Chapter 28 #2
We fell into conversation about the books we were reading and how Rosie had won four rounds of poker in a row at their last lesson.
She filled me in on the gossip going around the Golden Gals’ circle, including how Mildred had planned a beautiful surprise anniversary getaway to Tuscany for her and Ida’s forty-fifth anniversary, but Hilda and Polly refused to let them go alone so they planned a trip for the same week to find themselves some “Italian Stallions.”
Our conversation stalled out when another nurse came in to refill my IV fluids and take my vitals…again. Once she left, we sat in silence for a few minutes before Evelyn cleared her throat.
“I don’t know if you remember this, but Francis and I were forced to get engaged because of the marriage law. I was such a menace about it. But you know, I’m happy with the way things all worked out. You have handled it much better than I did.”
Her words were yet another punch to the gut. I was so tired of crying but couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
“I didn’t handle it well at all.” I sniffed loudly.
“It was all an act. Oliver and I were never really in love. Well, not at first. It was just a ruse to keep the Council happy until he could get the marriage law repealed. But then, you know, we fell in love. And then I went and passed out during a Council meeting and made a fool of myself and the family. And now I’m just so afraid that I’m saddling him with my broken body.
Maybe this is just karma for lying to everyone for months. ”
“Oh, honey.” She pulled a handkerchief from her handbag and passed it to me. I wiped the tears from my face, trying to surreptitiously also wipe the snot from under my nose.
“It’s sweet that you think it was all fake and that you fell in love after you concocted this hair-brained scheme.”
My eyes shot up. “What?”
“Adelaide, dear. I was at almost every event during the competition. I saw the way he looked at you, how he lit up when you walked into the room. I have never seen him more at ease and himself than when he was with you. Did you know that none of the other contestants met the family during the palace tour? But he specifically requested that Isobel join you for tea that day?”
I blinked. “He did?”
“Yes. And do you know why? Because he wanted you to be his queen and he wanted his family’s approval. Not that he needed it; we loved you from the very beginning. You have the true makings to be a great queen and the best partner for our Ollie.”
I hadn’t realized at the time that I was special to Oliver. I had spent so much time avoiding him at all costs during the courtship that I had neglected to see what was right in front of me.
“Evelyn, that means so much. But…there’s more. I’m not sure if I’m worthy to be queen.”
She crooked an eyebrow. “And why’s that?”
The secret that I had held for so long flowed from my lips. I explained to her my history, how I had received the diagnosis, what it meant for my future and having a family, and how it was connected to being in the hospital.
Evelyn listened in silence, letting me speak.
When I was finished, she quietly reached into her handbag, pulling out a worn leatherbound notebook.
She slipped off the elastic band holding it closed and pulled a long piece of paper from the center of the journal.
The page was faded and worn; all I could make out was a series of squiggles.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“This is the heartbeat of the first baby I carried.” Then she pulled out a second piece of paper. “And this is from the day that we learned she was no longer with us.” She turned the sheet toward me, showing the static line bisecting the page, no heartbeat in sight.
“Evelyn, I’m so sorry,” I breathed. “I didn’t know that you lost a child.”
“I’ve lost three, actually.” She brought out two more sheets of heartbeats and then one ultrasound picture. “Leroy was born between these two.” She held up the sonogram and one of the heartbeats.
Evelyn's eyes started to water. “It’s really easy to feel isolated when you’re dealing with infertility,” she said as put back the papers in her journal.
“I felt so alone in those early years as queen. And then add on all the pressure to produce an heir, those feelings of loneliness, of feeling unworthy and broken, were only amplified.”
All I could do was nod through my tears, because I knew exactly what that felt like.
“You, my dear girl”—she grabbed my hand—“are deserving of happiness, and you are valuable regardless of what you feel right now. I know you may want to run away and lick your wounds alone, but that's what this disease wants you to do. It wants you to hide and feel like no one understands. It wants you to feel damaged and defective. But you aren’t.”
Evelyn stood, moving to sit on the edge of my bed. She cupped my cheek and placed a kiss on my head.
“I am not here to minimize those feelings. Those are valid feelings and emotions you need to process. But you don’t have to do that alone.
The patriarchy wants you to feel broken and like you’re less of a woman.
But you’re not. You are stronger than you believe.
You bring so much more to the table than just a uterus to bear children.
You bring empathy, you bring insight to the world that many in my family don’t have.
Your desire to make sure everyone around you is taken care of is a gift.
You fight for justice, and I don’t want to see that wasted because you don’t believe you are worthy. ”
My body shook with sobs as her affirmations washed over me. I wanted to believe them; I knew in my heart they were true.
“Regardless of what you choose to do, I want you to know that you don’t have to do this alone, my dear. You’re never alone.” She reached her arms out and I fell into them, letting her rub my back as I cried.
After I had finally run my tears dry, I squeezed Evelyn tightly and thanked her for her words, support, and understanding. I was lucky and so grateful to have her in my corner.
She made her way to the door to leave but stopped right before she opened it.
“Francis was there with me through it all. He never once made me feel like I was less of a queen or a woman because we lost our babies.” She shook her head.
“No, he stayed with me through every high and low of it. Every time I grew worried that I was losing Leroy, he held my hand through it. He would call the palace midwife in the early hours to bring the doppler in—and that was quite a feat back in those days—so I could hear the heartbeat and find some comfort in knowing the baby was okay. He never made me feel crazy or like I was overreacting. And he never made me think that I couldn’t be a good queen because of my fertility issues.
Oliver would do the same. He loves you and will stand by you through it all.
This disease may have taken some things from you, but Oliver does not have to be one of them. ”
And with that, Evelyn opened the hospital suite door and left.