5. Treasure
TREASURE
I needed to feel Kingsley’s love for me.
His lips were soft, and his kisses were just what I needed to get through the rest of the day.
When we got to the front room and I sat on the couch, he sat next to me, just staring at me.
He licked his lips, and I couldn’t help but follow his tongue with my gaze.
Leaning into him, I kissed his lips again.
When I pulled away and saw his massive erection, my body nearly seized.
The last time I saw a hard dick was when I was being violated in the worst way.
Just from this trigger, I could smell blood and taste shit and vomit.
I froze as I closed my eyes, constantly swallowing my spit to keep from regurgitating my insides. What was I doing?
“Treasure, you okay?”
“Ye-yes. I’m sorry. I gotta get back to the kitchen.”
I quickly stood, leaving him there, and practically ran to the kitchen. My mama frowned slightly but kept scraping her batter into a pan. Once she was done, she asked, “What’s wrong?”
I quickly shook my head, trying to make her think everything was okay. It was obvious that it wasn’t. My skin was clammy, and I was trembling all over. When Kingsley walked into the kitchen, my body froze again. This was all my fault.
I started crying, unable to contain it any longer. My mama came to me and hugged me as Kingsley sat on a bar stool, lowering his head. He knew why I was struggling, which let me know this wasn’t the first time he’d gotten aroused. He had just been better at hiding it.
Pulling away from her, I said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Shit! I’m sorry.”
I was having a panic attack. I kept repeating ‘I’m sorry’ until I could finally get out, “Kingsley, I’ll call you later. I can’t . . . I can’t go tonight. I can’t!”
I took off for the stairs as my mama ran behind me.
I tripped over the top stair and fell to the floor, crying audibly.
I was trying to move too fast in our relationship.
Fuck! Kingsley was going to hate me. I couldn’t believe I allowed this to happen and so soon after letting my guard down with him.
“Treasure! Slow down, baby girl. What’s wrong?”
“It’s my fault! I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
She fell to the floor with me and pulled me in her arms, rocking back and forth. “Shhh. It’s gonna be okay.”
“No. It’s not! It’s not gonna be okay! I’m tired of this! I just want to diiiiiie!”
I cried so much I could feel the bile at the back of my throat, threatening to come out.
I closed my eyes and mouth, trying to take deep breaths, but it wasn’t working, especially with the scents my memories flooded my nostrils with.
Quickly standing, I ran to the bathroom and fell in front of the toilet.
My insides caved, allowing my shame, disgust, and pain to vacate the premises.
My throat was on fire, and my stomach was in knots.
How was I going to have a healthy relationship with Kingsley this way?
This was something I was afraid of. Because of that bullshit I went through, dick had become a trigger.
I rested my forehead on the toilet seat, then heard someone moving around in my room.
I could only pray that it wasn’t Kingsley. I wasn’t ready to see him.
All this time, I thought I was doing better with my trauma.
Apparently, I wasn’t. I would be alone for the rest of my life if I didn’t do something about it.
I stood from the floor and went to the sink.
Once I washed my mouth out, I went to my room to see my mama seated on the chair in the corner of the room.
I swallowed hard and went to my bed, got in, and curled up like a cat.
When she got in with me, she gently rubbed my back.
“Treasure, please tell me. Did Kingsley do something?”
I shook my head. “I tried to move too fast. I shouldn’t have kissed him.”
“Why, baby?”
“He got hard, and I freaked out.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“I can tell he was trying to hide it. It’s not his fault.”
I bolted from the bed and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me and falling to the floor once again.
Trying to be free cost me. I would never be free.
Counseling did nothing to destroy the beast of fear inside of me.
Standing from the floor, I stared at myself in the mirror.
The short reprieve I enjoyed last night was for nothing.
After locking the door, I grabbed the clippers I got from the TikTok shop to shave with and pressed it into my wrist, turning it on. I pressed it into my wrist hard, causing it to finally cut through the skin. I should have been done this instead of trying to fight the impossible.
“Treasure!” my mama yelled. “What are you doing?”
She banged on the door as the clippers continued to eat away at my agony. This shit hurt like hell, but I was determined to free my soul. When the blood began to spray, I knew I would soon be free.
The loud beeping noise caused my eyes to open .
. . slowly. I felt so weary. Waking up, still on this side of the dirt, was disheartening.
I was supposed to be in the afterlife by now.
Seeing my parents at my bedside with tears streaming down their faces caused me to close my eyes again.
I didn’t want to see their sorrow. Had they let me leave here, I wouldn’t have had to see it.
“Treasure . . .” my mama said.
I didn’t want to look at her, but hesitantly, I opened my eyes again. When she slid her finger across my hand, I realized how swollen it was and the bandage that had been placed on my wrist. I stared at it for a moment, then looked back up at her.
“I won’t pretend that I know what you’re going through internally, but baby, this isn’t the way. I couldn’t get to you. I had to get your dad and Kingsley to burst through the door.”
I knew Kingsley was the one to burst through the door because my dad had been having issues with his shoulder.
He would be having surgery next month to repair a tear in his rotator cuff.
Knowing that Kingsley saw me this way only made me feel worse.
I hoped that he wasn’t feeling guilty about anything. This wasn’t his fault.
“Baby, you really want to die?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “Imagine being a slave to your thoughts . . . to your fears and your traumas. Just when you think you’re better, something happens to knock you back to square one. How can I be of any value to anybody this way? I am of no value to myself.”
