Chapter Twenty-Two
Ben’s large frame was caught in her peripheral. His dark hair was parted and pulled back in waves on the sides. He lit up like the sun at the sight of his wife.
Keegan stood and accepted a kiss on the cheek, her fingers already straightening his jacket before he could even attempt to look Julia’s way. Once she pulled her hands away, Ben reached over and hugged Julia.
“It’s so good to see you, Ben.”
The smell of burnt oak and nighttime musk tickled her nose. His fitted black suit and cobalt tie matched Keegan’s dress.
“You too, Julia.” He stepped just slightly to the side to reveal his companion. “Thank you for joining us.”
Lauren was a taller woman, almost the same stature as Julia. Her white heels only accentuated her long legs. Her hair was long and dirty blonde, just a few shades darker than Julia’s, and it fell in pin straight lines over the front of her shoulders.
She wore a fitted white dress that halted mid-thigh, leaving little to the imagination. Her black belt only highlighted her waist, pulling Julia’s eyes so hard she had to focus on the glasses on her face instead.
While Keegan told her numerous stories about Lauren, she’d never actually met her. Her eyes were the deepest shade of brown, almost disappearing behind the reflection of her lenses. She was beautiful, striking in a way you wouldn’t expect–in a way Julia didn’t expect.
“I’m Julia.” She reached her hand out and touched the coldness of her long fingers. With each shake of their hands, her shoulders loosened a little more, settling underneath a screen to be let out another time.
“Lauren,” she greeted.
They filled in around the table. Lauren slid next to Julia, her legs crossed over the other and dangerously close to grazing hers. Short conversations swirled around them about work and home and the kids. Lauren’s voice, her laugh, softly liquified in Julia’s ears. It was soothing, but nothing compared to Erin’s.
Erin.
Here she was, actually taking her mind off things. Here she was with friends, enjoying herself while the clatter of dishes disappeared in the space of that room. But there was Erin in the back of her head–the only person she really wanted to be with, even then.
Lauren wasn’t anything like Keegan described. All of those stories about her having a cold heart–not even showing emotion as she fired someone or added another caseload to an already breaking intern–couldn’t possibly be about the woman sitting next to her.
“I could use a drink,” Ben stated after conversations died down.
“I’m heading to the bar to get another one myself.” Julia stood. “What would you like?”
“Scotch on the rocks would be amazing. Anything for you, love?”
“I’m still finishing my merlot,” Keegan said with a smile.
“Scotch coming up.”
“I’ll come with you.” Lauren stood too, pulling her long hair behind one shoulder as she did. “I could use another drink.”
Julia waited for her, their arms brushed as they walked slowly across the room.
“Am I stressing you out that much?” she joked. Lauren turned towards her as they sat on a stool in front of the bar.
“Actually,” Lauren said as she adjusted her seat and smiled at the bartender, who motioned finger in the air to suggest he’d be right over, “I’m having a much nicer time than I anticipated.”
“Me too,” Julia agreed. “Blind arrangements are really awkward.”
“This would be my first, so I’m not too familiar with them. Are you a professional?”
“Professional blind-dater?” Julia laughed.
Lauren leaned against her hand and she allowed her weight to push into the clean tile on the counter. She observed her for a moment, watching Julia with such precision she felt self-conscious.
“So, Keegan’s told me a lot about you,” Julia said. Suddenly Lauren’s face hardened a little as if she was fighting the rose-colored rouge touching her cheeks.
“Oh,” she sighed. “I hope I’m not as bad in person,” she grimaced.
“Oh, stop!” Julia playfully pushed her arm. “I will admit, you’re nothing like I expected.”
She leaned over the counter and gave the bartender their order. Her empty glass was filled within seconds and the rest of their drinks sat before them.
“I’m going to believe that is a good thing,” she said, grinning. “So, are you going to tell me how you ended up here being forced to dine with me?” She still knelt on her arm, her gaze never leaving Julia.
“I wouldn’t say forced,” Julia teased. “More like coerced.”
