Chapter 22
Chapter
Twenty-Two
DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING
Neve
We had a meeting with doctors, then another meeting.
They started Hope on the steroids straight away; they weighed her, checked her height and took I don’t know how many blood samples.
The way they looked at Hope sometimes was almost in amazement, like she was some scientific marvel.
I am beginning to lose my patience. They keep talking, they keep planning and it’s been over a week now since the doctor said she wanted to start treatment straight away and still nothing.
“Mummy, do I have to give more blood today?” Hope asks.
“No sweetie, not today.” I smile down at her, her eyes alight.
“Jack!” she yells before jumping off the chair and runs to him. He picks her up and she hugs him tight. My heart lurches.
I stand and give him a tight smile. “Hi,” I say softly, avoiding eye contact. I haven’t spoken or seen him since all this started.
“I’ve tried calling,” Jack states.
I clear my throat and nod. “I know, I’ve um been busy.”
“Busy?” he returns.
“Yes Jack, busy-bee. I haven’t been to school because I’m being brave in fighting my bad sprout. Aren’t I, Mummy?” Hope adds.
I smile looking up at Hope, which is a mistake because my gaze connects with Jack’s. Those steely blue eyes that I love so much fill with concern and hurt.
“Your sprout?” he asks Hope but his eyes never leave mine.
“Yeah, in my head.” She taps her head. Jack turns his attention to Hope then back to me, the question in his eyes. I nod and my eyes sting with tears. I blink rapidly to stop myself. Hope has seen enough of me crying. I’ve promised no more.
“Hope, why don’t you build one of your towers for Jack?” I suggest so I can talk to Jack privately.
“Okay!” she says happily. Jack puts her down and she runs off to the big tub of building blocks.
I move over to the side, out of earshot of Hope.
“The cock-up at the hospital,” I remind him.
He nods his head. “Yeah, they cocked up Hope’s, they told me someone else’s results.
” I pause and take a deep breath, still struggling to say the next words.
“She has stage 3 cancer, the tumour in her brain is fairly large and growing. They don’t want to operate yet as risks are too high because of the size.
She’s on steroids at the moment to help reduce swelling in the brain.
They said about starting chemo but haven’t got around to it yet.
They just keep having meeting after meeting. ” I sniff as a stray tear escapes.
Jack reaches out and wipes it away with his thumb. Keep his hand there cupping my face, I close my eyes and lean into his comforting touch. “You should have called me. I could have been there for you and for Hope.”
I open my eyes and shake my head. I take his hand from my face and hold it in mine.
“I can’t do this, I can’t be there for you, I can’t be the girlfriend that you deserve.
I need to be there for Hope. All my effort, all my attention will be for her.
I’m sorry.” I go to move past him but he grabs my wrist.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he states before letting go of my wrist.
“So, when’s her first lot of chemo?” Bella asks before biting her burger.
“Monday,” I answer, picking at my food.
“Eat,” Bella snaps. “You must have lost around a stone since all this, you need to take care of yourself. Hope can’t go through this with a mother that passes out from being malnourished.”
“I just don’t have an appetite.” I shrug.
“That’s normal, all the stress and anxiety just balls up inside. It’s how a lot of the models stay skinny,” Pearl adds.
Bella and I frown. “How can they make up stress and anxiety to lose weight. Life just happens. It’s not the sort of thing that’s prescribed,” I point out.
“Have you ever taken laxatives to lose a load of weight? Trust me dear, when you do your daily routine is anxiety and stress that you could shit yourself at any moment,” Pearl states.
I burst out laughing, something I don’t think I’ve done for weeks. I wrap my arm around Pearl. “Christ Pearl, don’t ever fucking change.”
“I’m seventy-two you daft cow, bit late in the day to change who I am now.” Pearl snorts.
Sat eating takeaway in the laundrette with Bella and Pearl is the little bit of normality I needed.
“Are you going to sue the hospital for this?” Bella asks.
I shake my head. “What good would it do? Taking more money from the hospital? No, I want mine and the hospital’s full focus on her.”
Bella and Pearl nod. I know they think I should but I can’t even comprehend thinking about it right now.
“So when are you going to call him?” Bella asks.
“Who?” I question.
“What do you mean who? Jack, that’s who you bellend. Look I know the news about Hope is beyond gut-wrenching, it’s soul destroying and any parent’s worst nightmare. I get that you will need to be there for Hope, but who is going to be there for you?” Bella raises her brow.
I sigh. “We were seeing each other for what four weeks? It’s hardly the end of the world.
I’m doing him a favour. I mean the beginning is supposed to be the honeymoon period right?
If he stayed with me then it would be sleepless nights, me looking after Hope when the chemo side effects kick in, when she’s sick and just wants to lay with me.
Or when her hair falls out and I have to comfort my four year old daughter who won’t understand why she is going through all this.
Please tell me where in all of that is a good time to start a relationship.
Long term relationships, married couples don’t always last through things like this.
So what makes you think we would?” I snap.
Bella shakes her head. “Fine. Do what you want but this guy, he isn’t like the rest and you know it. He is a trained doctor, if anyone understands it will be him. If he wants to be there for you and Hope let him.”
“If this was you, if you were in my position right now and Doctor Phil and you were just starting out. Would you cut him loose, so he can have a stress free life, so he can maybe find someone that won’t have a mental breakdown each week, so he won’t have to help clean up sick, or have a partner who is too emotionally drained to even have sex.
You may think I’m crazy but I am cutting him loose, it’s for his own good,” I state.
Thankfully Bella doesn’t go on about it anymore and I’m grateful. I want to just enjoy some time that isn’t in a hospital and that isn’t worrying about what’s to come with Hope.
Regardless of the small amount of customers in, Pearl turns up the little crappy radio as Boogie, Oogie, Oogie comes on and she starts dancing.
Waving her arms in the air, Bella jumps up joining her.
I sit and laugh. “Come on Hope,” Bella calls out.
Hope skips over and starts dancing with them as she holds hands with Bella and Pearl.
Laughing and giggling, I can’t wipe the smile off my face watching Hope have fun and being silly.
Something every child should do. Silly carefree times we all take for granted.
“Come on Mummy,” Hope calls me over.
I jump up and strut my stuff, swaying my hips.
The customers stare at us like we are high or something but as I watch Hope dance without a care in the world, I know that life is too precious to worry about others, to worry about what they may think of you, because it’s moments like these that will stay with you forever.