Epilogue Forever Hood
GUTTA BARBIE
My feet sunk into the sand as I walked the beach hand in hand with War.
He kept me close to his side at all times as if the ocean would sweep me up at any second.
But I understood why, I was an emotional wreck.
The scenery was amazing, the pink decorations went perfectly with the late night pink and purple sky.
It was her favorite color, always was and always would be, so that was the color we chose to use in her remembrance.
Pink balloons surrounded us as we all joined together.
White covered stools formed into a circle in the middle sat a beautiful gold cage dusted in pink specs of gloss.
Inside of the cage was the most beautiful white bird that I had ever seen.
Its feathers were full of life, the meaning made me once more emotional. I looked into the late night sky.
I missed her so much.
Every single day.
She crossed my mind.
Every second.
Pictures of Hood Brat in beautiful gold and pink chrome picture frames surrounded the beach. Different moments of her life.
Different memories.
Some with me.
Those were the ones that made me the most emotional. The pain hasn’t gone away. It has settled nor has it gotten better like most people said it would. There wasn’t a soul on this earth that could replace Hood Brat, she was someone that was irreplaceable.
My daughter Harmony Brianna clinged onto my hand as she wobbled onto the beach. As soon as she saw Hitman and Holly's son Jace she looked at me with her beautiful eyes wide and full of hope.
“Go ahead.” I told her smiling as she took off wobbling towards her cousin Jace.
The two of them were very close. At the age of one they were both walking, potty trained and knew more words than most toddlers. Having them both was a blessing. That was the reason why I had chosen to name Harmony after Hood Brat. She was my blessing from God, my miracle baby girl.
She ran from Jace as he chased her and jumped right into her dads arms. War was an absolute amazing father figure to Harmony.
He treated her as if she was his own biological daughter.
The two were close, inseparable. I loved everything about their relationship.
He wouldn’t hesitate going to War behind his daughter.
Her name and portrait was tattooed across his chest, parts of it could be seen under the white tank he wore.
I smiled seeing them laughing and playing as War tickled Harmony causing her to bend over in laughter.
The entire Dirty D’s family came up to the beach to celebrate the life of Hood Brat.
The parking lot was full of cars, trucks and motorcycles.
We had the jet skis popping, a violinist and the food table was off the chart like always.
The host had really done her big one and we went all out for Hood Brat stopping at no expense.
Even my cousin Ken drove down from New York to come and celebrate my best friend's life. The turn out was beautiful, peaceful and full of love and joy.
“How are you feeling?” War asked, joining my side after chasing the kids around. I looked at him and gave him a half smile.
Some days were better than most, but I was still hurting.
“Emotional.” I truthfully answered.
“That night has something to do with it.” He smiled while nodding at my small round stomach.
Nobody knew that I was pregnant with my second child. This time both War and I were hoping for a boy. That would complete us both and make our family whole.
I smiled.
“Shhhh!” I whispered.
I wanted to wait until after Hood Brats Memorial to tell everybody. This pregnancy was a special one. It was me and War's first biological child.
“How long do you think I can keep it in? I wanna tell the world and you have me sneaking around whispering and shit.” War complained.
“Babe, we’re going to tell everybody after today. I promise.” I assured him.
He didn’t like me keeping his child a secret one bit.
War wanted to shout it to the world and I understood his reasonings but he also understood mine. This was an emotional time for all of us. I didn’t want to take the attention off of Hood Brat. Today was all about her. My good news could wait for another time.
I stared down at a picture of Hood Brat.
She was more beautiful than ever. We all sat down to have dinner together as the violinist played Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross.
The food was amazing, stuffed chicken, asparagus, and mashed potatoes.
The chef had done an amazing job but the way my emotions were taking over listening to the violinist, I didn’t have much of an appetite.
War noticed and quietly removed me from the table.
We excused ourselves and walked the beach hand in hand.
He knew that I was having a moment and needed some space.
There was no book that came with grief. Nothing could fix this shit.
The waves were beautiful as they approached the shore. The long pink dress that I wore was long passing my ankles. War held the bottom of my dress as we walked, preventing it from getting soaked by the waves. We walked together in silence just enjoying the view.
