Chapter 5 #2
“I had six foster families, each one just as shitty as my own parents, if not worse. When I was thirteen, I was kicked out of the last place for fighting and sent to a group home. That’s how I met Laurie. I had to switch schools after being moved, and she was in my class.”
My eyes began to burn and my vision swam. I wasn’t sure how much more I could bear to hear. “Cord, I don’t think—”
But he didn’t stop. I could see the determination in his eyes to get this all out.
“She was the first kid to talk to me. I’d spent years being treated like nothing, so when this girl came up and started talking to me, I didn’t know how to react.
I did the only thing I knew how to do. I was an asshole to her.
” He shook his head as if he was disgusted with himself for how he’d behaved back then.
“I didn’t get it. No matter how rude I was, she never stopped trying.
She’d sit with me at lunch, took the desk beside mine in class.
For months, she pushed, and I’d push right back, saying some of the meanest things I could think of.
Until one day, I was so rude I made her cry. ”
His hands clenched into tight fists, and the deep green of his eyes turned dull.
“I felt like the biggest asshole. Here was this sweet, pretty girl, and all she’d ever tried to do was be my friend, and I’d made her cry.
After that, I stopped being mean. We became friends, and the following year we became a couple.
She was my first real friend, my first girlfriend, my first sexual experience.
Hell, she was the first person to ever really give a shit about me. ”
“She was your first love,” I said quietly, the words forming a lump in my throat that threatened to choke me.
“Yeah. Back then she was my first love. But I was just a kid. When we graduated, she had all these plans for us. Everything was mapped out in her head. We’d go to college together, then get married and have a bunch of kids.
She wanted me to get a job while she planned on staying home to raise the brood she wanted us to have. ”
The way he spoke made it seem like he’d been unsure even back then. “But you didn’t want that?”
“I was just a kid. I didn’t know what the hell I wanted, but I knew I wasn’t ready for the life she’d planned out for us.
I ended up going to a different college.
We gave the long-distance thing a shot, but after that first year, I realized I wasn’t in the same place she was anymore and I broke it off.
But we never lost touch. She was special to me, and I wanted to keep her in my life.
When I finished college, Laurie and her dad flew to North Carolina for my graduation.
When I completed BUD/S and became a SEAL, she was the first person I called.
I took leave when her mom passed away from cancer so I could fly back to Ohio and be with her and her dad.
She wrote me letters every week each time I did a tour overseas, and she flew out to be there when I got back to the States so someone was there to greet me. ”
“So you guys were really close.”
“Yeah.” He nodded sadly. “And sometimes the lines would get blurry when we were together, and we’d fall back into old habits, but we never started our relationship back up.
As far as I was concerned, we’d both moved on.
She started seeing someone, and I was happy for her.
Then I left the SEALS and moved here. And I met you.
” He took a step closer, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear before resting his palm against the side of my neck.
“I wanted you the first moment I laid eyes on you, Rory, and I had every intention of making my move. Then she called one day, out of the blue, and told me she’d ended things with her man.
She said she was still in love with me and asked if I thought there was a chance for us.
I told her I wasn’t in that place anymore, but it still broke my heart to hear her cry.
When you asked me out, my head was all messed up.
I wanted to say yes, darlin’, I swear, but there was a part of me that felt like I’d be betraying what I had with Laurie if I did. ”
I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain of his admission. There’d been a part of me that had craved those words for so long. I thought hearing them would make it all hurt a little less, but now I knew I’d been wrong. If anything, it made everything worse. “Cord, I can’t—”
“Her father passed away; that was why she tracked me down here. She came to Hope Valley because she was all alone for the first time in her life and needed a familiar face. I hadn’t seen her in years, and when she showed up, I found myself falling into those same old habits that felt so comfortable.
She’d been a part of my life for so long that I confused that familiarity for something more.
But even while I was with her, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.
And she saw that. She saw how drawn to you I was.
Hiding how I felt about you was impossible. That was why I pushed you away.”
It felt like a knife had just been plunged into my chest. His arm fell to his side when I took a step back to put some much-needed distance between us.
“I’m sorry, Cord,” I whispered, holding my middle even tighter. “I’m so sorry for everything you went through growing up. And I’m glad you were able to find someone in all of that who cared about you, but I don’t know what you want from me.”
The muscle in his jaw ticked as he clenched his teeth together. “I want you to understand. I want you to forgive me. I want you to give me a chance, because everything I just told you is the god’s honest truth. My feelings for you have only gotten stronger, Rory.”
Oh god. He was killing me. I needed to shut this down before I did something stupid.
Like let myself hope.