I closed my eyes, not wanting to talk anymore.
“I called Serita Gardener to talk to you,” my dad said. “Her sister is the Hendersons’ attorney, but she was also my attorney years ago. She can come to you. You will probably be here for a few days, but afterward, they will be sending you to a psych ward for evaluation.”
“Y’all should have let me die.”
I was truly done talking now. Closing my eyes, giving into my weary state, I went back to sleep.
“If anything, at least you a pretty bitch. You probably know that shit. Unfortunately, you won’t be around much longer to benefit from that shit. So you can keep holding your head high if you want. We gon’ fuck that bougie attitude right out of you. You ain’t better than nobody.”
He shoved my head into the filthy mattress and did whatever crossed his mind to do.
I was trying to be numb and far away from here, wishing I would have moved away like my parents wanted.
They wanted me to experience the world, but I wanted to stay glued to them.
Had I left like Cachet, I wouldn’t be going through this.
Where was Mythic when I needed him? Why hadn’t he found me yet?
Had they gotten to him? I wished they would just kill me.
It was like I was praying for death, but it refused to rescue me.
There was no time to sleep or even think about escaping, because someone was constantly torturing me, like they were working different shifts.
God must hate me. He was allowing this to happen to me. I’d done my best to be kind to people . . . to love people as He commanded. I was a good person. Why was He letting this happen to me? There were so many other people who didn’t try as hard as I did to be loving to people.
“Whyyyyyy!” I cried out. “Whyyyyyy!”
“Listen at her ass, sounding like Nettie from The Color Purple.”
They laughed as another shoved his dick in my mouth. When I bit it, he punched me in the face.
My eyes popped open as I screamed and fought.
I pulled tubes and did my best to get out of the bed but fell to the floor.
I scooted under the bed, doing my best to be quiet.
Blood was staining the floor, and I realized it was coming from my wrist. That was when I realized where I was.
People had come into the room, trying to get me from under the bed, but I was paralyzed in fear.
“Treasure, come out, sis.”
That was Mythic’s voice. “Mythic?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Come on.”
When he squatted and I saw his face, I scrambled to him, right through the blood on the floor. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to a standing position, helping me get back in bed, then pulled me right back into his arms.
“They gon’ have to redo this bandage and possibly restitch it. I think you busted the stitches.”
I pulled away from him and slowly shook my head. “Nooooo,” I said softly.
“None of us want to lose you, baby. Treasure, we love you so much. Please don’t give up.”
One of the nurses approached me slowly. “We have to get your IV back in, ma’am. You need the fluids, and it’s also how we give you antibiotics and pain medicine. Please let me get it back in. Another nurse is going to see to your wound. Okay?”
“I need Mythic to be able to stay close to me. Please . . .”
“Yes, ma’am. He can stay. Once we’re done, we’ll get you all cleaned up and your gown changed.”
“Mama will come in when they get ready to do that, okay?”
I nodded, choosing to allow them to do whatever they wanted to do to me. As they worked, I looked up at Mythic and asked, “How’s Kingsley? He probably hates me.”
“That man ain’t capable of such a thing. He carried you down the stairs, crying and holding you close, constantly apologizing. He’s out there in the waiting area.”
I lowered my head. “What time is it?”
“It’s only eight. You’ve been asleep for about three hours.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, then said, “Tell Kingsley I’m sorry.”
“Can he come in and see you?”
“No. No. No.”
“Okay. Okay. Calm down, baby. I won’t let him come in. Just tell me why though?”
“I’m so embarrassed for how I reacted. He doesn’t deserve this. I know he said he wanted to help me through this, but how can he? I believed he was good for me and tried to let my guard down. Look where that left me. This isn’t his cross to bear. Unfortunately, it’s mine.”
Mythic nodded and swallowed hard. He looked like he wanted to cry.
I didn’t address it though. When the nurses were done, Mythic left the room, and Mama came in shortly after.
They cleaned me up and changed my gown, then I got back in bed.
After someone came in with a mop to clean the floor, they turned off the big light so I could try to rest . . . again.
I wouldn’t rest until I was dead.
My trauma was a demon that haunted me, especially when I had moments that seemed like I was getting back to who I used to be .
. . before the attack. I was carefree, vibrant, outgoing, and filled with love that I didn’t mind showering others with.
It seemed no matter how hard I tried, I would never be free.
The nurse came in and said something about medications they were putting into my IV, but I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying.
My thoughts were loud, and I didn’t try to quiet them anymore.
I no longer cared what became of me. I was tired of fighting.
Intelligence couldn’t cure this. It was all in my head, and I didn’t know how to come back from it.
When the nurse left, my mama was trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t look at her. Everyone wanted me to be here, because in their words, they couldn’t imagine living without me. None of them knew how I felt on the inside. They didn’t know the daily battle I faced, nor would they ever understand.
“They gave you an anti-depressant bolus. They think what you’re on isn’t strong enough to combat your trauma.”
I would need a miracle to combat this shit.
Nothing seemed to be effective. How did I reprogram my thinking?
Mental instability was the worst. It was the hardest thing to battle.
Controlling your thoughts, taming your fears, and fighting negativity was draining.
It wasn’t human nature to do any of those things.
It was hard. I felt like I didn’t have anymore fight left inside of me.