SIX | FALLEN
“Fallen, don’t be mad at me.” Caitlyn said from behind me. “What? Why would I be mad at you?”
“Well, that guy that you used to be with?—”
“What did you do?” I turned around with wide eyes.
She stepped back nervously and looked everywhere, but at me.
“He gave me a hundred dollars to give him your schedule.” She said quietly.
I closed my eyes and shook my head hearing her confession. I inhaled a slow breath and opened my mouth to speak before Blaine’s late ass interrupted me.
“It’s fine Caitlyn just don’t do that shit again. First of all, our schedules should be kept private to employees within the store and don’t be so thirsty for some money or a nigga’s attention, okay?”
“Blaine, I wasn’t being thirsty, I thought he was just trying to surprise her or something, but I haven’t seen him around the store?—”
“Caitlyn, it’s fine, just don’t give out my schedule to anyone else.” I told her and finished doing inventory of the accessories.
“Sorry, I’m late.” Blaine offered.
“Sorry?” I raised an eyebrow as I looked at her with a grin.
Blaine wasn’t the worse employee, but she was far from the best. She came in late all the time and had never once apologized for it until now, something was up.
“Yea, I’m really late?—”
“Later than usual.” I glanced at my Apple watch to confirm. “Thirty minutes later than your usual ten or fifteen minutes.”
“Look, I said I was sorry, don’t push it.” She rolled her eyes before she attempted to limp away.
“Oh, hell no! Bitch, give me details, that nigga got you limping sis?” I laughed loudly.
Blaine looked around the empty store with wide eyes before she looked back at me, “Can you lower yo damn voice?”
“Ain’t nobody in here and Caitlyn too busy over there trying to stay out yo way to be paying any attention.” I waved her off. “So, how was last night?”
“It was cool.” She attempted to hide a smile, but I could see it poking through.
“Nah, bitch it was more than just cool. You limping so clearly the sex was good, but I mean did it feel weird?”
“Not at all.” She shook her head, this time not hiding the wide smile on her face. “I can’t believe how comfortable I was with him. I didn’t want to leave.”
“Really?” I smiled with her. “I’m happy for you.”
“Happy for me? For what?” she shrugged.
“I mean I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. You deserve to be happy.”
“We’re supposed to be linking up later after I get off at the club, but I’m a little nervous about it.” She admitted.
“Why are you nervous? We just talked about this yesterday.”
“I know, I just thought he would say some stupid shit or do something that would make it easy to not call him again. But being with him was...nice.” She smiled.
“Nice?” I repeated with a wide grin. “Let me find out yo mean ass might be actually giving Kyrie a chance.”
***
Watching Blaine walk out with her “spinnanight bag” made me a little jealous.
A few days ago, I really felt like I missed Sam, so I checked her Snapchat and saw her most recent snap with one of the girls from the club she managed.
The same female she claimed she was so worried about flirting with me had her arms draped over her while she kissed her neck.
After seeing that video I realized I was just lonely and bored.
My life consisted of other people’s problems or needs before now, if it wasn’t Sam then it was Blaine I was catering to.
Without either of them, I was alone, and I hated it.
I even thought about calling Jamar, but I quickly dismissed that idea.
His baby mama was all over social media calling him a dead beat or a sorry ass nigga.
She even created a page dedicated to warning females that he wasn’t shit he pretended to be.
It wasn’t that I was scared of what she was saying because I could tell she was just being a bitter bitch; my issue was the fact that she was even doing it at all.
He created a life and not once in the few months we were kicking it did he mention that part of his life.
I really liked him, I was willing to be more than friends, I planned to be more than friends and then I got blindsided by all the bullshit.
“Hey little girl.” My mama’s voice filled my car once my Bluetooth connected.
“Hey lady, how are you?”
She sighed, “I’m good, I guess.”
“You don’t sound good, what’s wrong?” I frowned as I glanced down at my phone display. I knew she couldn’t see my frown, but I hated that something was bothering her.
