Chapter 14 #2
I didn't know how I missed the subtle slur in his words before, but now I heard it, along with the airiness in his tone, the way his tongue dragged around his syllables.
"Honor," I said softer, "you shouldn't drink and drive. Anything could've happened to you."
"Anything could've… but it didn't. I'm good. You don't gotta act like you care."
"It's not an—" I started, then stopped myself. Going back and forth with him about this wasn't my job. It was too intimate a conversation, so I shook my head and swallowed my concern.
"What did Chosyn wanna know?" I asked instead.
"She cares about you."
"I know."
Honor's jaw flexed. "I don't think you do. Time got in the way of y'all's relationship, and she's still ready to go to war 'bout you."
I lowered my gaze from his, feeling uncomfortable. I wasn't used to Honor looking at me like I was breakable.
"How you know?"
"I heard it in her voice when she called, asking if I knew anything."
"We talked things out. It was weird at first because we kind of got into it, but after that things were cool."
I sat on the arm of the couch opposite him, keeping my distance on purpose.
"She's nothing like I remember. I guess that's a good thing, but…" I paused and rolled my eyes, embarrassed that I was sharing my feelings with a man who didn't give a fuck.
"You don't wanna hear this." I laughed awkwardly.
"I do." His glare darkened like he knew he said too much and was about to pull back but didn't. "It's rare I get to hear how a woman feels without pulling it out of her."
"Oh," I hummed. The nicely sized living room felt oddly small now.
"I don't know, I guess I thought things would pick up where they left off or that the time we spent separated hadn't changed anything."
"But it changed everything," he responded, reading my thoughts.
"Right, and I know that's probably my fault, but it just feels hard with Chosyn.
" I shifted on the arm of the couch. "I expected things to be harder with Emersyn and me since we're just getting to know each other, but it's not.
I feel like I've known her my whole life, and I admire the woman Emersyn is.
She doesn't blame her past for who she is or how she moves. She owns it."
"Chosyn doesn't?" he asked.
I hesitated. "Not really. She's more bitter about it when she should see it as her strength."
"Some shit rocks you so hard you can't see the strength in it. All you see is how weak it's made you," Honor muttered, and I got the feeling that was more about him than it was about me.
"You can tell Chosyn nothing happened to me other than what I told her," I said, offering him an out before he drowned in whatever he wasn't saying.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Doesn't matter," I replied, trying to wave it off. "It's the past."
"The past matters. Someone told me today, you gotta move through your trauma, so you don't carry it like a life sentence."
A lump rose in my throat at how personal that sounded. "Sounds like good advice to me."
"Then take it. Tell me some so I can tell your sister you're good."
My eyes dropped to the floor, and I nodded. I slid down from the arm of the couch and sank into the cushions.
"Nobody touched me if that's what she's thinking." I sighed, struggling to get it out. "Um… things were fine for me until I turned eighteen. I don't even think the sun was fully up when Lucian had Chance drag me out of bed."
Honor's jaw flexed so faintly I almost missed it.
"We stood in front of the fireplace with Lucian, my father, a private officiant, and two witnesses.
Everything happened so fast. The officiant said words I wasn't paying attention to, and Talon's hands were on mine, but they didn't feel like shackles.
They brought comfort. After all the I do's, Lucian shoved a pen in my hand, and I signed.
That's kind of it. I became a wife without knowing what it meant. "
There was more I could've said about my time in the Mancinelli mansion, but it felt pointless. The silence Honor wrapped around what I had already shared was enough to make me swallow the rest.
"Choyce."
Honor slowly dragged a hand down his face, then his eyes found mine. Piercing and dark like always, heavy with the weight he carried, but they weren't guarded. Something softer glinted in them. He moved closer, settling into the space between us instead of filling it.
"I'm sorry that happened to you. Lucian's a sick muthafucka."
Judgment didn't live in his tone. There was no cold detachment masking his expression, just quiet acknowledgment that he saw what I've been carrying.
I felt understood by him, and that scared me.
It planted the kind of hope I had no business watering.
His loyalty and love had already been stitched into the heart of another bitch.
Yet in this moment, I wanted us to be because he wasn't just looking at me… he saw me.
"Uh, I… I have to use the bathroom," I stammered, pushing off the couch.
"You got something to drink?" Honor asked, oblivious to the war raging inside of me.
