15 #2
I laughed bitterly, knowing I wasn’t being fair, but if we were going to have any kind of future together, I had to get it all out.
“They didn’t even try to hide it. Sometimes they gave really . . . intimate details. Like they were comparing notes.”
The tears finally broke free, spilling hot down my cheeks.
“Why do you think I started driving to school by myself?” I forced out.
“That was because of me?” he whispered, eyes widening.
“Yes.” The word cracked apart in my throat. “So were all those library trips and any other antisocial things I did.” I tried to smile through the tears but failed. “I couldn’t stand to be around you because there were always girls hanging off you.”
Nash closed his eyes, his jaw tightening as he fought to control his emotions. I could see the tension and the internal struggle in the way he stood. I picked up the coffee cup and drained the last bit, the warmth doing nothing to calm the ache in my chest.
“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, loud enough for me to hear.
“That’s actually not quite true,” I continued, feeling like I needed to be fully honest. “I could handle them clinging to you. I just couldn’t handle it when you reciprocated.”
Nash let out a deep groan, tilting his head back, staring up at the ceiling like it held the answers. Like he wished he could take back years of choices.
“I’m so sorry, Kennedy. I didn’t know,” he said hoarsely. “I swear, Kennedy. I didn’t know.”
“I know,” I said softly. “Me neither.”
Silence swept between us, thick and heavy. I fidgeted with the empty cup, unsure what came next.
Finally, he spoke again.
“I don’t think I ever let myself fully understand what I was feeling for you,” he admitted. “Looking back . . . I think I was afraid of making a move and getting shut down. It was too big of a risk to lose what we had.”
I swallowed hard.
I got that.
It was exactly how I’d felt. Still did. At least partially.
“Then I went to college,” he continued, voice quieter. “And I acted out. I know what it looked like, but part of it was this girl I was seeing casually. It was right around the time the scouts were zeroing in on me and things were getting serious. And then one night she told me she was pregnant.”
My mouth fell open. “What?”
“I was nineteen, Ken.” His jaw tightened. “I barely knew how to handle the pressure of college hockey, and suddenly I saw my entire future change just like that.” He snapped his fingers. “In the blink of an eye.”
He swallowed hard. “For two weeks, I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t focus. I thought I’d blown everything before I even got the chance to prove myself. I was scared out of my freaking mind.”
My chest tightened. I’d had no idea.
“It turned out she wasn’t,” he said quietly. “She lied. Or maybe she really thought she was. I don’t even know. But those two weeks . . . they changed me.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just stayed quiet.
“After that, I didn’t let anyone get close. Everything after that was just casual. Easy. Nothing that could hurt me.”
My heart broke for the young man he used to be. “I’m so sorry, Nash. I had no idea.”
“I know. Nobody did, except Mitch. But I didn’t trust myself after that. And you . . . well, we weren’t at the same place anymore. I told myself maybe it was better that way.”
That hit hard, because I had chosen that distance.
“Nash . . .”
“You were never just casual to me, Ken. I knew that if I ever went there with you, it wouldn’t be just another relationship. It would be everything.”
I blinked, tears filling my eyes again.
“I know I’m the reason we lost touch,” he continued, “and I’m really, truly sorry for that, Kennedy.”
“But—”
“Mitch once said I wanted every woman I was with to be you,” Nash went on, rubbing the back of his neck. “And I’m not sure that’s fully true. But I think part of it might be.”
I took a shaky breath, then lifted my eyes to his.
And suddenly . . . everything made sense.
“It’s always been you,” I whispered, and the second I said it, everything inside me crumbled. Sobs tore out of me, ugly and uncontrollable, shaking my whole body as I reached for him.
He bent and kissed the top of my head, his hands moving slowly up and down my back as he held me. And somehow, even through my sobs, I felt safe. Anchored.
“It’s always been you for me too, Ken,” he murmured, voice thick with emotion.
A small laugh escaped me through the tears. “This is so messed up.”
He chuckled softly, his breath warm against my hair. “It really is.”
He held me while I cried, my tears soaking into his bare skin. When I finally pulled back enough to look at him, I froze.
His cheeks were wet, and his eyes were bloodshot, filled with raw emotion.
“We really screwed up, didn’t we?” I asked, letting out a small snort despite everything.
“Yeah, we really did,” he agreed, his voice thick.
I wiped at the tears.
“I want this, Kennedy,” he said quietly.
“Okay,” I whispered fiercely. “Me too.”
Nash leaned down and pressed his soft lips to mine, but his eyes—those deep-green eyes—never left mine. When he pulled back, his voice was full of urgency.
“But you have to promise, Kennedy,” he said, “that we talk about things from now on.”
I nodded, feeling the weight and sincerity of his words settle over me.
“Yeah,” I breathed. “Okay. I promise.”
He rested his head gently on top of mine and sighed. Being wrapped up in him—with his warmth surrounding me—felt like pure contentment. Like everything I’d always wanted. His body molded perfectly to mine, and I relaxed fully, feeling completely safe and at peace for the first time in years.
Exactly where I wanted to be.