“Semantics,” she huffed, a smile spreading out across the landscape of her sharp face, cheekbone angles that could’ve been carved from stone.
Julia couldn’t help the ping of guilt in her gut. She was actually enjoying herself, relaxed by the easy nature of the night so far. It was a good idea to come out, to allow herself the chance to push everything else out of her mind instead of sitting in every worst-case scenario.
“You, on the other hand,” Julia continued, trying to lighten the mood, “I’m sure were dragged kicking and screaming. I can picture Ben pulling you out of the office, still in your chair.”
Lauren held a hand over her mouth as she laughed at the picture now dancing in her head. She placed the glass she just drank from on the counter. She gave a little cough, almost as if the wine got stuck between giggles. Julia couldn’t help but smile at the sight.
“You okay over there?” she asked, reaching out and placing a gentle touch on her arm. It was no different than she would do for Keegan, but still, it felt wrong.
Lauren nodded, hand still covering her mouth as she fought to swallow another sip of wine. Julia took another sip of her own, contagious laughter forming in the back of her own throat.
“I am.” Lauren cleared her throat and drank the rest of what was in her glass. She slid it over on the counter and the bartender was already refilling it. “I know that probably didn’t seem that funny to you. I’ve worked seven days a week for years, and I just realized how nice it is to have a casual conversation with someone.”
Her words were déjà vu to Julia–a mantra she’d said in her head more times than she could count.
“I completely understand.”
Lauren reached out and placed her hand on Julia’s knee, her eyes trailing down and then back up to her face as if asking if it was okay.
“Thank you for being coerced,” Lauren said as she smiled, her voice low and sultry.
Julia began to open her mouth to draw a thin line in the sand, to explain whatever was happening was crossing a threshold.
“Julia?” a voice called from behind her.
It all happened so fast. She turned on the stool, her back towards the bar, with Lauren’s hand still on her thigh. In front of her stood Erin. A fitted navy dress hugged every slight curve of her body. Sun-drenched skin peeked through a slit that traveled up her thigh, drawing Julia’s eyes immediately. Her hair was pulled away from her face, eyes twinkling widely in the lighting. It took that long to understand that Erin was staring at a stranger’s hand placed on Julia’s body.
“Erin?” Julia questioned her presence, standing from her stool. The movement forced Lauren’s hand to drop, but neither of them noticed. “What are you doing here?”
“A few of us decided to go to the theater and then came here to wind down,” she explained, pointing towards a few faculty members at a table on the far end of the restaurant. Julia was suddenly flustered, completely embarrassed, even though she knew she shouldn’t be.
“This is Lauren, a colleague of Ben’s,” she hurriedly explained. “Lauren, this is Erin. She’s the lead evaluator for the McSellen Corporation. She’s been working at Kleinton with us the last couple of months.”
Erin’s eyes lowered, disappointment noticeable even in that lack of lighting.
“Nice to meet you.” Lauren shook her hand.
There was an incredibly awkward silence–no one daring to fill it–everyone confused over the tension. Erin just looked at Julia, eyes boring holes into her head and out the other side.
“Well, we should get back to Keegan and Ben,” she suggested, purposefully dropping names, so Erin knew this wasn’t a date date.
“Me too,” she agreed, but then stumbled with her words, “I mean, to everyone else.”
“I’ll see you at work?” Julia asked, stepping aside with their drinks. Erin nodded and then approached the bar, her back to them both.
They walked back to their table, setting the drinks down as they sat. Ben and Keegan were laughing over an unheard conversation, obviously not upset for the alone time.
“We thought you two got lost along the way,” Ben teased. He picked up his Scotch, the ice cubes ringing off the glass as he swirled it in front of his nose.
“Nothing’s ever fast enough for you, is it?” Julia joked.
“You could have gotten it yourself if you wanted it any quicker.” Keegan’s eyebrows raised but her mouth cracked into a smile.
Lauren gave a little chuckle. “I love being surrounded by so many women who put you into your place, Ben.”
“I’m sure this is amusing,” he mused sarcastically.