The sunset painted the sky in shades of gold, lavender, and rose as I stepped into the water. I couldn’t believe that a year had passed by without my homegirl. My feelings were all over the place, and I knew that this day was going to be hard to try to keep my emotions in control.
Today was a celebration of her life, her memories, and her spirit. I wanted to keep the vibes high vibrational, but I could already sense myself crashing the fuck out.
For a moment, I couldn’t move.
It was beautiful.
More beautiful than I ever imagined.
I looked back at my friends and family all sitting together enjoying dinner. I felt rude walking away. But I knew that they didn’t like seeing me this way. Lately I have been having bad anxiety attacks, sometimes they come out of nowhere without provoking.
White and gold candles lined around them.
Pink greenery wrapped around crystal lanterns.
Hundreds of photographs hung from delicate ribbons, dancing softly in the evening breeze.
There was a souvenir table decorated with the same colors, gold, and pink greenery.
There sat a cake tower in the middle of the table that had her face painted on top.
She was so beautiful and was greatly missed.
Photographs of her. I stood still staring at it for minutes, trying my best to hold back my tears.
Hood Brat.
Laughing.
Smiling.
Making faces.
Holding babies.
Dancing.
Living.
Loving.
Being exactly who she was.
The person that I missed.
My chest tightened.
A whole damn year.
One year since we lost her.
One year since our hearts shattered.
And somehow…
We were still here.
It was time to rejoin my friends. I took a deep breath and made my way back to the tables.
Harmony spotted us and ran toward us. She was so precious. I knew that she was a gift from God.
My baby girl had my eyes.
The same stubborn attitude, too.
“Mommy is sad.” Harmony frowned.
She was smart; the doctors said she was in the one percentile, making her one of the smartest babies in the world. She was good with recognizing emotions.
The little miracle that came into our lives when we needed hope the most.
A few feet away stood Holly and Hitman.
Their son was running between the tables while everyone chased after him, falling every couple of steps. It was funny that even though he was the oldest of the two, Harmony had been the one to teach Lil Hitman how to walk. I knew they were going to grow up to be problems.
His little laughter echoed across the beach.
Hitman looked exhausted. That dad shit was taking a toll on him.
Holly looked amused.
Some things never changed.
Further down stood Hood Gorgeous and her fiancé, with their child not too far away.
My sister and her man were wrapped up in each other’s arms as always. The two were inseparable and had a strong bond.
Happy.
Safe.
Loved.
For so many years, all of us had survived.
Now we were finally learning how to live.
The memorial table sat in the center of everything.
Covered in white roses.
Gold candles.
And photographs.
At the front sat the largest picture.
Hood Brat is smiling that smile.
The one that always made it seem like she knew something the rest of us didn’t.
Tears burned my eyes.
War appeared beside me. I knew that I was going to break; it was hard not to. War stayed up under me, trying to keep me from checking out, but I was getting stronger by the day and doing way better than I had expected.
Without saying a word, he slipped his arm around my waist.
I leaned into him.
“She would’ve loved this.”
His voice was soft.
I nodded.
“Yeah.”
My throat tightened as the violinist played Missing You by Tamia, Brandy, Gladys Knight and Chaka Khan.
“She would’ve talked trash about all of us crying, though.”
War laughed.
A real laugh.
The kind that healed things.
“Definitely.”
I smiled through tears. He didn’t know her that long, but the two had gotten along. Hood Brat spoke very highly of him, which was one of the reasons I wanted to make sure things stayed strong between War and me.
“She would’ve told Hitman to stop acting soft.”
Across the beach, Hitman immediately pointed toward us.
“Y’all talking about me?”
Everyone laughed.
The sound filled the evening air.
For a moment, it felt like she was there.
Like she was laughing with us.
Like she never left.
And I knew that she didn’t. Her spirit still lived on; it could still be felt.
The memorial ceremony began as the sun disappeared behind the skyline.
Everyone gathered around.
Hand in hand.
Heart beside heart.
The pastor spoke about love.
About friendship.
About family.
About the people who leave fingerprints on our souls forever, and that was exactly what Hood Brat had done.
By the time he finished, almost everyone was crying.
Including me.
Especially me.
Because grief never really leaves.