason, Honor. I don't want to be the thing you live for or die trying to protect. I just want to love you the way normal, everyday people love."
Honor's expression softened, catching me off guard.
"That wasn't hard now, was it?" he murmured.
"Actually… it was. I never want to hurt you, but I don't want to keep hurting in silence to keep you safe either."
"You never have to with me," he promised.
Honor pulled me in close, pressing me against his chest. My head found the place where his heartbeat was the strongest. Each pulse felt like a stitch sewing me back together in ways I forgot to appreciate. Honor had his flaws, but there was no denying how much he meant to me.
"I appreciate you telling me the truth about the abortions," he stated.
"Are you mad?"
"Nah, I remember how I acted after Lucian said some 'bout us having kids. What I said about cutting them outta your womb was fucked up. I apologize for that."
"It's fine," I whispered desperately wanting to believe everything was, in fact, fine.
"Anything else you wanna tell me?"
My stomach tightened as the ghost of Solace flicking his tongue across my clit in ways Honor never had slid uninvited through my thoughts.
Lust and shame clawed at my chest. I pressed myself closer to Honor.
His heart sped up the longer I stayed silent, each beat a reminder of how fragile he truly was.
"Nope," I answered, lifting my head to meet his eyes.
Honor didn't press. He just nodded his head like he believed me.
"Ight. Let's eat, then watch a movie."
"Okay." I smiled and threw my arms around his neck.
What happened with Solace lingered in my mind, begging to be recognized as more than a fling.
As I'd done so many times before, I told myself that keeping it from Honor was my way of protecting him.
That love sometimes meant choosing silence over honesty because not all truths lead to forgiveness. Some left you buried six feet deep.