They sat and drank until decadent food was placed before them. They laughed over work, over kids, over how life constantly threw curve balls at every opportunity. They discussed their company’s merger and the current contract they were working on.
Lauren asked Julia about her role within the school, and they related over the years they climbed invisible ladders–the battles they fought and won along the way to be standing on top of the mountain.
But yet? But yet. But yet. But yet. But yet. But yet. Erin.
Julia couldn’t focus on anything because every time she looked up, every time she lost focus in the distance, she found Erin’s glistening eyes catching hers. They were always on her, always pointing downward in such a way that she looked small. She’s never been small. Her jaw was visibly tense, noticeable even that far away.
“I’m really happy you agreed to come out tonight.” Lauren leaned towards her, her breath warm on Julia’s collarbone.
Keegan and Ben disappeared towards the bar, taking full advantage of their night without the kids.
“Me too,” Julia admitted honestly.
She needed the reprieve, needed the time out of the house. But sitting there with her when Erin was there too? It was indescribably painful–the feeling of creepy, crawly bugs covering your body to the point of manic discontentment.
As she looked up and caught Erin’s attention again, she realized that she didn’t want to be there with Lauren. She didn’t want to be there with anyone other than Erin.
Lauren leaned against the table, her face tilted towards her. She opened her mouth to speak, but Julia caught movement out of the corner of her eye. She watched Erin stand abruptly, a few teachers stopping her to ask something that didn’t carry through the air. She kept walking towards the exit, leaving her jacket and bag in the seat she stood from.
“I’m sorry.” Julia began to stand, her eyes glued to the swinging door Erin just disappeared behind. “I’ll be right back.”
She didn’t wait for a response as she rushed after her–didn’t look back to gauge Lauren’s reaction. She stepped out onto the sidewalk. The night air slapped her in the face, momentarily taking her breath away as it conflicted with the heat rising from her body.
She looked to her right. Nothing but concrete walkways lined her path. She turned her head to the left and saw a little navy dress walking away from her at a pace that should only be possible for someone with longer legs.
“Erin!” she called, but she didn’t look back. She jogged down the sidewalk, not easy in her heels, to catch up to her. “Erin!”
“I really don’t want to talk right now.” Her voice was cold, as sturdy as stone, and she refused to look Julia in the face.
“Erin, please slow down,” she begged, her shallow breath clouding in front of her.
Erin stopped abruptly, almost forcing Julia to trip over her own feet. She wrapped her arms around her waist, the air too cold for bare skin.
“What do you want, Julia?”
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
The words left Julia’s lips, but she regretted them immediately. Erin just looked at her–a broken expression stamped on her face–covered in silence as her eyes glossed over.
“I don’t know what to say to you,” she admitted, her voice shattering to a million pieces as she spoke the last syllable.
“What–”
“You kissed me,” she blurted, tears welling in her eyes. “After everything. After asking you to give us a shot. After spending all that time with you. After you told me no over, and over, and over, and over again! After I tried so hard not to fall for you. You kissed me!”
Julia couldn’t find words. In her pocket was a dictionary, but it was blank. In her mind, a tornado of apologies swirled, but nothing came out of her opened mouth. The heat from her chest rose to her ears, and she swore she could feel her blood pump in every tunnel that lined her body.
So many thoughts flooded her mind–Erin’s touch, Veronica’s disappointment, keeping everything from her best friend, work, exhaustion, Marin, that mother-fucking lump on her breast–but it was like focusing on one speck of glitter thrown into the breeze.
Wait. Did she say fall for me?
“I did,” Julia gulped. “I kissed you.”
And she wanted to say she would do it over and over again if Erin let her, if she wanted. Julia wanted to ask her if she fell for her like she had, if she smacked the pavement as hard as she did when she first looked into her eyes.
Please, want this too.
“So why,” her voice croaked, strained beneath the weight she was carrying, “why are you here with her when you keep telling me no?” Julia was mute. “Oh,” Erin sighed. “I guess I just misunderstood. You just don’t want that with me. You can be with someone after Marin. Just not me.”
