Chapter Seventeen
Students began throwing on coats and scarves over their sweatshirts. The sound of zippers and mumbles echoed through the bronze wrapped vaulted ceiling. Julia zipped her own, wrapping her white scarf tighter around her neck.
Every student was accounted for and in groups they began to filter out of the building. Julia waited towards the back with her own, visually sweeping through the lobby for any lost stragglers or personal items.
Erin stood on the other side of the room, checking in with each chaperone as they left. Julia didn’t even have to ask her. She always stepped up, always tethering Julia to Earth.
As the last group left the room, it was just Erin and her. She began her way back to Julia, walking quickly but not avoiding eye contact–an open letter to express that she saw her, saw what was underneath.
“Are you ready to go?” Erin asked, one hand placed gently on her lower back. It was such a simple touch, but it wrapped her in such a wave of relief.
“Absolutely,” Julia responded, her voice serene and cool.
She picked her bag off the floor where she rested it moments ago. Erin touched base with each of their students, making sure no one was missing a backpack or phone. They began to disperse–the last of the pack, a final calm moment to say goodbye.
Just as Julia placed her hand on the door, holding it open as Erin and a student walked past, she heard that voice again. Marin stood in the doorway of the theater. Her suit jacket hung from her left hand, dragging on the ground as she slowly approached. Her eyes were puffy and pink.
“Jules,” she begged, almost as if asking her to stay, almost as if her heart wasn’t made of the same ice that outlined her eyes.
Julia shouldn’t have, but she looked back at her. She caught those aqua pools contrasting the stark gold around them. Oh, how easy it would be to fall into her again.
She waited for the day to come. Not the play, not being in the city again, but the moment when Marin would stand before her. She held onto those damn divorce papers for so long, hopelessly thinking it would bring her back, even if only to fight for that signature.
She wanted so badly for so long just to hear her say her name like that again. She imagined what she’d say. She thought about all the ways she’d convince her that she was enough–convince her that she would change, that she could change.
She closed her eyes and pictured how she’d wrap her arms around her and then finally, finally, Marin would realize how big of a mistake she made. Finally, Marin would realize that this, this is a once in a lifetime love.
Now that she stood before her, even in that unprecedented situation, she didn’t want any of it. That hope she clung to like a last dying breath–the hope that held her up while at the same time slowly disintegrating pieces of her into dust–was gone. She was weighed down by regret. Her bones felt hollow, but at the same time made of osmium–the intense weight tearing apart her joints as she hesitated every strained choice.
A voice echoed from the walkway behind Marin. The woman who sat beside her, who shared stolen laughs and smiles with her, approached her from behind.
“Mar,” she called with a smile, “there you are.”
Marin didn’t turn around. Her eyes were locked on Julia as if she forgot she truly existed until seeing her in the flesh. Isn’t it funny how only after you experience the absence of something–a car without air conditioning in a New York summer, the ruckus of children after they leave for college–that you realize the importance of it? Isn’t it funny how it always takes us until the moment it’s too late until it sinks in?
Julia’s breath quickened as a tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. Of course she had someone else already. She watched as that tear fell before her and shattered like broken glass on the tile below. She looked up at Erin who stood at the other door ten feet away.
She had to make a choice.
One, two…
It would just take one word.
Three, four…
She could try to get it all back. Everything could be okay again. She could have everything again.
Five.
But it wouldn’t be the same, and there was Erin.
She lifted her hand from the latch on the handle and allowed the door to close behind her. The latch clicked into place and instead of shutting anything else out, she felt like a world of pain was exploding within her pores. Erin opened the other door that she was holding and they both braved the cold winter air.
Have you ever wanted something so badly, so incredibly much that you’d lay everything on the line for it? It sits in the back of your mind at every moment. It haunts your dreams, telling you it could never come true. It’s always there, always just out of reach.
But then? Then something magical happens and you get that one thing you dreamed so long for, but everything doesn’t fall into place like the pieces of a puzzle. It turns out nothing fits together at all. Instead, you’re standing there like a fool because the dream you held in your head could never match the reality given. Because it was never really what you wanted in the first place.
“Let’s go!” Julia smiled at her group, just noticing Jonathan held his students behind too.
He wrapped his jacket tighter around himself, shivering in the relentless wind, as he turned and started walking. He took the lead and students filed in line just as they had while walking the halls in kindergarten.
Julia quickened her pace, which landed her in the middle of the bustle. She didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to be asked if she was okay. She didn’t want Erin’s eyes to go small with worry and curiosity for the thoughts that flooded her mind. She wouldn’t know what to tell her when they did.
The weather slowed, but just a bit–a swirl of flurries floating like dust above their heads. The wind gently tossed ripples of snow across the road as taxis sped by. The iciness of the air pinched their skin. The sun threatened to peek through a gloomy blue sky, small glistening snowflakes escaping between clouds.
Two students in front of Julia laughed while flipping through selfies taken while the phantom sang on stage. Behind her, she overheard two more ratings of how ‘hot’ the main actress was in that sheer gown.
She turned around, walking backwards as she flashed them a look of disapproval. They instantly blushed, focusing their attention on the concrete beneath the rock salt instead of her glowering eyes.
Julia grazed over the rest of the students, making sure everyone was still together, still accounted for. She watched Erin talk to a student in the back, her hands moving a mile a minute as her smile broke into a laugh. She was about to turn back towards the front when she heard a rough man’s voice shout.
“Hey bay-bee!”