"Check the kitchen. There's water in the fridge, but there might be juice too. Don't touch the liquor."
A lazy chuckle rolled through him. "Don't worry 'bout me. Worry 'bout pissin' on yourself."
"Whatever," I shot back, smacking his arm playfully to break eye contact before I embarrassed myself.
As I turned away, I could still feel him watching.
Heat bloomed across my cheeks as I grabbed my phone off the end table and hurried upstairs.
I slipped into my bedroom and ducked into the adjoining bathroom.
I leaned my back against the door and exhaled slowly.
Unlocking my phone, I tapped Emersyn's contact and called her.
"Yess," she answered.
"Is that how you answer the phone?" I asked, thrown off by her dry tone.
"When I don't know the reason for the call… yes."
"Uh, okay."
"What do you need, Choyce?"
"Advice," I rushed out.
"About?"
"Honor, he's—"
"I thought we agreed you were going to leave that man alone?" she cut in.
"I didn't call him over."
"Then how did he end up there?"
Rolling my eyes, I ran through everything that happened, from calling Kage because I wanted dick to Honor showing up and everything after. She was quiet for half a second when I finished.
"Wait… not you trying to get fucked by my man," she gasped. "I thought you said he was a virgin?"
"He is."
"But you wanted to sleep with him?"
"I did because for once in my life I wanted to feel wanted by someone."
"Mhm," she hummed skeptically. "Well, I don't believe a man that fine is a virgin."
My brows knitted together in irritation. "Does that even matter right now? All I want to know is what you think I should do about Honor."
Every second I stayed on this phone felt risky, like the softer version of him would disappear and he'd turn back into the cold, detached nigga I was used to.
"I don't know what to tell you. This can get messy. Honor is with Navy."
"I don't care, and I really don't give a fuck about anyone who's a product of Lucian's sperm."
"In that case, do it. Whatever you need this moment to be, let it be that."
"So, I should be selfish?"
"If you really don't care about the fallout, then yeah, be selfish. Take all that you need from it and move on."
"Okay," I muttered, but didn't know what moving on would even look like.
"I mean that last part, Choyce," she sternly said. "Have your fun and move on. You deserve more than being a nut for a nigga who'll never claim you."
"Damn."
"It's the truth. As much as you're using this situation, he is too. Him being drunk—"
"He's not drunk," I groaned. "Don't make it weird like I'm taking advantage of him."
"I'm not. I'm saying whatever made him lower his guard won't last forever. Tomorrow he'll be right back to treating you like a bitch he can't stand."
"If you don't want me to do it, just say that." I sighed.
"Oh no, I think you should," she insisted without hesitation. "Lucian robbed you of the years where you get to make mistakes and blame it on being young. This might be your little taste of that. Just keep your heart out of it."
"How, when he's everything I see myself wanting in a man?"
"Honor's everything your father wasn't," she gently corrected. "That doesn't make him perfect for you. He's a protector, a great one, but he's not yours."
"Ugh!" I groaned, biting my bottom lip.
"Girl, either go downstairs and hop on that dick and take me to lunch tomorrow to tell me all about it or kick him out and use that Rose I saw in your nightstand."
"You went through my stuff?"
"How else was I supposed to know if I'm safe in your home?" She laughed, but I knew she meant it.
"Buss a nut for me," she joked before hanging up.
I slid my phone into the pocket of my sweats and looked at myself in the mirror. The woman staring back didn't seem broken, but she wasn't whole either. There were pieces of myself still missing, some stolen, some buried, some I never got the chance to grow into.
"Are you really about to do this?" I whispered to my reflection.
Fucking Honor was wrong, but so was Lucian forcing me to sleep with his gay son.
Since I was eighteen, I'd known what it felt like to have a man inside of my body without him feeling a desire to be there.
Every moment in Talon's bed felt mechanical, like we were performing intimacy instead of experiencing it.
Now, at twenty-six, I was craving the opposite of choreographed sex.
I wanted unscripted and messy in the way that would leave me heavy with guilt but not an ounce of regret.
I thought love was what I wanted from Honor, but now I wasn't sure. The way he looked at me wasn't how a man looks at the woman he loves. It was a gaze heavy with want and blurred by desire. His darkened browns didn't promise forever, but they promised to make me feel, and I wanted to feel.