She began to walk away, her head shaking vigorously in disbelief. Julia couldn’t let her go, not with that notion in her head. She rushed after her, desperation shaking her legs.
“Stop,” she begged. “Please, don’t walk away! Lauren is just the double date Keegan asked me to go on! The one we talked about that time you came over for Sunday football! She’s no one! You have it all wron–”
“You know what?” Erin spun around on her foot, coming dangerously close to Julia’s face. “You coming out tonight to help a friend is one thing. You choosing this date over going out with me tonight is one thing. The flirting? The touching? The looks between you two? That is another thing entirely.” She paused and Julia’s heart broke at the sight of tears silently streaming down her cheeks. “I can’t watch you with someone else. I can barely get through a day sitting next to you in the same room, knowing you don’t feel the same way about me. I can’t sit here and hear your laugh knowing it’s another woman causing it.”
As her voice trailed off and disappeared beneath layers of ruins, she turned back around and walked away. Julia let her go–more for the reason that she was mounted into place on the sidewalk, and less due to conscious decision.
Everything Erin just said was floating before her, jumbled words that have meaning but don’t make sense. She was right. Julia played the part too well, enjoyed it too much. She let herself get carried away, leading on Lauren, when really all she wanted was an escape from her life for the time being. She pushed her too far this time.
Julia stood there, her skin in pins and needles, until the sound of Erin’s heels faded into the darkness. She was quicksand–the sinking feeling in her bones so powerful that she was sure she was falling through the ground into a never-ending abyss.
Falling. Falling. Falling. Oh, how far she’s fallen.
She walked back into Rosana’s with pink arms and wind-bitten cheeks. The chatter at the table quieted as she approached. They looked up with expectation and confusion, no one privy to the theatrical she starred in.
“I’m not feeling well.” She cleared her throat. “I think I’m going to turn in early. Lauren, it was so nice meeting you. Thank you for a lovely night.” Lauren opened her mouth, but Keegan spoke first.
“I’ll walk you out.” Keegan stood abruptly, flashing a look she couldn’t discern towards Ben. She matched her pace as they reached the outside of the building. “What’s going on?”
“Erin was here,” she confessed, remembering she promised to be more open with her. She rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands, wishing away the crawling feeling that still spread across her body.
“Oh.”
“And she saw me with Lauren.”
“Why does that matter?” she asked, dark eyes narrowing as she stared. When Julia didn’t answer right away, her eyes went wide. “Julia,” she warned.
“We had a moment. Like an Earth-shattering moment. A moment that changes everything.”
“And you’re just telling me this now!”
“She saw me with Lauren and she thought she saw something else.”
“Like what?”
“Enjoying her company too much, apparently.” She sighed, rubbing her temples as she squeezed her eyes closed. Keegan shifted her weight onto one hip and pulled her lips into a sympathetic smile. “She asked me out earlier, but we already had this planned.” She groaned, “I fucked up, Keegan. See,” she unknowingly shouted, “this is why I can’t get close to people! This is why I belong by myself!”
Keegan pulled her overwhelmed being into a hug. “You deserve whatever your heart is telling you to go after,” she breathed into her gold strung hair.
“I can’t do this right now.” Julia let go. “It’s too much. Everything is too much. Life is too much and I feel like my heart is beating a million miles a minute and might actually just burst from my chest.”
Keegan just held her, squeezing her tight as the heaving of her body slowed just slightly.
“If you told me about Erin, I wouldn’t have forced you to do this.”
“What?”
“I can tell, Julia. She’s not just someone to you.” She hesitated, pulling away from their embrace and looking into her eyes. “If you told me you finally realized that, that you were finally ready to take that step forward, I wouldn’t have made you come tonight.”
But if she wasn’t just someone, what did that make her? What could possibly be between two adults who live in separate states, who have different goals, who are at different stages of their lives?
“I can’t do this right now. I just have so much… I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And she did what she always did when the pressure became too much–she disappeared.