“Nothing, really. I’m just frustrated.”
“Please don’t tell me it has something to do with daddy.” I groaned.
“Doesn’t it always? I’m sick of his shit, but what else is new? How are you? I called Blaine and she’s working, as usual.”
“Guess you’re stuck with me.” I laughed.
“Nobody could ever be just, stuck with you Fallen. I know I wasn’t always the best mom—” She started before I cut her off.
“Mom, you were absolutely the best mom. Do you remember when that girl—Vicky was trying to bully me, and you came to the school to defend me?”
“Damn, right! You was my oldest girl so if somebody was fucking with you then I had to put in some work.”
“Ma, You was ready to beat up a teenager because she threw juice on me.” I laughed.
“Well, you ain’t have no older sister all you had was me and when I got pregnant with you, I promised myself y’all would be stronger than me.
I never wanted you or your sister to be like these weak hoes, tripping over these ain’t shit niggas.
For a second I thought I fucked up with Blaine after all that shit with Tremaine. ”
“You know how it is when you’re young, sometimes you get caught up especially in your first love.” I reminded her.
“Did I fuck up with you?”
I knew it hurt her to ask and I hated that she even had to.
I didn’t grow up with a mom that cared more for her boyfriend than me.
My mom bent over backwards to make sure Blaine and I were well dressed and well cared for; my mom sacrificed everything for us.
She worked two jobs most of our childhood and never blinked an eye.
Of course, she wasn’t perfect, but she never made me feel like I didn’t matter to her.
“Of course not! Why would you ask me that?” I frowned.
After Willis stole my virginity, I kept my mouth shut and tried to go on about my life as best I could. I was old enough to recognize the twinkle in my mama’s eye when it came to him, so I kept my mouth shut and rolled with the punches.
“That shit with Willis still fucks with me so, I know it fucks with you.”
“Mama, I didn’t tell you until it was too late, I should have told you the minute that nasty ass nigga started that shit. I just wanted you to be happy.”
“I never should have made you feel like that. I’m sorry you felt like that.” She sighed.
“Mama, you didn’t make me feel like nothing. I saw how daddy used to cheat on you and all the drama you went through with him, after him too. I loved you and I wanted you to be happy. I still do.” I admitted.
“You gotta stop worrying about other people’s happiness and focus on your own. The only person’s happiness you should be worried about is yours.”
I’d heard everything she was saying before, but I had been focusing on her and Blaine most of my life. My dad was in and out of jail for selling dope or whatever other illegal shit he was into at the time so, my job was to get good grades and help take care of Blaine.
“I hear you mama.” I nodded.
“Fallen, stop living for me, for Blaine, for your punk ass daddy; go do whatever makes you happy. I mean it.”
I exhaled a slow breath, that was the problem. What made me happy?
***
“Look at you doing the walk of shame.” I laughed as Blaine attempted to sneak past me.
“Why are you sleeping on the couch?”
“I dozed off watching T.V. what are you doing sneaking in at—” I picked up the remote on the coffee table and pressed info to get the time, “eleven-thirty in the morning?”
“Ugh, stop tending to my business and find some of your own.”
She was right. I was so busy clocking Blaine because I didn’t have shit going on in my own life.
A part of me wanted to reach out to Jamar, but my pride wouldn’t let me.
Being around Jamar made me feel sexy and wanted, but it was more than just being wanted.
Anytime I was with Jamar, I felt more comfortable and safer than I ever felt with anyone outside my family.
I loved that feeling, but at the same time it scared the shit out of me.
“Jamar’s baby mama had their daughter last night, she’s beautiful...healthy.” She nodded as she sat beside me.
“Okay, and what are you telling me for?” I shrugged.
“He asked about you.”
“Well, he shouldn’t have, he has a daughter he should be concerned about not me.
” I pushed the throw blanket off my body and headed for the bathroom avoiding the conversation.
I sat on the toilet and scrolled through IG, stopping to gaze at the image of Jamar and his baby mama with their daughter through teary eyes.