Phoebe Press Play
PHOEBE
PRESS PLAY
Since starting school, I hadn’t seen Syior.
I knew he and I had a routine, but I had now been fucking with my new number three, Xavier.
I kind of liked where we were. When I was with him, I didn’t have any reminders of Kyle.
When I was with Syior, the memories flooded me like a cesspool.
However, I did feel somewhat bad about cutting him off.
If I had to choose, it would have been between Syior and Xavier.
They both offered me something other than sex that I enjoyed.
The more Xavier and I got to know each other, the more I pulled away from Syior.
I realized I was entangled in something difficult to escape.
My emotions surged, leaving me confused and disoriented.
The more I felt backed against a wall, the more my wounds deepened.
That was the thing about being a cutter: we found more reasons to treat our skin as a filler for pain.
It had gone from nightmares of the night Kyle died as my excuse to the idea of me killing him to the pressure my parents applied and now to me dealing with men who only wanted the one thing I afforded them in my rules.
Sex had become my second coping mechanism, but when that didn’t fill the void, it was back to the razor.
I was hopeless and pathetic. Now here I was, sitting between men who either wanted more from me or truly wanted nothing at all, while I couldn’t find the words to say I wanted someone to love me.
Then there was Percy, who wanted me, but I couldn’t see past what we already had.
Tonight, I was cutting everyone off. It only seemed right.
It didn’t matter who I liked, since it’s clear I was the one with the problem.
So, I I figured, why not start with number three, Xavier?
I told him to meet me by the statue on campus.
I had just pulled up to the school when I got a text from Percy that he needed to see me. I checked the time and had a few minutes to spare, so I was hurrying to the Mercier building when Samara stopped me. “Phoebe!” she called out.
“Hey,” I replied.
“I wanted to know if you wanted to hang with the girls and me again.” She laughed.
They were cool and all, but right now I didn’t want to hang with anyone.
I just wanted to be alone, but I was determined to do this.
“I-I...” I paused as I saw the anxiousness in her eyes.
“Shit, sure. Take my number, text me the details, and I will show up. I’m not trying to search for y’all in the parking lot like the game,” I said, giving her a dry laugh.
She pulled her phone out and tapped it against mine. “You haven’t seen Dio, have you?”
My face frowned. “No. I have class with him on Mondays and Wednesdays.”
She nodded. “Okay. Well, see you soon,” she said as she sadly walked off.
Seeing how she was over Dio reminded me why I avoided having a boyfriend.
The chase, the sadness, and the worry that they might be cheating.
Giving your heart to someone who couldn’t love you the way you needed.
The fear of not being accepted for who I was underneath it all.
Syior, I could never bring home to my parents.
Xavier, I could, but even then, he wouldn’t be good enough.
So, instead of setting myself up for failure, I became the girl who failed.
I stuffed my phone in my pocket as I went to meet up with Percy, then make my way to Xavier.