He stood from where he was resting against a building to their right, a lit cigarette half smoked in his hand. He stepped towards Erin as she ushered the students to continue walking. They plowed on, unconcerned about anything other than their own being.
She kept her sight straight ahead, ignoring him like Julia had told her to do. Until he reached out and grabbed her.
“Hey! I was talking to you!”
The students didn’t notice she wasn’t there anymore. Julia stopped dead in her tracks, everyone passing by in a blur with phones in their hands, distracted by the loud chatter. She watched it unfold before her.
He gripped her arm tightly, twisting her into him. No. His footsteps swayed slightly with his drunk demeanor. No. Erin’s face was blank, but even at that distance, Julia could see the tremor in her hands. No!
“Remove your hand–” Erin began, but it seemed like his grip just tightened. Her voice was stern but her jaw slacked, eyes widened with fear.
“When a nice man says hello,” he began, but Julia was already there.
“You will remove that hand from her person right now.” Julia was stone, her eyes glossed over in fury as her hands twitched at her sides.
He stared back at her eye level, not releasing his grip, but his glare flickered. It was almost as if he wanted to see what she would do. Luckily, those two months of defense classes she and Keegan took were finally going to pay off.
Julia grabbed his free arm and jerked him so hard he gasped. If she twisted it just a little more, she could’ve dislodged his shoulder. If there wasn’t a chance of one of her students seeing, she would’ve and then decked him square in the face, just on principle.
She took a step closer towards him, positioning her body to be a shield, to take a bullet if needed. She took Erin’s arm and pulled it from his grasp. She hid Erin’s body behind hers, a fortress that would not be broken.
“You’re a sorry excuse for a human being,” Julia spat as she took Erin by one hand, the other pressed firmly to her back, rushing her back to the group of students still walking.
Julia wanted to say more to him. She wanted to scream in his smug face while lighting his clothes on fire–an entire eruption of all the frustration locked inside. She wanted him to understand that women are not things, that he can’t just go around and grab people because they don’t want to pay him any mind. Not Erin. Not her.
Julia kept her hand pressed firmly against her back as she walked faster. He shouted to their backs, huffing before falling back against his wall–the sound of his crinkling coat like nails on a chalkboard.
They were almost to the students, but she didn’t slow down. She wanted Erin to be as far away as she could get. It surprised her when Erin slowed down, pressing against the force she held on her back. Julia could feel her pulse quicken beneath her hands.
Erin pulled her towards one side of the sidewalk–not able to rush anymore, not able to force her shaking legs to go any further–dropping her arms to her knees as she leaned on them for support.
“What can I do?” Julia asked, kneeling on the cold concrete to look up at her with empty arms she couldn’t settle.
“T-that,” Erin stuttered. “That, that was so–” She stood and ran her hands through her natural curls–always the same hand, always the same way–her sweaty palms sticking as she pulled her fingers out.
“I know, I’m sorry.” Julia’s voice was one long panicked strain. “I should have gotten to you sooner. I shouldn’t have been so far away. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”
She reached a hand out and touched Erin’s upper arm, rubbing it softly in an automatic rhythm that she fell into as familiar as the hairbrush you put to your scalp each morning.
“Did he hurt you? Do you need to see a doctor? Should I call the police? What do you want me to d–”
Erin cut her off. “No, it’s what could have happened that scares me the most.” Her voice shook in the quietest, most child-like way. Her shaking hands vibrated against the sides of her hips. “If you hadn’t seen me–”
“That would never have happened.” Julia looked right into her eyes. “I always see you.”
“If you didn’t look back at that very moment, if no one noticed I fell behind,” she paused, swallowing audibly as she lifted one hand to her chest just to make sure she could feel the thud.
“I would have noticed,” Julia’s voice was almost a plea. “If you weren’t there, I would have noticed.” I always notice.
If she was focused, she would’ve been walking right next to Erin, and that man would have never gotten that close. She could’ve protected her from every thought that now flooded her mind, every nightmare that currently looped in her head. She could’ve protected her. Protect her. She never wanted to be farther than a breath span apart.
They stood there as the wind whipped against them. The clouds overtook the sun and more wisps of matter danced in the sky. Julia became too aware of how far the students traveled during their detour.
“Come on.” Julia motioned towards where the students were. “I promise I won’t leave your side.” Never. She wanted to say if she could, if she had the chance, she’d never leave her.
They didn’t say anything else while they walked closer to the group, arms silently touching, even in their haste. She didn’t ask Erin if she was okay; she knew she wasn’t. Her green eyes weren’t shining jade pearls anymore. They were an empty landscape, void of everything other than the absent-minded wind rustling the grass blades.
They were mute while they loaded the students on, counting each bus one last time. In utter silence, the doors closed, and the lights turned off overhead, casting them in dusk covered darkness. They didn’t say anything when they stopped for dinner, or when they boarded the buses again.
When they arrived at the school and the last of the students were picked up by exhausted, eager parents, they only smiled weakly before walking towards their own cars. As Julia approached her car, she stopped and leaned her head against the roof.
She wanted to go after Erin. She wanted to hold her until everything was okay again. She wanted to keep her promise, that if she just stood by her side, nothing would go wrong. She wanted to apologize again. Not just for leaving her towards the back as they walked, but for everything else. For pushing her away. For running away. For making her feel like she was the only one with wavering thoughts.
For Marin.
For what Marin did to her. For how broken she was. For not realizing sooner that only the electricity felt through her fingertips can ground her, that nothing else came closer to that feeling of home. For everything. She wished sorry could seep through her skin and crash onto concrete like a hailstorm.